I couldn’t do it.
I mean, I suppose I could have. I’m sure if I really wanted it, I could have made it happen. But I only made it through three days of Sammich Week before reaching a point where I could not carry on. Thursday night I felt like, I just…no. I can’t do another sammich. Plus Friday was my birthday and even though there wasn’t any kind of giant blow out for that, Day 5 of sammiches just didn’t feel right. Maybe I’ll try it again in the summer sometime, just to strive for redemption.
Since I promised a recap at the beginning of the week, here’s how the first three days of Abbreviated Sammich Week had gone. Please forgive me of this profound failure, and don’t let it prevent you from supporting any of my other pointless endeavors of the future.
Monday
STORE: Subway
SAMMICH: Ham and Cheese New Fresh Melt
TOPPINGS: Green peppers, black olives, pickles, American Cheese, mayo
SIDE: Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips on the side
This felt like a cheat because I’ve had ham and cheese from Subway before (it was literally the first sammich I ever ordered from a Subway, and I have no idea why I just remembered that) but this was one of their New Fresh Melts, so I’m counting it as new. It was a little different than just normal ham and cheese, it turns out. They put a crapload of cheese on it, and actually put the veggies and mayo on before putting it in the toaster. My heavily-tattooed Sammich Artist warned me against water-based vegetables like lettuce and tomatoes; she said they’d make it all mushy in the toaster, and I took her at her word. The grill marks on the bread really seemed to be more cosmetic than anything else.
I don’t know how much cheese they put on these new fresh melts, but wow, was this one cheesy sammich. The downside was the number of green peppers on it. I don’t mind green peppers (why else would I have ordered them?) but they overpowered all the other admittedly mild flavors, so each bite seemed to be more about them than anything else. Still very good, though.
Also, why don’t I get Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips more often? They’re delicious.
Tuesday
STORE: Potbelly’s
SAMMICH: Pizza Sammich
TOPPINGS: Oil and Italian seasoning
SIDES: 1/2 a bag of Salt and Vinegar Zappo’s chips, and an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie
There’s been quite a bit of drama at school lately, and today ended with three different arguments happening between different members of the staff at the same time: (1) Whether Nirvana’s “Nevermind” or Guns ’n Roses’ “Appetite for Destruction” was the more iconic album, (2) If Panera Bread can really be thought of as a sammich shop, and (3) a throwback to the long-running argument about whether a frozen pizza should be cooked on some kind of pan or just set directly on the rack in the stove. Two of these arguments came together in my deciding tonight’s sammich would be a pizza sammich, and the only place I knew for certain offered one was Potbelly’s.
I made a mistake while waiting in line and looked up at the sign that listed the ingredients, discovering that the pizza sammich came with mushrooms. I know there are people who enjoy them; I’ve always thought they had the texture of accidentally biting into a piece of someone else’s thumb that had been slipped into your food as a prank. Luckily there were meatballs in there too, so I knew as long as I didn’t look at each bite, I could convince myself I was only tasting/feeling meatballs — kind of a Schrodinger’s sammich ingredient, I suppose. I got chips because salt and vinegar are great, even though I know I can only stand to eat about half the small bag before my eyes feel like they’re swelling up, and I got the cookie because I believe there are national laws on the books that require the purchase of a chocolate chip oatmeal cookie whenever someone enters, or even drives past, a Potbelly’s.
As sammiches go…eh. This was really disappointing. More of a meatball sub with the meatballs chopped up into small pieces and other toppings added than a pizza sandwich. I’d never bought one before; I doubt I will again.
Wednesday
STORE: Tono Pizzeria + Cheesesteaks
SAMMICH: South Philly Cheesesteak
TOPPINGS: Cheez Whiz, mayo, no grilled onions
SIDES: Parmesan truffle fries
Okay, I know I said if a place served fries it wasn’t going to count, but that was mostly to box me out of finding loopholes that would let me fall back on some recognizable fast food place instead of getting actual sammiches. We have extenuating circumstances here. Tono is brand new in the area, and since it has cheesesteaks in the name, and cheesesteaks are sammiches, and my three nephews all described these sammiches with great enthusiasm barely two weeks ago, I had to give it a try. When someone walked into Rm. 126 this morning and announced in the direction of the 15 square feet I’ve claimed as my distance learning classroom space that Tono was now open for business, I knew the fates had spoken.
I passed on the grilled onions when I made my order for three reasons: (1) Generally I despise onions. (2) Even though grilling onions takes away whatever overpowering quality of chemical imbalance they have that makes me hate raw onions so, I didn’t want to take the chance they’d dominate my first Tono sandwich, much like the green peppers did at Subway. (2) Nobody ever grilled onions as perfectly as my uncle Dave did, so there was no way they were going to live up to that standard.
Since this place is literally brand new, it was sparkly clean and generally pleasant inside, the kind of place I wouldn’t mind sitting down with someone to enjoy a meal if there were no risks associated with indoor dining. Three people worked behind the counter, and they all greeted me loudly. I think I may have been the 35th customer the store has ever had. I didn’t even get a chance to completely say I had a pick-up order before one of them was holding out a warm cardboard box for me. In and out like that, and the whole shift wished me a nice day on my way out as well, even though they had just welcomed me twenty-eight seconds earlier.
This sammich meant business. The bread was fall-apart soft, especially after soaking up the warm juices from the steak. The Cheez Whiz was an amazing kicker, especially since I think so many people tend to group Cheez Whiz in the same category of “why would you ever voluntarily eat that?” foods like Spam. Next time I’m getting extra. I upgraded to truffle fries because somehow my current school roommate and I have had a running conversation about truffles this spring, and I was curious. They were good, but I didn’t really know what flavor to look for as to differentiate truffle fries from any other kind of seasoning. So much food that I couldn’t finish it all, despite my best efforts. I hope that deep down I care enough about my health not to go back there every three days throughout the summer.
And so endeth Sammich Week 2021. I promise I’ll try harder next time.
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