Day 27: The Questions for My Future Self

 I feel like I’ve written about this topic before, but since I can’t find that other hypothetical post I think I’m clear to use it tonight.

My 5th graders, distance learners or not, are now in the single digits as far as days remaining in their elementary school careers. An activity our social worker has done with 5th graders toward the end of many past school years has been to get each of them to write a letter to their future self, in a time capsule sort of way. It gets them thinking about the person they are right now, and who they might become by the end of middle school, or high school, or later in life -- whenever they choose to read the letter they wrote. He gives them a list of ten questions to write about, then has them choose four. This year I wrote down the ten questions. I’ll be answering them tonight, thinking ahead to the day that will come in ten years or so, when all of this school business will finally reach an end for me. So here we go. Just remember these were originally questions for children, so I may go outside the lines on a few of them.

#1: List three words to describe yourself. 

The best description I’ve ever heard about myself actually came from a former principal. I don’t remember the context, but she said, “I don’t know if I’ve ever met anyone so willing to take too much credit for things and not enough credit at the same time.” I heard that and thought: Wow. That is entirely fair, and I like how complex it makes me seem.

#2: What are your hobbies?

Hobbies are interests you pursue during your idle time, so it doesn’t seem like they can have anything to do with professional pursuits. Unfortunately, that doesn’t leave too much for me once teaching and writing are taken off the table. I like playing games and solving puzzles. Relaxing in front of the TV with some shows or movies to watch is pretty cool. I have a few favorite podcasts I listen to, often in the middle of the night if I wake up and want to try and lull myself back to sleep.

Other than that…walking the dog? Self-doubt? Anxiety? Do any of those count?

#3: Who are your friends?

This is kind of complicated, so I’ll explain a few things about my perspective. First off, as far as honest to goodness friends go, I only have a small circle of them — it’s an introvert thing. Beyond that, I think of friendship in three wider circles. The next closest would be those you have the most proximity with, like, in my case, people I work with and see every day and have connected with on some level. Outside of that would be the people that I still have some degree of relationship with, even if our paths have gone in different directions and I don’t see them very often (the Covid Year being an exception in the time length here). If we stay in touch at all in some real way instead of some pretend crap like social media "friendships," I would still think of you as a friend, and very likely I miss not having you as directly in my life as you once were. If you’re someone I know but haven’t even really spoken to in, say, the last three years? Well…Circle 3, aka Acquaintance Town. It should also go without saying that everyone, with a few exceptions in that tightest, smallest circle, will have to line up behind Freddie in terms of importance.

#4. What do you want to be when you grow up? 

I’m unconditionally grown up. But keeping in mind I wouldn’t open this time capsule letter until after I retire, the only ambition I’d have at that point would be to have achieved the level of working author.

#5. What technology do you think will exist?

Human augmentation, which will include direct mental connections to some new organic form of the internet once the Singularity is reached and surpassed.

#6. Who do you look up to? 

Outside of the obvious answers that practically everyone would list (parents, sister, John Petrucci), I’d rethink this one as people I admire: The musicians and writers who can bring magic moments into being and make it seem effortless when the truth is far from that; the colleagues I work with who have so much more patience than I do and display boundless compassion so easily because it’s a part of who they are, and/or keep showing up in their classroom even when it feels like the world around them has been temporarily engineered to kick their ass. People who get vaccinated.

#7. What are your hopes and dreams?

For the people in my family to have long, happy, and healthy lives. To be able to retire as a working writer, and have a happy and healthy life that stretches out long enough for me to enjoy that. To not be alone.

#8. What positive skill could you develop or behavior you could change that would help you reach those dreams?

Once the pandemic has faded into relative obscurity and my brain is no longer caving in, I really want to get back into a regular writing routine. I know I can do it. I have before, for long stretches of time. This past year though, and all the baggage that came with it between Covid and distance learning? It was too much. I allowed it to be enough that I was developing an idea instead of actively writing a story. 

#9. What are places you hope to visit? 

Top, top of the list is to get back out to the PNW. Other than that? Iceland would be interesting. So would New Zealand, I think. Really though, I’ve always felt that travel is less about the destination and more about who is with you on the journey.

#10. What advice would you give your future self?

If you haven’t yet learned to live with the idea that people don’t necessarily define you by your flaws and failings and might see worth in you that you don't always recognize yourself, you should probably start wrapping your head around that idea. You’re an old man, dude. It's seriously time to get over yourself.

Day 22: The Abbreviated End of Sammich Week

I couldn’t do it. 

I mean, I suppose I could have. I’m sure if I really wanted it, I could have made it happen. But I only made it through three days of Sammich Week before reaching a point where I could not carry on. Thursday night I felt like, I just…no. I can’t do another sammich. Plus Friday was my birthday and even though there wasn’t any kind of giant blow out for that, Day 5 of sammiches just didn’t feel right. Maybe I’ll try it again in the summer sometime, just to strive for redemption. 

Since I promised a recap at the beginning of the week, here’s how the first three days of Abbreviated Sammich Week had gone. Please forgive me of this profound failure, and don’t let it prevent you from supporting any of my other pointless endeavors of the future.

Monday

STORE: Subway

SAMMICH: Ham and Cheese New Fresh Melt

TOPPINGS: Green peppers, black olives, pickles, American Cheese, mayo

SIDE: Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips on the side

This felt like a cheat because I’ve had ham and cheese from Subway before (it was literally the first sammich I ever ordered from a Subway, and I have no idea why I just remembered that) but this was one of their New Fresh Melts, so I’m counting it as new. It was a little different than just normal ham and cheese, it turns out. They put a crapload of cheese on it, and actually put the veggies and mayo on before putting it in the toaster. My heavily-tattooed Sammich Artist warned me against water-based vegetables like lettuce and tomatoes; she said they’d make it all mushy in the toaster, and I took her at her word. The grill marks on the bread really seemed to be more cosmetic than anything else. 

I don’t know how much cheese they put on these new fresh melts, but wow, was this one cheesy sammich. The downside was the number of green peppers on it. I don’t mind green peppers (why else would I have ordered them?) but they overpowered all the other admittedly mild flavors, so each bite seemed to be more about them than anything else. Still very good, though. 

Also, why don’t I get Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips more often? They’re delicious.

Tuesday

STORE: Potbelly’s

SAMMICH: Pizza Sammich

TOPPINGS: Oil and Italian seasoning

SIDES: 1/2 a bag of Salt and Vinegar Zappo’s chips, and an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie

There’s been quite a bit of drama at school lately, and today ended with three different arguments happening between different members of the staff at the same time: (1) Whether Nirvana’s “Nevermind” or Guns ’n Roses’ “Appetite for Destruction” was the more iconic album, (2) If Panera Bread can really be thought of as a sammich shop, and (3) a throwback to the long-running argument about whether a frozen pizza should be cooked on some kind of pan or just set directly on the rack in the stove. Two of these arguments came together in my deciding tonight’s sammich would be a pizza sammich, and the only place I knew for certain offered one was Potbelly’s. 

I made a mistake while waiting in line and looked up at the sign that listed the ingredients, discovering that the pizza sammich came with mushrooms. I know there are people who enjoy them; I’ve always thought they had the texture of accidentally biting into a piece of someone else’s thumb that had been slipped into your food as a prank. Luckily there were meatballs in there too, so I knew as long as I didn’t look at each bite, I could convince myself I was only tasting/feeling meatballs — kind of a Schrodinger’s sammich ingredient, I suppose. I got chips because salt and vinegar are great, even though I know I can only stand to eat about half the small bag before my eyes feel like they’re swelling up, and I got the cookie because I believe there are national laws on the books that require the purchase of a chocolate chip oatmeal cookie whenever someone enters, or even drives past, a Potbelly’s.

As sammiches go…eh. This was really disappointing. More of a meatball sub with the meatballs chopped up into small pieces and other toppings added than a pizza sandwich. I’d never bought one before; I doubt I will again. 

Wednesday

STORE: Tono Pizzeria + Cheesesteaks

SAMMICH: South Philly Cheesesteak

TOPPINGS: Cheez Whiz, mayo, no grilled onions

SIDES: Parmesan truffle fries

Okay, I know I said if a place served fries it wasn’t going to count, but that was mostly to box me out of finding loopholes that would let me fall back on some recognizable fast food place instead of getting actual sammiches. We have extenuating circumstances here. Tono is brand new in the area, and since it has cheesesteaks in the name, and cheesesteaks are sammiches, and my three nephews all described these sammiches with great enthusiasm barely two weeks ago, I had to give it a try. When someone walked into Rm. 126 this morning and announced in the direction of the 15 square feet I’ve claimed as my distance learning classroom space that Tono was now open for business, I knew the fates had spoken. 

I passed on the grilled onions when I made my order for three reasons: (1) Generally I despise onions. (2) Even though grilling onions takes away whatever overpowering quality of chemical imbalance they have that makes me hate raw onions so, I didn’t want to take the chance they’d dominate my first Tono sandwich, much like the green peppers did at Subway. (2) Nobody ever grilled onions as perfectly as my uncle Dave did, so there was no way they were going to live up to that standard.

Since this place is literally brand new, it was sparkly clean and generally pleasant inside, the kind of place I wouldn’t mind sitting down with someone to enjoy a meal if there were no risks associated with indoor dining. Three people worked behind the counter, and they all greeted me loudly. I think I may have been the 35th customer the store has ever had. I didn’t even get a chance to completely say I had a pick-up order before one of them was holding out a warm cardboard box for me. In and out like that, and the whole shift wished me a nice day on my way out as well, even though they had just welcomed me twenty-eight seconds earlier. 

This sammich meant business. The bread was fall-apart soft, especially after soaking up the warm juices from the steak. The Cheez Whiz was an amazing kicker, especially since I think so many people tend to group Cheez Whiz in the same category of “why would you ever voluntarily eat that?” foods like Spam. Next time I’m getting extra. I upgraded to truffle fries because somehow my current school roommate and I have had a running conversation about truffles this spring, and I was curious. They were good, but I didn’t really know what flavor to look for as to differentiate truffle fries from any other kind of seasoning. So much food that I couldn’t finish it all, despite my best efforts. I hope that deep down I care enough about my health not to go back there every three days throughout the summer. 

And so endeth Sammich Week 2021. I promise I’ll try harder next time.

Day 21: Deconstructing the Horoscope, 2021

 Today is my birthday. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay. 

A year ago, here's what my "Your birthday today" horoscope from half-human, half-wizard prognosticator of times to come Holiday Mathis had to say 2020 had in store for me: 

"Your kindness radiates in all directions including toward yourself and this fortifies and emboldens you to new heights of originality. You'll fascinate, draw a crowd, sell to it and fund an enterprise you wholeheartedly believe in. How satisfying to know you're making the kind of difference the world really needs now. Sagittarius and Aquarius adore you. Your lucky numbers are 6, 10, 33, 20, and 17."

As I usually say at this point upon reflection - what a load of crap. Not to get too heavy or anything, but Level 52 was one of the loneliest, depressing, and uncertain years of my life. I would have appreciated it if Holiday had been a little more straightforward with me about what was coming from the beginning.

Anyway. Let's see what she has to say about about 53: 

"All you've overcome has made you strong -- and funny! Humor comes from the flexibility of perspective seeing different sides and extremes of life. A project will put your talents to good use, and you'll be enthusiastically endorsed, too, helping you to move up professionally and financially. Aquarius and Pisces adore you. Your lucky numbers are 21, 1, 7, 9, and 13. 

So, Aquarius and Piseces -- how you doin'?

To hedge my bets this year, I saved a fortune cookie from some takeout last week. I have not opened it until just this moment, which I'm sure means the fortune cookie magic, which I have to believe is just as valid as whatever juju Holiday Mathis brings to the table, has remained intact and starts applying right now: 

"Broke is only temporary; poor is a state of mind. Lucky Numbers: 4, 54, 39, 52, 51, 56."

I'll at least give the fortune cookie credit for correctly using a semicolon, a skill I'm not entirely sure Holiday has packed away in her grammatical arsenal. Plus I have even more lucky numbers on my side.

Though I noticed 53 was not among them....

Day 20: Q & A, 2021 Version

 Okay. Here we go….

Gardetto’s or Savory Chex Mix?

I don’t know if I’ve ever had Savory Chex Mix if it’s a store-bought product. I’m okay with Gardetto’s, even if they put in too many pretzels and those big delicious roundish flat things that remind me of the little packs of crackers that family restaurants had on the tables back in the 70s and early 80s always make me afraid I’m going to break a tooth. 

What are the top 5 Doritos?

In almost no particular order: 

*Nacho Cheese

*Cool Ranch

*Sweet Chili

*Taco

*The best kind of Dorito, tragically, isn’t made anymore. Back in the late 80s/early 90s, there was a flavor called “Jumpin’ Jack,” and they were AMAZING. If I could go back in time, I would go back to the back half of my college years, find a Tom Thumb store, and buy enough to bring back until I died.

This also seems like a good time to mention the Dorito thought experiment I came up with a few years ago, which is an offshoot of the Peanut M&M thought experiment: In every bag of Peanut M&Ms, there’s always one M&M with a rotten, stank peanut in it that ruins the bag. I’d argue that probability dictates that eventually there would be (or has been) an entire bag that consists of nothing but M&Ms with rotten peanuts inside of them. On the flip side of this, almost every bag of Doritos has at least one Dorito with a deliciously inordinate amount of flavor powder on it, which leads me to believe that there will eventually be (or has been) a bag of Doritos that consists of nothing but Doritos with way more than normal amounts of flavor powder.

5 favourite bird species (I didn't put the "u" in there)

Thanksgiving turkeys

Rotisserie chickens

That bird that they had a funeral for on The Office

Whatever species Freddie’s bird toy, which we call Bird, is supposed to be

Cardinals, since Erin sometimes uses them to talk to me.

Three things you are going to do after you close up your classroom for the year

Um…maybe I shouldn’t say this too loud, but I’ve been farmed out into another distance learning classroom since I got back, and my classroom has been used as a potential Covid triage center in my absence. So, technically, instead of closing up my room I only need to pray hard and frequently that it will be nice and clean and Covid-free and safe when we return in the fall. But to not ditch the question: 1. It is my great hope that people will be going out to lunch after all of the last day packing is done so I can see my friends one last time altogether and get some feeling of closure on the year. 2. I’ll come home and feel an odd sense of displacement for the rest of that night. 3. I will proceed to spend the following two weeks not doing a single worthwhile thing, and just being instead.

What is your favorite kind of popcorn/movie snack?

It’s changed over the years. If I was going to see a movie this weekend, I’d get a popcorn with butter and some salt, not going crazy with either, and a Fountain mixed Cherry Vanilla Diet Coke.

What is something you are looking forward to, and what is something you are glad is over?

Kind of a basic answer, but I’m looking forward to that first Monday of summer break. The frustrations have been different than usual and low-grade compared to most years, but they’re still there. I am very happy that my taxes are done. 

What would you have liked to have seen happen for the ending of Game of Thrones?

I think generally it was okay. I thought Dany going crazy would have worked if that story arc would have played out over two seasons instead of two episodes. So much had been put in motion to make Jon Snow the king that he should have been in the end, but if it went that way I would have liked to have seen him move all the Kingly stuff out of King’s Landing and either back to his hometown or beyond The Wall.

What kind of tree do you think would be best for drinking a beer under?

Not being a beer drinker, I have to defer to my cousin Paul on this one.

What are your top 5 concerts and why?

*Spock’s Beard reunion for Morsefest and a live performance of their Snow album, and not just because Dax and I are both visible in the concert video that was recorded that night

*Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band on the Tunnel of Love Express Tour

*Rush on the Time Machine Tour at the Gorge in Washington

*Dream Theater in Seattle in 2014

*One of Bruce Hornsby’s shows with his whole band; they’ve all been too great to differentiate between.

Have you ever met a celebrity and if so who was it?

I’m going with Justin Cronin on this and I don’t care if there are all kinds of people who don’t recognize his name. In my eyes, he counts.

What is the most rebellious thing you did in high school?

I was a huge nerd in high school, and got all the rebelliousness out of my system in 9th grade. Maybe that time I kicked a hole in the wall of the hallway? Does that count?

What is your most favorite thing to do?

Anything that allows me to relax and enjoy the rare moments when there is absolutely nothing stirring up stress or worry in my life.

If you weren’t a teacher (or an author) what would you be/what would you do for a living?

I know for a fact if I were to ever go back to college to earn another degree to either pursue a new career or just out of personal interest, I’d absolutely want to be a sociologist. I think I could pull off being a therapist too, if I could put my own issues aside long enough.

If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?

Only in Texas. Everywhere else the cutoff point is eighty-seven feet.

If you could go on vacation anywhere in the world (and not worry about COVID), where would you go and why?

The most obvious answer would be to go to Seattle to see my PNW family, since I haven’t been there in years. More bucket-list wise, I think Iceland or New Zealand would be interesting destinations.

How much would you need to win (lottery or other) to be “okay” for the rest of your life?

I am a man of simple and humble needs. In lottery terms, I’d need enough to maybe buy a nicer, but not crazy nicer house, a good, comfortable, reliable car, be able to sustain a modestly comfortable lifestyle that would allow me to live out my years with a rotation of trophy wives and subsequent divorces.

What is your all-time favorite pair of pajamas?

The blue ones. 

If you could only get sammiches from one place for the rest of your life, where would you go?

A really nice grocery store, because they’d have a really nice deli and the widest variety of ingredients scattered throughout the inventory.

Where do you start brushing your teeth, inside top, outside top, inside bottom or outside bottom?

Paul, you’ve asked this in a previous Q & A. And I already answered it. It’s time we all moved on.

If you could be any combination of two animals (varied features), what would you be?

An enigma. 

5 places you’d like to visit:

Since I already mentioned Seattle, Iceland, and New Zealand, I’ll make new choices:

*The version of New York City that exists exclusively in Nora Ephron movies

*Las Vegas, since I haven’t been there in about twenty years, but only in August when it’s 114 degrees there because that was an otherworldly experience

*The office of an editor at a Big Five publishing house after my eight-figure book deal was solidified

*I’ve heard intriguing things about this “Mall of America”

*Any performance venue in the greater Seattle area where Alter Bridge was performing.

John Carlson?

Some questions are without answers.

Day 18: Post-Pandemic Redefining, Part 1

 I've been back at school for about a month now, give or take a day or two. Before that first day back, I believe it's entirely possible I went an entire year of my life wearing t-shirts, sweatshirts, sweatpants, and shorts. 

The thing is, if you threw a few pairs of jeans into that mix, you'd basically be describing at least 85% of my wardrobe. Fine, let's not kid ourselves - the number is higher than 85%, but 85% seems like the highest number I can list without openly humiliating myself for dressing like a 15-year-old. (Yes, I've used that line before in describing my wardrobe, and yes, people have commented that making that comparison is insulting to 15-year-olds.)

Since I've been back to school, I've been sticking close to the jeans-and-sweatshirt aesthetic, mostly because I'm housed in a classroom that isn't known for its warm temperatures. This has mostly worked out because it hasn't been a terribly warm spring so far, at least not until this week, but since the room I'm in nearly all day is still cold, the sweatshirts are totally justifiable. And comfortable. Kind of like walking around in a nice cozy blanket, which I did more than once during The Winter of Isolation.

However, things definitely seem to be on the upturn now, at least as far as the pandemic goes. I mean, even TARGET, for crying out loud, has lifted their mask restrictions. I don't know if that means I'll stop wearing mine in public, but maybe if Target isn't super busy? Anyway. The day is coming when things will return to some semblance or normalcy again. Probably a new version, but definitely a recognizable version. 

One of the things I pondered most heavily during The Winter of Isolation was what I wanted life to be like once that somewhat normal returned. It was a deep list of thoughts I'll be exploring later in the month in a different post, but one thing I felt pretty set on was how there were so many different aspects of my life that I had grown to accept as good enough. I have an old car. My bath and hand towels still do the job of drying, but they aren't super comfortable. There's nothing about it that's fancy, but the mileage is low since my commute is short, so that's good enough. My kitchenware is starting to show its age, but it still keeps my food off the table. Although I don't know if I still need to keep using the same Coca-Cola glasses I won playing Whiffle Ball Tic Tac Toe at some low-rent Wisconsin county fair in 1988....

Hopefully you get the idea. Things were good enough. Does life need to be just good enough? Good enough seems like a compromise, and one thing I learned during the pandemic is that maybe there are aspects of my life and my world where if I don't really need to compromise, maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I could push for things to be at least little better. 

This take us up to today, and one serious truth I know about myself after living through the Covid Months: I am so tired of sweatpants. One of the best things about going back to school was how I really had to wear actual pants again. So, I've been thinking a lot (I learned yesterday that's a phrase that scares my principal a little when I say it, incidentally): My wardrobe needs an overhaul. The follow-up question to that, though? What direction to go? I mean, I ain't James Bond, or a professional football player walking in front of the media on the morning of game day, or some YouTube Clownshoes dying for attention. I feel that somewhere there is a true core Tom aesthetic, but maybe one that can be even gradually upgraded out of the 15-year-old realm. I mean, one of my teaching partners literally laughed out loud last year when she tried to visualize me wearing a button down shirt, and I totally understood where she was coming from. 

So, my question tonight: I'm solidly an adult be any working definition. What items do people feel should be found in the closet of any self-respecting adult male? If I'm going to make a wardrobe upgrade this summer, what suggestions are out there about where I should begin?

Just so you know, giving up my concert t-shirts is totally a deal breaker....

Day 6: The Kids' Book of Questions

 One of my usual May posts is the Q & A post, during which I answer whatever questions people ask me. It’s still coming, in two weeks actually, and I’m really hoping I’ll get a long, challenging, and varied list this year. 

Answering questions can be a solid writing prompt. One of the things I’ve been doing in class to help my students get used to the idea of constructing paragraphs with main ideas and supporting details is assigning them prompts from something called “The Kids’ Book of Questions.” It contains 268 questions, some silly and light, some heavy and dark, that would be good conversation starters and are mostly age appropriate for elementary students. Some might be a little intense to use as for daily writing warm ups, but there are many, many others to choose from. 

Today, with the help of another teacher, I settled on five questions from the book to answer in tonight’s post. We selected them through different methods of mostly random selection. It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be since it is a book for kids and many of the questions, or aspects of them, aren’t very adaptable to adults. But we settled on five. Here they are, along with my responses. 

Question #12: “When you find yourself sitting in front of awful-tasting food that you’re supposed to eat, what’s your best trick for getting rid of it without getting caught?”

I don’t really have this problem, to be honest. I’m kind of picky about food, but for me it’s more about texture being off-putting rather than taste. However, I had several reliable strategies for doing this exact thing when I was a child. I won’t get into details because I don’t think the world needs a full appreciation of how disgusting I was (and Jenny, I promise I will delete any comments you make that clarify this), but I can share what was my best answer for this question. After trying many different things with varying degrees of success with the whole “not getting caught” part, I realized if I filled my mouth at the dinner table with the food I didn’t want right as I finished the meal, I could make a quick dash to the bathroom, spit it all out into the toilet, and BOOM. No evidence.

Question #151: “If you knew that by cheating you could win an important competition for your school and be a hero, would you? Pretend you were sure you wouldn’t get caught.”

It's kind of a funny twist that it's a question for kids and yet I still have a school I can claim as my own. I also just realized this book might have a preoccupation with kids trying not to get caught doing things they shouldn’t. Anyway, no, I wouldn’t. I might be tempted to look for some kind of an advantage or a way to improve my chances, but if I knew I’d won because I’d cheated, I would carry too much guilt and regret for knowing what I had done. 

Question #202: “If a friend gave you a gift you didn’t like, would you pretend you liked it?”

As I understand things, I’m particularly difficult to buy gifts for, so I apologize to anyone who ever has to do that. I have gotten some gifts in the past that I wasn’t exactly thrilled with, but I always at least try to act like I liked them. Unfortunately, I don’t know how convincing I ever am.

Question #244: “What do you parents do the most that embarrasses you?” 

At this point, I don’t think anything. Back when I was a kid though, one thing that comes to mind was when my dad sat with the family in church, which he didn’t always do because he was a member of the choir for most of my childhood, and sometimes he would still sing the songs with a choral-appropriate amount of projection in his voice. As one of my sisters and I would say, “You can take Dad out of the choir, but you can’t take the choir out of Dad.” I also remember my mother had this t-shirt that said “Candy Cruisin’” on it. It was some promotional swag Dad got at the drugstore he managed from a candy company like Sweet Tarts or Skittles or whatever. The thing was, Mom chose ignore the self-awareness it would take to not wear this shirt in public! Like, at stores! Where people could see it and see she was wearing it! Luckily it quickly rotated its way into her gardening attire.

Question #126: “If you could do one thing you’re not allowed to do yet because you’re supposedly too young, what would it be?”

Retire.

How to Fix School For 2020-21 and at Least the Next One Hundred Years

For the past several weeks, finding the best way to operate schools during a pandemic has been at the forefront of a national discussion. Most people agree that it’s a nearly impossible problem to solve, which actually puts it on top of a pile of several other nearly impossible to solve problems education has been facing for generations. That’s okay though, because these problems are only nearly impossible to solve, and not literally impossible. I know this because I thought about them for a little bit this morning, and I think I’ve got everything figured out.

Now, full disclosure: These hypotheticals would cost a LOT of money. There’s no way around that. But didn’t the government just issue stimulus checks like they were Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupons this past spring? I’d argue that with the size of our national economy, there’s money available to allocate if education is made a big enough priority (or, in other words, if it finally became the priority it already should be). 

So, let’s start with the easy part: How do we get through the 2020-21 school year? 

*Accept that 2020-21 is the Covid-19 Year and will be forever marked with an asterisk because of that, which — let’s face it — is already going to happen anyway. We’re in a pandemic. Don’t let the gravity of what that means diminish just because you’ve heard the word so many times in the past six months. There is no true sense of when this will end, or how much worse it will get before it gets any better. It’s a health crisis at a global level. We have to deal with it. So far, our country has come up with some spectacular ways of failing at that.

*Start the school year on October 1st. Go 10 weeks instead of 12 for each trimester this year, to allow for a built-in quarantine stretch between academic terms. Abbreviate the curriculum and eliminate the time used for baseline-establishing standardized testing. Use that extra month up front to give the active teachers time to plan out what needs to happen to make the rest of the year successful. I’m not saying the curricular specialists or the administrators wouldn’t have anything to add, but leaving thousands of teachers out of the planning loop is a waste of talent and creative energy and passion. Give us a rough outline to follow. Give us guiding standards. Then let us start doing the things we do better than anyone else ever could.

*Distance learning for everyone, period. The whole year. Let’s not worry about the time and energy that would need to go into trying to arrange a completely safe hybrid or full return. It’s not perfect, but it’s a lot better than a whole bunch of funerals no one could physically attend. Plus it would take away all the stress related to wondering how each separate district is going to try accommodating their communities every time the Covid data changes a tenth of a percent. Remember — this is the year that’s getting the asterisk anyway. The school buildings could remain open to provide food service for families in need of assistance, and opportunities for students to meet in individual and mitigated settings with social workers, psychologists, speech pathologists, tutors, and whatever other professionals provide necessary services. But traditional classroom teaching? Nope. Just be sure you keep those devices charged. 

*Socialization worries? Overlooking the fact that socialization will be nothing at all like what people advocating for a hybrid model are hoping for, the districts can organize properly mitigated activities, perhaps weekly, for student and/or family participation depending on the course of the virus through their communities. Parents who are concerned about their kids seeing their friends can decide whether or not they’ll allow them to attend. Transportation would be provided to make sure everyone can get there. 

Okay, there we go — 2020-21, settled. Boom, we’re done. Nothing to it. Let’s move on, because we still have some work to do here. Now, when it comes to solving all the other problems school has:

*All teachers working with students through distance learning this year will be doing so with the maximum student-teacher ratio allowed for that grade level. This will allow hundreds of teachers to step away from their direct teaching responsibilities for the year, and instead begin working on reinventing the education model. They’ll be tasked with developing ways an equitable education can be delivered to each student. Covid-19 isn’t our only problem, folks. Systematic racism. Culturally imbedded sexism and gender biases. Fundamental disadvantages associated with poverty or language differences. The constant pursuit of eliminating the achievement gap. Varying opportunities available not just when comparing different school districts, but sometimes between schools in the same district. Schools have become the hubs of their communities, because they represent cross-sectioned samplings of the problems all of our communities face. Every person in education tries really hard to do the best they can, but too often getting through the school day is like swimming uphill. There must be things we could do better.

So what would a complete reinvention for something like this involve? As it happens, I have a few starting points in mind. 

*Keep classes capped at a maximum of twenty students. 

*Each grade level or department in each school should have its own administrative assistant, as well as its own paraprofessional to support instruction. (To be fair, I'm stealing this idea from a friend of mine who has advocated for it for at least a decade.)

*The number of social workers staffed at any building should increase by at least five times, because that many are needed. Really. They are. Additionally, Character Education, or whatever it would be called, would be raised to the level of any other academic discipline. Too many members of our society clearly have things to learn about getting along with other people.

*Speaking of curriculum, it would be reimagined from the ground up. The days of trying to accommodate specific numbers of minutes spent on each subject daily while using prepackaged curriculum plans as gospel truth would be over. Curriculum packages would be starting points. One of the biggest jobs those teacher Think Tanks during the Covid year would be reimagining curriculum in ways that would (a) address state standards and (b) efficiently integrate different disciplines into the same learning opportunities.

*All specialists would have adequate space and materials to work with. Media centers would be updated with current fiction and non-fiction titles each academic term.

*Get rid of the agrarian calendar. Instead of giving students a summer break (because it’s not really like a lot of them need to spend their summer helping to work the family farm anymore), give them four three-week breaks between academic periods spread out during the year. This will go far in eliminating the dreaded “summer slide” and the reteaching time needed at the start each new year to make up for it. I know, I'm not crazy about giving up summer breaks either, but we're doing bold thinking here.

*Extend the school day by an hour (and increase staff pay accordingly). Use that extra hour to give the students more time to eat their meals, more time to read, and more time to meet with the psychologists, social workers, and health professionals they need to see. And on the subject of health professionals, each school health office should be staffed full-time by one doctor, one nurse, one dentist, one psychologist, and at least one paraprofessional.

*Each school should be staffed by a minimum number of licensed substitute teachers, ready to step in and take over a classroom when the emergencies happen, because they do. Exactly how many people would be staffed in these positions would depend on the size of the building. If these teachers are not needed as substitutes, they would be available for classroom support or tutoring during their work hours.

*Finally: No more Flamin’ Hot Cheetos for snacks. Those are just wrong.

Okay, so — I think we all know this list barely scratches the surface about what could be done differently to make schools more effective. But I don’t really know if the original premise is that far out of line: This school year isn’t going to be any kind of normal. No solution will be great. We’re all just imperfect human beings moving into this great unknown, hoping we’ll be able to do our best with the unprecedented situation we find ourselves facing. But if there ever was a time to re-evaluate the way we do things, why not take advantage of a time when we kind of have to do that already anyway? It doesn’t hurt to dream. Procedures begin as plans, and plans start as ideas. Without an idea, there's no first step.

May 21: A Return to the Birthday Horoscope

It’s been a few years since I’ve done a “Your Birthday Today Horoscope” post. I had a landmark birthday in 2018 and decided to go a different direction. Last year I had Freddie take on my Guest Writer responsibilities, which he did on my birthday. So, let’s go back to 2017 and see exactly how things have worked out since then: 

Your success secret: big aims and small plans. There’s a sense of forward movement through the entire solar return; progress in any area brings you forward in others, even if it’s not immediately apparent. July and September will bring financial gains you can reinvest for a bigger payoff in December. Libra and Taurus adore you. Your lucky numbers are: 6, 45, 20, 19, and 38.

Okay, so that was a bunch of crap. I don’t remember exactly how the 2017-2018 ride around the sun went, but I can safely say that any of the things listed that promised anything close to a long-term positive change worked out the way Holiday Mathis had predicted it would. It’s really surprising they let her still publish horoscopes with the track record she has. I'm beginning to doubt her reliability.

Anyway, here’s what, in her infinite cosmic wisdom, my astrological advisor/life coach/role model Holiday Mathis is promising for my Chad Greenway year: 

“Your kindness radiates in all directions including toward yourself (Kindness? Radiates? In all directions? Toward YOURSELF? Already I’m suspicious) and this fortifies and emboldens you to new heights of originality (I fail to see how these things would be connected; I think Holiday is just giving her thesaurus a workout here). You’ll fascinate (um, have I ever fascinated anyone? Doubtful), draw a crowd (of children who are legally required to be with me, provided school or crowds ever happens again), sell to it and fund an enterprise you wholeheartedly believe in (I don’t even know what this means). How satisfying to know you’re making the kind of difference the world really needs now (equally satisfying to be told that staying home and not interacting with anyone is apparently the difference the world needs). Sagittarius and Aquarius adore you (Again with this? Each year she lists two astrological signs that supposedly adore me. I’m waiting to see any evidence that this is ever true. Come on, all you adoring Sagittariuses and Aquariuses; if you’re reading this, you probably know how to get in touch). Your lucky numbers are: 6, 10, 33, 20, and 17 (Holiday finally took 45 off my list. Gosh, I wonder why 45 wouldn't be considered a lucky number anymore).

There is literally no telling what the coming year has in store. I mean, that’s essentially true every year, but back in the B.C. era we could at least predict a lot of things based on whatever reliable behavior patterns we’ve established for ourselves. This year, though? I think that’s out the window. 

I think it will be a good idea for this next orbit if we all hold on with both hands...but just not to each other.

Why Do We Live Here?

Today is the second April snow day I've had off in the past two years. On one hand, this is a huge problem, especially the way things have gone this year: It marks the 7th day my district has had off due to extreme weather this winter, which pushes instructional pacing back by over a week. Not a great thing when state testing begins in three school days. However, I'll openly admit that I'm willing to endure another week of pseudo-winter if it means getting a random day off from work, especially if it means getting a day to breathe and relax during what is traditionally one of the most stressful months of the academic year. 

Having a major snowstorm in the middle of April does seem out of place, though. It often begs the question: WHY DO WE LIVE HERE? When the weather can turn on a dime and usually in the worst of all possible ways here, what is it about living in Minnesota that is so great it makes the climatic disorder of our region endurable? Come on, people! Let's think positive! There are many things!!

(1) SNOW DAYS
Speaking as a teacher, there are few feelings as welcome as discovering you have a surprise day off. It's like waking to an extra Christmas morning without any of the subsequent depression.

(2) CABINS
What could be better than giving yourself a duplicate set of housework chores for a place where you might spend 19 out of your 365 days each year?

(3) THE MALL OF AMERICA
It really is a fascinating wonder of a landmark, and not just a black hole of a tourist attraction where locals bring the out of town visitors they secretly wish had just stayed home.

(4) HOCKEY
Our sport. Our birthright. Not an athletic cult. Nope. Not at all.

(5) CHANGING SEASONS
We have winter, when the world extracts its revenge on humanity for all of the climate change. We have spring, also known as the three weeks between the final snowstorm and the first of the 85º temperatures. Then there's summer, the time of year when the whole world is either crispy from drought or defined by nightly storm warnings. Wrapping it up is everyone's favorite, autumn, when we witness the world slowly dying off, although there’s probably going to be a nice weekend when you can see fall colors while you pay to have your kids wander aimlessly through a field of corn which you can only hope has been cut to form a maze with an actual solution so you'll see them again someday.

(6) SPORTS TEAMS
Our teams rule! Yeah! Go teams! If you take all of our local pro teams, we've had FOUR CHAMPIONSHIP SEASONS in the past ten years! Of course, all four of them came from our WNBA team The Lynx, which far too many sports fans here treat as an afterthought. But hey! They count!

(7) MINNESOTA NICE
More like Minnesota introverted passive-aggression.

(8) THE OUTDOORS
What better place to be than where all of the sunshine, mosquitoes, and ticks can be found? Because none of those have ever been associated with life-threatening diseases. 

(9) WONDERFULLY MAINTAINED ROADWAYS
You know they have to be in great shape if they're being worked on starting the first day each year the highway department thinks they can safely begin working, and work continues until two weeks after the first major snowfall settles in. To say nothing of the expediency involved in repairing spring potholes, none of which ever get so big or deep that they'd have their own tides when filled with snowmelt.

(10) SAFETY
Let's face it. We're pretty close to the center of the continent. In another twenty years, we'll be one of the few remaining regions that isn't underwater.

Day 28: How to Fix Almost Everything About Public Education

Years ago I was in a brainstorming conversation with a colleague, talking about what we would do to create the ideal school from the ground up. It was an engaging thought experiment, and ultimately not unlike coming up with a wish list of gifts you’d hope to receive.

There has been a lot in the news recently (and for the past several years) about how the public education system in America is broken. It’s hard to argue this is at least partially true, especially speaking as someone who has worked inside the system as long as I have and has a fair understanding of how it all works. Today I’m going to present some ideas about how to fix things. Some of these ideas might be a little outside of the box, and I'll admit many of them are not financially practical, but every idea is meant to ultimately benefit the students. 

*Each classroom should be staffed by two licensed teachers, one taking the role of instructional lead while the other offers support. They would rotate those positions throughout the day with each specializing in different content areas. This would cut the planning time for teachers in half, and allow more time for planning and bringing new approaches to their instruction while pursuing the curricular areas they prefer and playing to their strengths. It would give each classroom two consistent adults for the students to bond with. Each pairing of teachers would involve one experienced teacher and one newer to the profession, to help establish a mentor-mentee working relationship.

*Social promotion would end. This helps no one. Addressing the problem through other accommodations as a collaborative team of school staff and the student’s family would hopefully achieve more.

*The curriculum would be based on addressing the same standards for everyone, but would be structured in ways that would address different student ability levels and learning styles. Clustering students by need and establishing magnet schools are positive steps in that direction, but these opportunities should be widely available in each building.

*Schools could promote stronger character education by awarding monthly-themed citizenship awards (something our school has started this year). Once this is in place, the school community should go all in on it, making these goals a constant presence throughout the day and actively promoting them. 

*There should be a team of two or three people in the building in charge of everything to do with standardized testing. They’d be tasked with creating workable schedules, analyzing and establishing building goals, presenting relevant student data to the teaching staff, and serving as a resource throughout the year.

*Community involvement would be an active part of the school calendar. People would come in for special events or presentations to help the students see themselves as a part of a wider community, or communities, instead of just being school kids. This would also give them opportunities to be more active in their community, and give community members a greater awareness and appreciation of what things are happening in the schools. 

*The arts have been woefully minimized in the overall curriculum. This needs to change. 

*Instead of having a school social worker, each building would have a Community Outreach Specialist, since too often that’s what the social worker ends up becoming anyway. This person would be responsible for organizing whatever resources are necessary to meet student needs beyond the academic. They’d have a team of social workers, psychologists, police officers, doctors and nurses, behavioral specialists, and county representatives who might not be permanently staffed in the building but would always be on call and readily available. The ratio of students to available health staff should be close to one adult per grade level. 

*Discipline problems for behaviors that endanger students in any way would be dealt with immediately and consistently. The students affected negatively by the behaviors would have their distractions minimized, while the students with the behavior issues would be held accountable for what they had done wrong while being counseled to change whatever they need to about their personal mindset to find ways to improve future decisions. 

*Intervention teams — people who collaborate to decide whether or not a student would meet eligibility requirements to receive some kind of special education service — would have the resources necessary to move quickly on their decisions. All of the assessments would take place within a week’s time. Any enabled modifications and progress monitoring would begin right away, with the follow-up happening as soon as the modification cycle had finished. Students would have their needs isolated and addressed in weeks instead of months, or years.

*All school staff members who interact with students would receive regular professional development to address whatever capacity they work with the students.

*Elementary school recess would have a permanent staff, sized to greatly reduce the student-staff ratio. One of these people would be a licensed teacher, in charge of providing loosely-organized options for student participation, keeping them active and prevent the explosive social drama that can damage focus for the remainder of the day. Having recess as a fun time and a more positive part of the day for everyone would make it more worth the time.

*Each grade level or department should have its own secretary. Our building has a group of valued parent volunteers who sort all of the weekly flyers being sent home into “Wednesday folders” for the students, which is an incredible time saver. Having someone to take care of the non-instructional organizational things like this (i.e. collecting money, scheduling field trip buses, completing inventories, making copies) would give teachers more time for planning in-depth lessons and focusing on instruction.

*More should be expected of parents. I expect this will be one of the more controversial points I'm making here, and I swear I’m not passing the buck; most parents are supportive and helpful partners with the schools, and are legitimately concerned that their children are doing the best learning they can. On the opposite end of the spectrum are the outliers; I’ve witnessed parents picking up their children at school without knowing the name of the teacher, or even what grade their own child is in. There needs to be some level of agreement, either a more rigid social contract or a loose version of a written one, that establishes the importance of family support in the success of the child. In just the same way parents can’t solve all of the problems themselves, the schools can’t, either. If this kind of communication became an even better established norm than it is now, it could lead to fewer parents and families having adversarial relationships with the people who teach and work with their children, which I'd like to think is what everyone hopes for.

*It is possible for a class to be either too small or too large to be effective. K-1 classrooms should be capped at 18 students, with 2-5 classrooms capped at 24, and secondary classes limited to 28, with exceptions for larger group activities like band or choir. If classes are too small the dynamics can shift to something unproductively casual. I’ve taught classes of anywhere from 15 to 35 students in my career, and at different age levels. From what I’ve seen and experienced, the numbers I’ve proposed are pretty close to the sweet spots for each grade.

*Each school should have multiple cafeterias instead of one big one. Tables should seat no more than six people. All fruits and vegetables would be fresh. Smaller tables would lead to less shouting and less chaos, and would be easier for cafeteria staff to monitor. Fresh fruits and vegetables are simply more appealing than the stuff that comes in enormous cans, and its availability would encourage healthier eating habits.

*Breakfast has to be a choice at each school, if not a requirement like lunches. There would be unbreakable, strictly defined rules forbidding junk food to be brought for daily snacks. Healthier snack choices would be made available from the cafeteria for students who need them during the day, or will need to have one to bring home if they aren’t sure they’ll be able to eat when they get home that evening. 

*There should be one non-student work day for school staff each month. Depending on the needs dictated by the time of year, this day would rotate between preparing for term grades or parent conferences, professional development opportunities, collaboration meetings between departments or teams based on what each team feels they need to meet about. 

*Mandatory team building activities should be summarily abolished. So many more productive things could be done with this time that would have greater impact on the children.

*Each physical plant should be organized for maximum efficiency. Every school building that exists right now should double it’s number of bathrooms. 

In retrospect, a lot of the things on this list could be boiled down to “Take the knucklehead stuff off the teacher’s plates.” This could understandably be taken as me making suggestions about what should change for my job to become easier, but it’s not about things being easier for me. It’s about making things better for the students, and the overall community. If that means I think it’d be better to have someone else pass out the hockey flyers and put together my spreadsheets for me, and for me to spend less time settling hours-long slow-burn arguments about who said what about which friend in the bathroom, so be it.

I’m a teacher. I just want the chance to do it the best I can.

Day 16: My Sporadic Failures at Offensive Manliness

I saw a stupid clickbait article tonight called something like “16 Things Guys Need to Stop Doing Right Now.” Since my self-esteem isn’t fragile enough already, I decided to give it a look and find out how I’ve been offending the rest of society without even realizing it, and in how many different ways I’ve been doing this. It’s all in good fun, right? Wheeee! Here are the items on the list, and how I measured up, or not. 

1 - HUMBLEBRAGGING ABOUT WORKOUTS.
First of all, I think everyone needs to stop using the word “humblebragging” immediately. Secondly, hah. My workouts these days aren’t much more than long walks, depending on how you define long. I’m safe on this one.

2 - TAKING PICTURES WITH THE BEARD LOOK.
I wasn’t even aware The Beard Look was a thing. From what the article says, it’s a facial expression some dudes use in selfies because they think it enhances the awesome of their beard. I am not big on selfies so I feel I get a pass on this one, plus my beard is usually kind of a progressively graying mess that I only keep because I recently shaved it off and discovered that, after having it for ten years, my bare chin makes me look and feel uncomfortably prepubescent. Since the only “looks” I give during pictures are either (a) making a face to cover how badly I expect my normal expression to photograph, (b) smiling sarcastically, which often ends up looking genuine since even my facial sarcasm is finely tuned, or (c) a dead-eyed moment of discomfort frozen in time since I can’t use one of my other go-to poses in that situation. Never do I give my beard a second thought when getting a picture taken. Two for two. 

3 - POSTING ON SOCIAL MEDIA ABOUT EXTREMELY MINOR HOME REPAIRS
I don’t I post much about home repairs because I usually am not the person making them. I might show pictures of something that I paid someone else to do because I have no faith in my ability to do anything related to home improvements correctly, and I'm just so happy to have a stressful problem solved. If I have to do something as minor as change smoke alarm batteries, I feel like several bullets were dodged in the process if the roof didn’t fall in. 

4 - WEARING MUSCLE SHIRTS IN PUBLIC
Honestly, I thought they only made these for little boys now. I’m sure I haven’t owned or worn anything like this since perhaps junior high.  

5 - REFUSING TO LET ANYONE ELSE TOUCH YOUR GRILL
The only grill I own gets plugged into the kitchen counter outlet and has George Foreman’s signature printed on it. If anyone ever wanted to use it, I sure wouldn’t stand in their way.

6 - FLASHING CASH
Seriously? And bait some hoodlum into stealing my wallet? No thank you.

7 - CATCALLING
This is almost funny. I am WAY to tentative about approaching women I’m legitimately interested in, so I can’t imagine just yelling something out at a random woman crossing my path. What’s the end goal for something like this? I don’t get it. Plus I live my life at least trying not to be a giant a-hole. 

8 - BRAGGING ABOUT COMPLETING MINOR PARENTAL DUTIES
Exemption. The only thing related to parenting you’d ever hear me brag about is not being one.

9 - WEARING ATHLETIC SHOES TO WORK
….okay, fine. Guilty. But I have to walk a lot. And through a lot of nasty stuff on the floor. To say nothing of having to supervise recess more days than not. And my feet are almost 50 years old and don’t feel like being jammed into something uncomfortable and stylish. Plus at this point if I tried to wear anything other than athletic shoes at school, several people from a wide range of age groups would make fun of me for the attempt.

10 - ASKING WOMEN IF THEY’RE “UPSET”
I see dozens of women at work each day. I never have to ask if they’re upset because we’re all teachers, and upset is kind of our default state. 

11 - WEARING FEDORAS
Not a once. I mean, can you imagine?

12 - PERFORMING IRONIC ACOUSTIC COVERS OF RAP SONGS
I don’t know any rap song well enough to invest the time it would take to do this. And what kind of hipster doofus uses anything to do with the music someone else loves to create an ironic moment only they and their other hipster doofus friends will enjoy? Come on, everyone. Let’s just think positive and put the music snobbery aside.

13 - DRINKING PROTEIN POWDER
I remember being on a kick of going through a lot of those Carnation Instant Breakfast drinks one spring many years ago. Does that count? Otherwise, I’d so much rather get my protein from far more delicious options. 

14 - POST PHOTOS WITH CRYPTIC, PSEUDO-INSPIRATIONAL HASHTAGS
I’ll admit that sometimes my photo captions might be a little cryptic, but that’s only because I’d rather try to evoke a feeling and share that than say something like “Great time at the beach with the fam!” I don’t do pseudo-inspirational, or even purely inspirational, hashtags, though. 

*15 - ONE-UPPING
I don’t think I do this, but I often worry that I do. I don’t think I’m much of a braggart; in fact, if anything I tend to go the other direction since my sense of humor is often self-deprecating. But you know how when you’re trying to participate in a conversation and you find a connection to whatever the topic is, and you bring that up? I’m not very comfortable with that. I imagine doing that too often would make people think I’m always trying to steer the conversation to be about me. Which is hardly ever the case. 

*16 - ONE-UPPING, THAN WALKING IT BACK.
I do this exact thing SO MUCH LESS than other guys….

Day 2: Celebration Overkill

A friend of mine retires from teaching in a few weeks. She’s not one big on ceremony, and has asked that instead of our school holding its standard nod toward a retirement party that we only have a cake in the staff lounge. I appreciate where she’s coming from on this, because I wouldn’t be comfortable as the center of attention in a big celebration. When it’s my turn to retire in another eighty-five or so years, I hope I’ll be able to duck out with minimal fanfare as well. 

Some of us got to talking about retirement yesterday, and how retirement parties are generally given much less acknowledgement now than even fifteen or twenty years ago. A retirement is no small thing, after all. It’s the closing of a career. 

The more we all talked about it, we realized almost every half-special event in this post-millennial social network driven culture we’re all trying to navigate seems to have some kind of manufactured celebration tied to it. It’s possible that because of this the idea of a what makes an event special has been diluted by so many other over-the-top celebrations, and people might be burned out on them by the time they reach retirement age.

For example: A generation or two back, if you wanted to go to prom with someone, you found maybe the nerve to ask, they said yes or no, and boom, the deal was done. Now, and I apologize in advance for using this abomination of a word, promposal (and thank you, spellcheck, for rightfully trying to correct my use of that word) videos go viral with frightening regularity. Also, when did going to prom become about a photo shoot with twenty couples posing at some completely arbitrary location, like a park or a grain mill to create atmosphere that has nothing to do with prom? When Peter Parker picked up his date in “Spider-Man: Homecoming,” he awkwardly gave her a corsage, her mom took a picture or two, and her dad drove them to the dance. Why does it need to be more than this? (Granted, Peter was going to homecoming instead of prom, and half an hour later he was fighting his date’s father from the outside of an invisible cargo jet 20,000 feet in the air, but I feel my point here still stands.)

Another example: I remember the excitement when my sister and her husband were expecting and learned they were having boys, but I know they sure as hell didn’t go through all the pomp and faux ceremony of sharing that moment while sixty of their closest friends watched them cut into a mystery cake with either pink or blue inside, or popping a balloon to see what color of confetti was in it. Aren’t baby showers enough?

Don’t get me started on weddings. Back when I was young enough to be curious about seeing how many people I went to high school with were getting married, the engagement photo was basically a standard graduation-style head shot with two people instead of one. It showed up in the local newspaper and was never seen or heard from again because it had served its purpose. I can’t remember exactly when “Save the Date” cards became a thing, but I remember the first time I received one and thinking it was kind of bossy. Why exactly do these things and the engagement announcement portfolios that inevitably follow, require separate and extensive photo sessions? And when the actual wedding day arrives, why does the entire wedding party need to dance their way into the dinner with each couple getting their own entrance music, like they’re coming up to bat in major league baseball? Note to the future brides and grooms of the world: If you have your wedding party make dramatic musical entrances like that in the name of fun, you’re pretty much tipping your hats about the flash mob coming up during either the first or second song the D.J. plays. We’ve all seen it enough to know it’s coming.

I understand wanting to celebrate. I’m really not against it, even if I’ve leaned into a slightly-exaggerated version of a cranky old man voice here. But there’s celebrating to acknowledge an event and to enjoy the company of the people important to you, and there’s just taking the whole thing too far. Remember that whatever kind of party you’re throwing, it isn’t being entered into any kind of contest to be the best one ever, despite what Instagram wants you to believe. Just enjoy the moment and take it in for what it’s worth. Please. Because the first time I see an internet photo album that shows a couple at a cake tasting event deciding what flavor of cake their baby will smear and smash all over themselves during their first birthday party? I’m moving off the grid.

The K Word

There are days when I swear the only thing I’m going to be remembered for when my teaching career ends is the bunny suit. But just a few days ago, while drafting my new manuscript, I realized there was something else I have an unbreakable association with in the minds of many of my colleagues.

One day, a long time ago, I was picking up my students from the cafeteria after lunch. As they were returning their trays and lining up, one little scandalized tattletale came up to me with a look of earnest distress, telling me how someone else in class had said “the K word.” Of course I had no idea what she meant. I answered with what has become a standard response to such matters over the years: “Thank you for letting me know. I will speak to them about this later.” She walked away, satisfied that justice would be carried out.

Polite society demands that some offensive words are referred to by only a first letter, since using the words themselves has become justifiably unacceptable. I’d like to propose the time has come to add another word, an actual K word, to the list of verbal taboos: 

Kiddo.

Years ago, if not decades by now, while enduring a specifically purgatorial staff development session, the presenter used the word “kiddo” what I would estimate to be approximately once every one hundred seven seconds. I became so preoccupied with waiting to see when it would come up again that I began doing something I hadn’t done since my undergrad days: keeping tally marks in the upper left hand corner of the composition book I was using to take notes. (I rely heavily on notebooks such as these during staff development; either they help me organize and process the important ideas of the day, or, if I’m particularly less than engaged for whatever reason, they’re great for writing down jokes to keep myself amused.) My tallies numbered well into the dozens by the time the session had ended, and I hadn’t even started at the beginning.

Then, sometime later, that word began to spread. Like a pathogen. Maybe it just started catching on or maybe it had always been there, and it just took the frequency of that one particular session to permanently tattoo the frustration on my brain. Either way, it had become impossible to avoid and only grew progressively worse as time went on. You know how health professionals tell us not to use antibacterial soap because doing so actually aids in the development of superviruses? In my school district, “kiddo” has grown to the point of being a verbal supervirus. 

So what’s my problem with this word? What is it about “kiddo” that gets me so riled up?

1) It’s meant to sound endearing, but it’s not. It’s usually intended to be a linguistic compromise for people who want to come across as professionals in a professional setting, but also want to project how they have enough warmth and familiarity regarding children to keep from seeming clinical and distant. 

2) It’s degrading. Maybe only mildly so, but still. Anytime someone calls someone else “kiddo” to their face, they’re sending a message about the relationship they have with that person, and usually the person on the receiving end is either younger or less experienced. You want proof? Ask Siri. Or here, I’ll save you the time and tell you what she says: “NOUN (informal) / used as a friendly or slightly condescending form of address.” Notice how she didn't just stop at "friendly."

3) At least in the educational world that surrounds me, it has devolved into becoming a tag so generic and overused that it has lost all meaning. I’m sure you know what that’s like. If not, pick any word you can think of and repeat it to yourself, out loud, at least thirty times. Listen to yourself say it. Eventually it will start to leave a bad taste in your mouth, and you’ll start thinking things like, “What does this even mean? How did this configuration of letters ever get put together to represent any kind of a concept? Do I sound like a complete moron every time I say this word out loud? I’m starting to think I do.” Don’t believe me? Try it. Here’s a word to experiment with: Soap. Thirty times, out loud, listening closely. See how you feel about it when you’re done.

4) For too many people, it’s become a code word, something akin to teen slang. If someone chooses to refer to any plurality of children as “kiddos” instead of “kids” or “children” or even, dare I say, “students,” they are making a choice to associate themselves with a larger group who does the same thing. They’re using lazy verbal shorthand as a way to communicate they're referring to students in a professional capacity, but are still trying to maintain a dose of warmth and fuzziness in doing so.

I can’t stand the word. I just used it in a manuscript because I wanted to convey something negative about the character who says it. I refuse to watch the movie “Kill Bill Vol. 2” because it’s revealed before the end that the real name of Uma Thurman’s character is Beatrix Kiddo. Whenever I’m sitting in a staff meeting and or any kind of professional development session with people I know and the presenter uses the word, I feel several pairs of eyes looking at me, waiting for my reaction. And even if people are subtle enough about it to not turn and look at me with a big smile and try to catch my eye, I know several of them are internally laughing at my pain. 

So please, everyone. For my sake, and for the sake of whatever goodness and purity there still might be in our society, let’s all agree to put the “K word” behind us.

The Reverse Q & A

Each of the years I’ve done daily May blog posts I’ve always had one day when I wrote a Q&A, when people asked questions about anything and I’d give my best, and sometimes even semi-serious, answers. This year a friend suggested I reverse that, and instead provide my own list of answers ahead of time for people to try finding questions that would match. I wasn’t sure which way to go with this at first, but decided to think of questions I suspect some people might have reasons to ask me. Whether these people ever read my blog or not I can’t say, and I’ll admit to being a little hyperbolic with some of my answers to make them less transparent than they feel. But each of these would be a legitimate answer to a question that someone might want to ask, or one that maybe hadn’t occurred to them to ask. I came up with ten. I’m curious to find out what questions people would match with these, if any responses come in. Let’s play!

*I absolutely would. In a heartbeat. And I probably will someday, maybe soon, if I screw up enough nerve. 

*Most of the time, yes. I admit it’s a luxury that most people would love to experience. But only most of the time. Not always.

*I’m not saying I did everything right, but we are the way we are now largely because of the choices you made. We always felt a little one-sided, until we weren’t even that.

*No. I promise. 

*Yes. And I can’t imagine that you’ve never at least suspected it.

*I probably would, at least sometimes, if I was asked. But being who I am, it’s not ever going to be anything I bring up on my own. I have a hard time inserting myself into situations like that without some reassurance.

*It’s an introvert thing that I can’t really explain in a way that would sound like anything but a cop-out. All I can say is that it would be physically and emotionally painful on a scale that most people couldn’t appreciate.

*I’ll admit it gives me some pause. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I understand why. You’ve got a lot going on. But seriously, how hard would it be? And isn't it the way things are supposed to be anyway?

*Because it feels as much like home as any home I’ve ever had, and more than some.

*I honestly don’t know if I ever will.




There they are. Who’s got the questions?

Another Birthday Horoscope

It’s time for the annual “Your birthday today” horoscope review! I have to admit I haven’t been paying much attention to the daily horoscopes as of late. I think it has something to do with the fifteen minutes I’d had to spend one morning working to convince my fourth graders that astrology isn’t an actual science, evidenced by how the horoscopes are relegated to the same page of the newspaper as the Sudoku puzzle.

Here’s what Prognosticator Holiday Mathis told me to expect last year:

"The next three months bring opportunities that seem straight from a sample sale -- odd shapes, colors, and sizes -- a creative challenge with fantastically lucky results. Couples will adventure in June and intertwine business to lucrative effect in September. Singles aiming to fulfill a business agenda accidentally catch feelings. Leo and Aries adore you. Your lucky numbers are: 4, 17, 22, 38, and 45.”

I’m not sure what creative challenge I had to face this past year, other than spending months planning out a manuscript and then proceeding to burn it to the ground, which I wouldn’t describe as a fantastically lucky result. I don’t remember catching a lot of feelings, though I did have a pretty relentless chest cold last winter, which didn’t feel great. And who knows what happened to all of those Leo and Aries folk.

Let’s take a look at what I have in store for the coming 365:

Your success secret: big aims and small plans (very growth mindset of you, Holiday). There’s a sense of forward movement through the entire solar return; (why do I care about the entire solar return? This is supposed to be about me) progress in any area brings you forward in others, even if it’s not immediately apparent (so basically as long as I do anything right, I can do no wrong). July and September will bring financial gains you can reinvest for a bigger payoff in December (sure they will). Libra and Taurus adore you (hey there, Libras and Tauruses: How you doin'?). Your lucky numbers are: 6, 45, 20, 19, and 38 (okay, this is now a second year for 38 being one of my birthday lucky numbers, and a THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR for 45! Seriously — 45?! Consider for a moment how ironic that is).

Okay. Let’s get this year started and see what the future actually has in store.

How to Become a Millionaire

You might think from the title of this post that I’m joking, but I assure you I’m not. I’ve cracked it. I’ve figured out precisely what steps need to be followed to make practically anyone into a millionaire. It’ll take work, and a small capital investment up front, but I feel I can almost guarantee success.

If you pay attention to the media at all, you’ve probably recently seen a news story or article about fidget spinners. Maybe it was about how they’re the new craze with all the kids these days. Maybe it was something about how their slightly hypnotic nature makes them a great source of stimulation to help some students with specific learning challenges focus more effectively in school. 

In my world, they’re nothing but the newest Pog.

Back in the summer of 1993, my first summer vacation as a teacher, I took a trip to Hawaii for about a week and a half to visit an old high school friend of mine who was stationed in the Navy. At some point during that trip, he was telling me about pogs, the collectible toys that had started out as milk carton caps or something like that. There was some game that involved them, and kids all over the Hawaiian islands were playing it and collecting them like crazy. I didn’t get it. They were basically cardboard circles, I’d argue. Why are people spending money on sets of these, and carrying cases for them, and trading them to get ones with special designs? 

Just wait, he said. It’s only a matter of time. 

He was right. Half an ocean wasn’t enough to keep them from spreading to the mainland, and less than two years later far too many of my third graders counted their Pog collections as not only their most prized possessions, but an indicator of their place in the social order of elementary school. 

Ever since the days of Pogs, I’ve seen one trend after another come and go. Some disappear forever, while some just drop off in craze popularity and become a niche interest. Beanie Babies. Gel pens. Goosebumps books. A Rubik’s cube resurgence. Silly Bandz. Kendamas. Pokemon Cards. Each of these things and probably half a dozen others I don't remember has in turn reached a level of popularity that eclipsed every other toy or fad or hobby of its time. They all had their moments of news story or newspaper article focus. Many were hated by teachers, and eventually banned from schools due to their monumental distraction potential. 

We’re in 2017 now. Fidget Spinners have taken their place in the overblown collection fad rotation, and have, at least in the case of my school, reached the inevitable point of saturation that leads to a school-wide ban.

So here’s what I’m thinking. If someone was willing to invest a reasonably minimum amount of capital and stick around for the long haul, it really would not be difficult to take advantage of the hive mentality guiding so many kids to their current favorite toys. If you’re up for it, here’s how to make this happen:

*You’d need a storefront somewhere, and probably in a mall space with a lot of traffic. Families wouldn’t travel halfway across the city to buy one very specific toy, but if they were already going to a place with nine other places they’d like to shop? Boom. Then you give the place a catchy title, something like “Childhood Obsessions” but maybe with a connotation a little less dark than that. You could still operate online sales through the store, but a physical space will prove to be vital.

*Stock your store with all the goofy things kids like to collect, even if they’re a few cycles out of style. When the ankle-biters comes into the store to buy the cool new whatever they so desperately want, they’ll drag the parents with them, and you’ll be ready with your display of gel pens or retired Beanie Babies ready to grab Mom and Stepdad by the nostalgia for more sales. Of course the biggest part of your profits will be whatever the cool toy of the day is, but you need to stay in business between cycles, so having that archive stock is just as important. 

*Promote your store by word of mouth. Get your name out there on Instagram and Snapchat, because those are the social networks kids care about. Arrange to set up kiosks at their weekend soccer tournaments or dance competitions. 

*Most importantly, while you are inserting yourself into the child-populated world, pay attention to what they’re talking about and playing with and posting online. Look for the growing trends. When you see a rising popularity in Glow-In-The-Dark Unicorn Ghost Putty, POUNCE. Buy as much as you can, and fill as many of your store shelves as you’re able. Get the normal kind of Ghost Putty, get the kind with the glitter mixed in, get a few tubs of the kind that changes color the longer kids play with it, get the collector sets that come with three different colors and a named unicorn figurine with a multi-colored mane that matches the colors of Ghost Putty that came in the pack. Cover all your bases so you're prepared to accommodate the needs of the Ghost Putty starter as well as the hardcore collector.

*Ride that trend into the ground. By now your store will be so popular that all of the junior television news reporters who get stuck with producing the inevitable Unicorn Ghost Putty story will see your store show up first in their Google search of local businesses that sell it. This will build the perception that your store is the marquee outlet in the entire metropolitan area for purchasing quality Unicorn Ghost Putty — not that generic crap you always see by the cash registers at gas stations and convenience stores. That news story will draw you more business. All you have to do is keep selling that stuff right up to the week immediately after the wave eventually crashes. 

*Count up the cash you collected as a result of the latest craze, then sit back and wait for the next one to spin up. 

Nothing to it!