May 31: Adequate

Several years back, someone set up a Secret Santa gift exchange for anyone on our school staff who wanted to participate. I signed up, because I’m fun like that. It was meant to be an enjoyable little distraction, and for the most part that’s all it really was. I don’t even remember who I had for a Secret Santa, but to be fair I don’t remember anyone I’ve ever had for Secret Santas or Bunnies or Pumpkins or any other holiday-themed derivations of $10-or-less gift exchange activities from my career. I do remember the last day of this particular year though, because on the very last day before winter break when we were scheduled to reveal our hidden identities, this was mounted on the wall in the staff lounge: 

Many people told me about it before I saw it for myself. Our staff has never exactly been wacky by any stretch, but we haven’t been immune to occasional pranks over the years, either (something our current media specialist would likely attest to following events of the past two weeks). I figured it might have to do with Secret Santa, and it did: Our lead secretary at the time had drawn my name and put it up early in the morning since she had to be at her desk when the actual exchange was happening.

I decided to play along and left it up throughout the day, feeling certain there’d be a lot of people who would walk in, see that and immediately think, “Oh, for what the hell. He is? Really? REALLY?! Arrogant little chucklehead probably put that up himself....” Or along those lines. The message did not remain intact, with one of two other people making edits to it throughout the day, which thankfully I never had to see since my schedule that year didn’t allow for a lot of lounge time.

It was nearly the end of the day when I had a chance to go down and see it. At the time I fully intended to peel the letters from the wall and take it down since I thought we’d all been subjected to the message long enough, but at the last moment I was hit with inspiration to make my own edit. I didn’t want to change it to something so cutting that it would be seen as an insult, so people would be shocked to read it and think I had some dark and disturbed nemesis hiding on the staff (I actually do have one of those, but that’s a different story), but just a tweak that would downplay the original intent. So I changed it to this: 

I took a picture of it and quickly exited the room. It got some good laughs before I took it all down after school, and the whole thing probably would have died there if I hadn’t used that picture as a Facebook cover photo. Several times. Any time I would dig it out again it would get a few likes for as long as I would leave it up, which was never more than a few weeks at a time. This spring though, it seemed to catch on for some reason, to the point that it’s fair to say that “adequate” turned out to be my word of the month. It came up in a lot of my birthday wishes. It was part of an inscription of sorts that I received in being recognized for either 29 or 30 (29 really) years of an adequate teaching career. It was the word that kind of floated around me in some kind of ethereal on-deck circle, just waiting to jump into the minds of anyone talking to me when the opportunity came up to once again throw back to the ongoing “adequate” gag. 

Really, I don’t think adequate is such a bad thing. I looked it up in the bare-bones, but adequate, thesaurus app built in to my laptop to see what synonyms were listed: Sufficient. Acceptable. Reasonable. Decent. Quite good. Ordinary. Capable. Suitable. None of these are all that bad. Of course, we also get words like unremarkable and unexceptional, but I don’t know if those are necessarily bad things. How could you truly recognize something as being exceptional if it was like that all the time? The standard would change.

Like just about every other teacher in the world, especially the ones who have invested far too many years of their life into the profession, I’ve had my exceptional moments. I have my strengths, but I also have my weaknesses and failings. We all do. I think for most of us, we should feel lucky if the sum of our parts allows us to reach the end of the school year feeling capable after what we did, with reasonable accomplishments to show for our efforts.

I think adequacy can also apply the same way to life in general. After all, would you want every meal you ever eat in your life to be exceptional? Could you call every book you read exceptional or remarkable if there weren’t a few you came across that just weren’t very good? If the weather of each day was beautiful like it is today, you’d learn to expect things to be that way, and would only notice the differences when it didn’t measure up. 

Freddie and I were just out for a walk because it’s such a nice day. A lot of the time I don’t think to notice the weather unless I'm avoiding how unpleasant it is, but today really is an exceptional spring day. While we were out walking, we stepped off the path for a bit to talk with one of my neighbors, who was sitting on his patio under a huge patio-sized umbrella, enjoying the day and working through a book of crossword puzzles. That could have been everything he needed to have an exceptional afternoon, even if it sounds fairly boring, or adequate, to a lot of other people. There he was though, comfortably relaxing, doing something he enjoyed, taking in a nice day without any immediate cares in the world. That seems like the kind of day most of us would aspire to have. 

I absolutely believe it’s fair to describe my life as adequate. I think it’d be difficult to come up with anything about it I’d go as far as describing as exceptional. Sure, there are times when a little more exceptional would be appreciated, but a lack of that shouldn’t necessarily detract from what my life is. Speaking as someone with an adequate and unremarkable life, I think of fair descriptor of how I feel about it would be, for the most part, content. 

I’ll admit though, sometimes a few more aspects, or even moments, of the exceptional wouldn’t be unwelcome. I have to say, the closer we get to that last day of school and that first day of summer break, especially coming off of The Dreaded Covid Year When Everything Sucked So Much, it feels like any direction I’m even casually thinking about pursuing this year will somehow work toward encountering some of those exceptional moments. Maybe a few moments would be enough. Or maybe I’ll end up redefining what I think of as content, and adequate won’t seem to be enough anymore. 

Or maybe adequate will be the highest level I’m able to reach. And if that proves to be the case, well, things could be much worse.

Day 27: The Questions for My Future Self

 I feel like I’ve written about this topic before, but since I can’t find that other hypothetical post I think I’m clear to use it tonight.

My 5th graders, distance learners or not, are now in the single digits as far as days remaining in their elementary school careers. An activity our social worker has done with 5th graders toward the end of many past school years has been to get each of them to write a letter to their future self, in a time capsule sort of way. It gets them thinking about the person they are right now, and who they might become by the end of middle school, or high school, or later in life -- whenever they choose to read the letter they wrote. He gives them a list of ten questions to write about, then has them choose four. This year I wrote down the ten questions. I’ll be answering them tonight, thinking ahead to the day that will come in ten years or so, when all of this school business will finally reach an end for me. So here we go. Just remember these were originally questions for children, so I may go outside the lines on a few of them.

#1: List three words to describe yourself. 

The best description I’ve ever heard about myself actually came from a former principal. I don’t remember the context, but she said, “I don’t know if I’ve ever met anyone so willing to take too much credit for things and not enough credit at the same time.” I heard that and thought: Wow. That is entirely fair, and I like how complex it makes me seem.

#2: What are your hobbies?

Hobbies are interests you pursue during your idle time, so it doesn’t seem like they can have anything to do with professional pursuits. Unfortunately, that doesn’t leave too much for me once teaching and writing are taken off the table. I like playing games and solving puzzles. Relaxing in front of the TV with some shows or movies to watch is pretty cool. I have a few favorite podcasts I listen to, often in the middle of the night if I wake up and want to try and lull myself back to sleep.

Other than that…walking the dog? Self-doubt? Anxiety? Do any of those count?

#3: Who are your friends?

This is kind of complicated, so I’ll explain a few things about my perspective. First off, as far as honest to goodness friends go, I only have a small circle of them — it’s an introvert thing. Beyond that, I think of friendship in three wider circles. The next closest would be those you have the most proximity with, like, in my case, people I work with and see every day and have connected with on some level. Outside of that would be the people that I still have some degree of relationship with, even if our paths have gone in different directions and I don’t see them very often (the Covid Year being an exception in the time length here). If we stay in touch at all in some real way instead of some pretend crap like social media "friendships," I would still think of you as a friend, and very likely I miss not having you as directly in my life as you once were. If you’re someone I know but haven’t even really spoken to in, say, the last three years? Well…Circle 3, aka Acquaintance Town. It should also go without saying that everyone, with a few exceptions in that tightest, smallest circle, will have to line up behind Freddie in terms of importance.

#4. What do you want to be when you grow up? 

I’m unconditionally grown up. But keeping in mind I wouldn’t open this time capsule letter until after I retire, the only ambition I’d have at that point would be to have achieved the level of working author.

#5. What technology do you think will exist?

Human augmentation, which will include direct mental connections to some new organic form of the internet once the Singularity is reached and surpassed.

#6. Who do you look up to? 

Outside of the obvious answers that practically everyone would list (parents, sister, John Petrucci), I’d rethink this one as people I admire: The musicians and writers who can bring magic moments into being and make it seem effortless when the truth is far from that; the colleagues I work with who have so much more patience than I do and display boundless compassion so easily because it’s a part of who they are, and/or keep showing up in their classroom even when it feels like the world around them has been temporarily engineered to kick their ass. People who get vaccinated.

#7. What are your hopes and dreams?

For the people in my family to have long, happy, and healthy lives. To be able to retire as a working writer, and have a happy and healthy life that stretches out long enough for me to enjoy that. To not be alone.

#8. What positive skill could you develop or behavior you could change that would help you reach those dreams?

Once the pandemic has faded into relative obscurity and my brain is no longer caving in, I really want to get back into a regular writing routine. I know I can do it. I have before, for long stretches of time. This past year though, and all the baggage that came with it between Covid and distance learning? It was too much. I allowed it to be enough that I was developing an idea instead of actively writing a story. 

#9. What are places you hope to visit? 

Top, top of the list is to get back out to the PNW. Other than that? Iceland would be interesting. So would New Zealand, I think. Really though, I’ve always felt that travel is less about the destination and more about who is with you on the journey.

#10. What advice would you give your future self?

If you haven’t yet learned to live with the idea that people don’t necessarily define you by your flaws and failings and might see worth in you that you don't always recognize yourself, you should probably start wrapping your head around that idea. You’re an old man, dude. It's seriously time to get over yourself.

Day 21: Deconstructing the Horoscope, 2021

 Today is my birthday. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay. 

A year ago, here's what my "Your birthday today" horoscope from half-human, half-wizard prognosticator of times to come Holiday Mathis had to say 2020 had in store for me: 

"Your kindness radiates in all directions including toward yourself and this fortifies and emboldens you to new heights of originality. You'll fascinate, draw a crowd, sell to it and fund an enterprise you wholeheartedly believe in. How satisfying to know you're making the kind of difference the world really needs now. Sagittarius and Aquarius adore you. Your lucky numbers are 6, 10, 33, 20, and 17."

As I usually say at this point upon reflection - what a load of crap. Not to get too heavy or anything, but Level 52 was one of the loneliest, depressing, and uncertain years of my life. I would have appreciated it if Holiday had been a little more straightforward with me about what was coming from the beginning.

Anyway. Let's see what she has to say about about 53: 

"All you've overcome has made you strong -- and funny! Humor comes from the flexibility of perspective seeing different sides and extremes of life. A project will put your talents to good use, and you'll be enthusiastically endorsed, too, helping you to move up professionally and financially. Aquarius and Pisces adore you. Your lucky numbers are 21, 1, 7, 9, and 13. 

So, Aquarius and Piseces -- how you doin'?

To hedge my bets this year, I saved a fortune cookie from some takeout last week. I have not opened it until just this moment, which I'm sure means the fortune cookie magic, which I have to believe is just as valid as whatever juju Holiday Mathis brings to the table, has remained intact and starts applying right now: 

"Broke is only temporary; poor is a state of mind. Lucky Numbers: 4, 54, 39, 52, 51, 56."

I'll at least give the fortune cookie credit for correctly using a semicolon, a skill I'm not entirely sure Holiday has packed away in her grammatical arsenal. Plus I have even more lucky numbers on my side.

Though I noticed 53 was not among them....

Day 3: Building a Mini-Bucket List

During an early morning Target run this past weekend, I bought a new package of Post-It Notes to use on my fridge this summer. If you’re new to the idea, I’ve spent most of the past few summers turning the front of my refrigerator into a massive To-Do list of summertime activities, with each note listing something else to do, which I peel off and throw out as I complete them. Hopefully by the time school starts again in the fall I’ve finished off at least most of the things I had listed. It’s a good cure for the days when you can’t think of anything to do.

I didn’t do it last year, because the options of what to do seemed so severely pandemic-limited and the only thing really on my list was stay home and not die. However, the world seems to be regaining some of its equilibrium. Even though Covid is hardly resolved (and seriously, if you think it’s gone or will end anytime soon you have some real self-searching to do), life does feel slightly less dangerous than it did a year ago. I’ve gotten pretty good at managing a safe lifestyle, and I’ve had both of my shots. Maybe the occasional measured or controlled risk wouldn’t be completely inappropriate? After all, as I mentioned in the previous paragraph — I did actually go inside a Target store, and buy things. Clearly I’m ready to live on the edge.

In all seriousness I have no plans on going crazy with the “open world” idea. But I love my vaccines and the increased security I’ve learned to feel with their 95% efficacy. I think getting out and doing a few things might not be so bad under the right conditions. After a year of isolation, there are a lot of things I’ve always enjoyed, particularly in the summer, that I missed after holding back from doing them.

There are things I’d like to do that I’m not ready to yet, and even some bigger, more adventurous things that I’d like to try someday. But in the short term? There are the things I’ve missed being able to do. There’s stuff I’d like to try, projects I’d like to attempt, things about my life I’d like to work on trying to change, for real. People to see. Skills to develop. The kind of unremarkable but still unusual and potentially memorable experiences to be collected that would be worth the investments of time and effort. 

I think a lot of people might see life this way now, divided between Before Covid and After. Speaking for myself, living through an existential threat (shut up, science deniers) gives you a watered-down version of the perspective that I imagine people who’ve experienced near misses with illnesses or injuries probably feel. They survived, and come out the other side with an appreciation of the opportunities, the potential, and the promise life still holds.

I’ve never really had an official Bucket List so much as some things I hoped I’d get to do or see someday. I’m not thinking in terms like that here, at least not exactly. Instead of putting together a checklist of things like exotic places to visit, I’m thinking of smaller things, sort of like the things that really I could have done at almost any point but never took advantage of the opportunities to do. The smaller things. It seems to me as I start thinking about another summer with my fridge hidden beneath a layer of Post-It Notes, this might be a summer to try and accomplish some of those things.

For example: I’ve never been big on spending a lot of time in the city. Really, it’s just not my thing. I was brought up in small towns, and I’m relatively comfortable here in the blandness of the suburbs. But I’ll admit I can enjoy the energy of the city when I’m there, at least if I'm not trying to steer a grade level through a field trip. Maybe taking the commuter train downtown to meet up with a friend for lunch sometime could be a nice little fun-sized adventure. Of course I’d have to feel comfortable about riding the train, which is far from a lock right now, but we’re really just throwing around hypothetical spitballs here, so why not consider it for the list.

I’d like to give my dog a chance to see more of the world around him than he has; he likes exploring the neighborhood, so he might like getting out a little further. I have friends with dogs he could meet. It could make for a fun evening to go visit with some of them some summer evening, and maybe sit outside for dinner. I’ve been a writer for so long, and my best friend is a professional musician. We’ve talked for decades now, literally, about trying to collaborate on writing at least one song. I know he’s game for it and is just waiting for me to have an idea. Maybe this could be the summer to really try. A few years ago a friend of mine and I joked about making a day trip up North to visit a mutual friend with an alpaca farm and shop. That could be fun. I'm almost certain it would be.

The way I see it right now, I have a little over a month to really zero in on what would be the things that could both enhance my summer and help me fill in some of the overall life gaps I’d like to close while I still have the chance. Even if I only managed to address some of them in the end, I think it'd be worth the attempt.

Pandemic Narrative Part 16: The Beginning of the End

I started writing these narratives back on March 14th, intending to give myself a way to trace how the pandemic changed the world around us throughout its duration. I wrote up a list of ten thoughts on that first post. It seems appropriate on this one, the last post of the year, that I should do the same.

1. Since I’ve included statistics in each pandemic narrative, I feel I should keep that going. Worldwide: 81.5 million cases; 1.78 million deaths. America: 19.4 million cases; 347,000 deaths. This means approximately one out of every one thousand Americans has died from this. If that count been the result of a war, I’m pretty sure that both politically and socially we would be much more united around the idea of working against it than we currently are. However, I’m now able to add a new statistic to the tally: So far, there have been 2.1 million vaccines given. A start.

2. I don’t like this about myself, but I’ll own it: I rarely start a new year with optimism. I think it’s fair to attribute this to losing my sister: When the new year rolls around I always carry at least a small suspicion that there’s going to be a day when I’ll be expecting everything to be normal, and life will put up a serve that resets it in a darker light, and everything will be about trying to survive and process the experiences that follow. Vaccine production aside, there’s still a pandemic going on, and there are still reasons for all of us to begin 2021 with active caution. On the plus side though, at least the most incompetent, self-centered, ignorant, and corrupt president in all of American history, whose foolishness is largely responsible for the predicament we’re in, will be out of office in a few weeks.

3. I honestly feel like I’m one of the few people left on Earth who still bothers to live with any precautions. Cars pass my house all day long like they always have. On the rare days I go to Target for a curbside pickup, all of the parking lots are full. I have filled my car's gas tank twice since March. Granted, I have no metric for what the outside world is like, other than the way the selfish, headstrong few will broadly paint social media with proclamations of their bold stands against anything they’ve been asked to do in the name of public health. Feeling like I’m one of the 0.0004% of the population still striving to adhere to anything but the bare minimum of staying safe is disheartening. It only compounds the isolation. Even if it’s mostly imagined, it feels just as real when you don’t have any evidence in front of you to prove it’s wrong.

4. What will it be like when the world begins to once again take the shape of something recognized as normal, whenever that might happen? How long until the world is safe again? How difficult will that transition be, to rejoin the world? Being an introvert has helped tremendously as far as the isolation goes, but introverts are not, by nature, antisocial. I don’t mind wearing masks, but my God, I can think of maybe five times in the past nine months I’ve even touched another person. 

5. There’s no way this isn’t taking a mental toll on me beyond what I immediately recognize. Many people who’ve known me have heard me say how I feel like I drop off the face of the Earth for someone else unless I’m directly in their line of sight. That’s never been more real now, feeling tucked away like stored human surplus that society has found a way to manage without.

6. I also feel a sense of wasted time, which is probably a reflexive response since I’m always so ready to be self-critical. I haven’t baked any bread or learned any new languages online. I haven’t read a fraction of the books I could have, or caught up on classic movies or developed a yoga routine or painted any rooms or learned the ukulele. But then I remember the time I put into revising a new book, and how difficult that was, and I’m quite proud of the accomplishment. I feel this one could be my best shot at publication, at least as far as middle grade goes. I still think it’s a weird story, but it’s thought-provoking, it’s original, it’s fairly well-written (if I’m allowed to think that about my own story), and I’m anxious for more people in the world to know about it, even if in the immediate that only amounts to a handful.

7. If I were to go back to school and earn another degree, just to pursue an interest, I think I’d study sociology. Because of that, I’ve often wondered exactly what the tipping point was for America, when we went from agreeing to shelter in place and behave in ways meant to preserve the greater good, then shifted over to so much more of a “Well, I’m not sick/This is a free country, don’t take away my rights” ethos. The idea of “we’re all in this together” that was so prevalent back in the spring has worn away to nothing but a faded platitude. I fear that perspective, as well as the reactions to it, will make it much harder for our society to recover and reunite. I’m afraid things will continue to get worse before we see any significant social healing.

8. How much longer is this going to go on? The vaccine is here. When will I be able to get it? When will the rest of my family be eligible? Which one will it be? What will be the circumstances of its availability? Everything about this is still new; there’s no way to see past the next turn in the road when no one has ever traveled the road before. 

9. Do I really want life to go back to what it was before once the world comes back together? Honestly, not in every way. I’m not sure if this is a reaction to the beginning of a new year, but I feel like the pandemic is still going to be around long enough to use this as a transformational time. How could I take steps, even tentative ones, that would develop over time to replace the things in my life I’m dissatisfied about? How much of that thinking is my own motivation, or coming from subtle pressures of what society has to say about what I should be, or what other people in my life expect of me? God knows how many years I have left. Ten? Twenty? Twenty-five? Six? There’s no telling. What do I want that time to be like? What would make it the best, the happiest, version of a life I could build around myself? Has there ever been a more appropriate time for that kind of self-examination? I keep falling back to the idea of where my priorities should be, and why (or if) the things I've held as important are necessarily things that should even be considered priorities. 

10. Like I said, I rarely start the year with optimism. However, there’s always that flicker of hope that refuses to die. We all have dreams and aspirations. We all have anxieties we’d like to banish from our lives. Could 2021 be the year when things drift to the positive, and things will go our way? Will we be gifted with small pieces of individual balance to reward us for what we’ve endured? 

I suppose we’ll start to discover that in a few more days. 

Why Do We Live Here?

Today is the second April snow day I've had off in the past two years. On one hand, this is a huge problem, especially the way things have gone this year: It marks the 7th day my district has had off due to extreme weather this winter, which pushes instructional pacing back by over a week. Not a great thing when state testing begins in three school days. However, I'll openly admit that I'm willing to endure another week of pseudo-winter if it means getting a random day off from work, especially if it means getting a day to breathe and relax during what is traditionally one of the most stressful months of the academic year. 

Having a major snowstorm in the middle of April does seem out of place, though. It often begs the question: WHY DO WE LIVE HERE? When the weather can turn on a dime and usually in the worst of all possible ways here, what is it about living in Minnesota that is so great it makes the climatic disorder of our region endurable? Come on, people! Let's think positive! There are many things!!

(1) SNOW DAYS
Speaking as a teacher, there are few feelings as welcome as discovering you have a surprise day off. It's like waking to an extra Christmas morning without any of the subsequent depression.

(2) CABINS
What could be better than giving yourself a duplicate set of housework chores for a place where you might spend 19 out of your 365 days each year?

(3) THE MALL OF AMERICA
It really is a fascinating wonder of a landmark, and not just a black hole of a tourist attraction where locals bring the out of town visitors they secretly wish had just stayed home.

(4) HOCKEY
Our sport. Our birthright. Not an athletic cult. Nope. Not at all.

(5) CHANGING SEASONS
We have winter, when the world extracts its revenge on humanity for all of the climate change. We have spring, also known as the three weeks between the final snowstorm and the first of the 85º temperatures. Then there's summer, the time of year when the whole world is either crispy from drought or defined by nightly storm warnings. Wrapping it up is everyone's favorite, autumn, when we witness the world slowly dying off, although there’s probably going to be a nice weekend when you can see fall colors while you pay to have your kids wander aimlessly through a field of corn which you can only hope has been cut to form a maze with an actual solution so you'll see them again someday.

(6) SPORTS TEAMS
Our teams rule! Yeah! Go teams! If you take all of our local pro teams, we've had FOUR CHAMPIONSHIP SEASONS in the past ten years! Of course, all four of them came from our WNBA team The Lynx, which far too many sports fans here treat as an afterthought. But hey! They count!

(7) MINNESOTA NICE
More like Minnesota introverted passive-aggression.

(8) THE OUTDOORS
What better place to be than where all of the sunshine, mosquitoes, and ticks can be found? Because none of those have ever been associated with life-threatening diseases. 

(9) WONDERFULLY MAINTAINED ROADWAYS
You know they have to be in great shape if they're being worked on starting the first day each year the highway department thinks they can safely begin working, and work continues until two weeks after the first major snowfall settles in. To say nothing of the expediency involved in repairing spring potholes, none of which ever get so big or deep that they'd have their own tides when filled with snowmelt.

(10) SAFETY
Let's face it. We're pretty close to the center of the continent. In another twenty years, we'll be one of the few remaining regions that isn't underwater.

Day 16: My Sporadic Failures at Offensive Manliness

I saw a stupid clickbait article tonight called something like “16 Things Guys Need to Stop Doing Right Now.” Since my self-esteem isn’t fragile enough already, I decided to give it a look and find out how I’ve been offending the rest of society without even realizing it, and in how many different ways I’ve been doing this. It’s all in good fun, right? Wheeee! Here are the items on the list, and how I measured up, or not. 

1 - HUMBLEBRAGGING ABOUT WORKOUTS.
First of all, I think everyone needs to stop using the word “humblebragging” immediately. Secondly, hah. My workouts these days aren’t much more than long walks, depending on how you define long. I’m safe on this one.

2 - TAKING PICTURES WITH THE BEARD LOOK.
I wasn’t even aware The Beard Look was a thing. From what the article says, it’s a facial expression some dudes use in selfies because they think it enhances the awesome of their beard. I am not big on selfies so I feel I get a pass on this one, plus my beard is usually kind of a progressively graying mess that I only keep because I recently shaved it off and discovered that, after having it for ten years, my bare chin makes me look and feel uncomfortably prepubescent. Since the only “looks” I give during pictures are either (a) making a face to cover how badly I expect my normal expression to photograph, (b) smiling sarcastically, which often ends up looking genuine since even my facial sarcasm is finely tuned, or (c) a dead-eyed moment of discomfort frozen in time since I can’t use one of my other go-to poses in that situation. Never do I give my beard a second thought when getting a picture taken. Two for two. 

3 - POSTING ON SOCIAL MEDIA ABOUT EXTREMELY MINOR HOME REPAIRS
I don’t I post much about home repairs because I usually am not the person making them. I might show pictures of something that I paid someone else to do because I have no faith in my ability to do anything related to home improvements correctly, and I'm just so happy to have a stressful problem solved. If I have to do something as minor as change smoke alarm batteries, I feel like several bullets were dodged in the process if the roof didn’t fall in. 

4 - WEARING MUSCLE SHIRTS IN PUBLIC
Honestly, I thought they only made these for little boys now. I’m sure I haven’t owned or worn anything like this since perhaps junior high.  

5 - REFUSING TO LET ANYONE ELSE TOUCH YOUR GRILL
The only grill I own gets plugged into the kitchen counter outlet and has George Foreman’s signature printed on it. If anyone ever wanted to use it, I sure wouldn’t stand in their way.

6 - FLASHING CASH
Seriously? And bait some hoodlum into stealing my wallet? No thank you.

7 - CATCALLING
This is almost funny. I am WAY to tentative about approaching women I’m legitimately interested in, so I can’t imagine just yelling something out at a random woman crossing my path. What’s the end goal for something like this? I don’t get it. Plus I live my life at least trying not to be a giant a-hole. 

8 - BRAGGING ABOUT COMPLETING MINOR PARENTAL DUTIES
Exemption. The only thing related to parenting you’d ever hear me brag about is not being one.

9 - WEARING ATHLETIC SHOES TO WORK
….okay, fine. Guilty. But I have to walk a lot. And through a lot of nasty stuff on the floor. To say nothing of having to supervise recess more days than not. And my feet are almost 50 years old and don’t feel like being jammed into something uncomfortable and stylish. Plus at this point if I tried to wear anything other than athletic shoes at school, several people from a wide range of age groups would make fun of me for the attempt.

10 - ASKING WOMEN IF THEY’RE “UPSET”
I see dozens of women at work each day. I never have to ask if they’re upset because we’re all teachers, and upset is kind of our default state. 

11 - WEARING FEDORAS
Not a once. I mean, can you imagine?

12 - PERFORMING IRONIC ACOUSTIC COVERS OF RAP SONGS
I don’t know any rap song well enough to invest the time it would take to do this. And what kind of hipster doofus uses anything to do with the music someone else loves to create an ironic moment only they and their other hipster doofus friends will enjoy? Come on, everyone. Let’s just think positive and put the music snobbery aside.

13 - DRINKING PROTEIN POWDER
I remember being on a kick of going through a lot of those Carnation Instant Breakfast drinks one spring many years ago. Does that count? Otherwise, I’d so much rather get my protein from far more delicious options. 

14 - POST PHOTOS WITH CRYPTIC, PSEUDO-INSPIRATIONAL HASHTAGS
I’ll admit that sometimes my photo captions might be a little cryptic, but that’s only because I’d rather try to evoke a feeling and share that than say something like “Great time at the beach with the fam!” I don’t do pseudo-inspirational, or even purely inspirational, hashtags, though. 

*15 - ONE-UPPING
I don’t think I do this, but I often worry that I do. I don’t think I’m much of a braggart; in fact, if anything I tend to go the other direction since my sense of humor is often self-deprecating. But you know how when you’re trying to participate in a conversation and you find a connection to whatever the topic is, and you bring that up? I’m not very comfortable with that. I imagine doing that too often would make people think I’m always trying to steer the conversation to be about me. Which is hardly ever the case. 

*16 - ONE-UPPING, THAN WALKING IT BACK.
I do this exact thing SO MUCH LESS than other guys….

Day 9: Pointless Observations - Air Travel Version

I don't mind the travel days when I'm going somewhere. Even if I have layovers along the way, I look at them as just part of the overall experience. I recently had two travel days and decided to keep track of the things I observed along the way: 

*I'm thinking about how 5-minute friends are such a big part of travel. I just made my first in the security line, by handing a guy his boarding pass when he left it on the table and walked away.

*I'm at the gate plenty early. There's hardly anyone else here. So why did that woman just sit RIGHT BEHIND ME and start arguing with someone on her phone?

*I lose track of time when traveling; days of the week, times, it all stops mattering. It's all about how many days are left and how many sleeps remain.

*A big hairy tattooed biker dude on the other side of the gate just tore the plastic cover off of a magazine, with his teeth, and is now holding up the centerfold to make sure everyone else waiting for the plane has a good look.

*Once you get up in the air, it's a much different perspective to look down at the clouds than up. You see the layers. That always blows my mind a little.

*I packed four books but just bought a new one at the airport, just to have a book that isn't anything more than a vacation read. It was ultimately a good decision.

*This flight attendant is smacking her gum like she's trying to qualify for the gum-smacking Olympics.

*I tried listening to some music, but with a jet engine basically in my ear I can only put on albums that I know really well. If I can't hear all the nuances of the song, my brain needs to know it well enough to fill in the blanks.

*A girl about 20 years old just sat in the terminal beside me, carrying her purse and an iced coffee. I just realized that I've never been to a Starbucks in all of my Seattle visits. I don't know if that's a travesty or I should be proud.

*I feel like a combination of James Bond and Mr. Science Fiction Adventure Guy every time I use my phone as a boarding pass.

*Just from watching everyone as they walk by my seat while getting on the plane, I know exactly which four wannabe alpha male passengers would assume they'd be in charge of the group of survivors.

*Oh man, this tiny bag of Veggie Wheat Thin Chips the flight attendant just gave me might be the most delicious thing I've eaten in a month. Or maybe I just haven't really eaten anything so far today.

*The terminal at the Denver airport is so full right now. People are trying to jostle past each other and navigate around all the others sitting on the floor waiting at their gates because there aren't any available chairs. This place looks like a bunch of soon-to-be refugees trying to get out of a city where some kind of natural disaster just took place. 

*There are few things as welcoming at the end of the trip as the sight of all the lakes on the ground when the plane begins its final approach into Minneapolis.

Day 7: A Manner of Writing Intervention

This topic is a bit self-indulgent, but so is writing blog posts for a month and assuming there's an audience for it. So with that in mind:

In one of the books I'm reading now, there's a scene where a young writer is having dinner with a group of more experienced writers. She has been moping about her struggles to start a new novel, so they decide to ambush her, in a friendly way, with a writing intervention. They pool their resources and try to help her come up with a new idea to work with. 

My experience as a writer has been mostly autonomous over the decades. It's probably been since college that I've had any kind of active writing community around me, which is fine; anything about this I've learned to do is because of that mostly solitary direction. I've always had a small circle of early readers, and more people have seen my manuscripts as I've slowly learned to have more faith in my capability.

Reading that scene made me wonder, though. What would it be like to have others feeding me ideas? I'm not in any idea drought myself. My dilemma is quite the opposite: I have a manuscript to revise this summer, but I'd also like to start playing with a new one. I just don't know which new idea to go after.

So I thought I'd try this: Since anyone reading this is likely to be at least semi-familiar with what I've done, what do you think I should try next? I figure this is like going to hear a band, and when they ask the crowd for requests, they might play a song similar to what gets shouted out but may not play it for a year or so. No limits or qualifications here; I have six potential projects on deck which are very different from each other. Some are for kids, some are not, some are genres I've worked in, some I've never tried. (For the record, none are about tacos.)

Any thoughts out there?

Day 5: Summer Movies 2018

I have entire seasons of three different shows saved on my DVR. I have two seasons of The West Wing left before I complete my 2018 re-watch. There are at least 10 different series on Netflix that I’m interested in watching. Hooray for Netflix! I could not be more happy about all of this television back up, because the summer movie crop this year does not look promising.

Usually in my May posts, I include one when I preview the upcoming summer movies and make predictions about the ones I’ll want to see based on the lists published all over the place this time of year. This year I had to stretch to get to nine. (*Note: I’m not including “Avengers: Infinity War” here because it came out in late April. I’ll be surprised if any of the movies on this list live up to it, though.)

Here we go with the tepid:

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom — It’ll probably at least be entertaining in a science-fiction action kind of way. I’d love to have higher hopes for this. Maybe it’ll come through.

Solo: A Star Wars Story — It’s Star Wars so I’ll go, but the previews haven’t really captured my interest. Maybe, hopefully, I’ll be surprised.

Deadpool 2 - Again, I’m sure it will be entertaining, but this really feels like the kind of sequel that gets made because the first movie was such a successful surprise that the studio thinks tries to give the audience what it wants, but only more of it. 

Incredibles 2 - The Incredibles was a great movie. Pixar rarely misfires. I have very high hopes for this.

Action Point - I recently worked my way through a slightly depressive patch of anxiety by watching and re-watching the Jackass movies, of all things. This movie stars Johnny Knoxville and is supposed to be about a theme park with so few safety guidelines it’s like if Jackass had its own theme park. There’s no possible way this can be any good, and I absolutely have to see it.

Tag - I’m looking forward to this. It’s about a group of friends who have been playing the same game of tag from childhood into at least middle age. For someone caught between watching games of tag at recess and spending much of my summer with cousins who look for any chance to start up a competitive game, there are too many ways to relate to this.

Ant-Man and The Wasp - Marvel. Of course it will be good. Plus maybe it will have a few hints about what happens after the Infinity War. 

Mission Impossible: Fallout - Tom Cruise usually makes good movies, and this series has a pretty good track record. 

Skyscraper - I can’t tell if this looks more like The Towering Inferno or Die Hard, but it has Dwayne Johnson on it, so it will probably be at least a way to fill a slow summer afternoon. 

So, in summary, like I said before: Hooray for Netflix.

Day 4: Why Return of the King Needed So Many Endings

One of my favorite movies, and quite possibly my favorite, is “Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.” It’s either three or four hours long, depending on which version you watch. I’m confident that I’ve spent at least a week of my life watching it. Everything about it is extraordinary. 

Back when it first came out, there was a bit of a controversy surrounding it, at least in the nerd circles who would have cared enough about such things to form strong opinions. The thing that so many people complained about was how the movie seemed to have so many endings, and dragged on longer than necessary once the story seemed to have been resolved. 

I disagree with this thesis completely. After all, the ending of Return of the King wasn’t just the ending of one movie, but it was the resolution of one of the most epic trilogies ever filmed. I was thinking about watching the appropriate disc from my special edition set and reviewing all of the endings before I wrote this, then realized there was no need. I’m not going to hold back on describing anything that happens in the ending(s) here, because seriously, the movie has been out for something like fourteen years. If you haven’t seen it yet and you’re worried about spoilers, it’s your own fault. 

Ending #1: Frodo Healing in Bed
The Eagles have rescued Frodo and Sam from Mount Doom and brought them to Rivendell for a well-earned rest. While Frodo is healing from his near-death experience and recovering (as much as he ever will) from the realization that in the end the Ring had finally taken him, he experiences a joyous moment in which the surviving members of the Fellowship are reunited for the first time since the end of the first movie. It’s also the first time Frodo becomes aware that Gandalf was alive and well. 

WHY IT’S NECESSARY: The Fellowship had been scattered across Middle Earth on many adventures over the past two movies. They absolutely need to have a reunion to celebrate the success of their quest, and we need to emotionally experience it with them.

Ending #2: Aragorn Becomes The King of Gondor
Aragorn had denied his true self for most of his life, and only accepted the responsibilities of the crown when the fate of Middle Earth hung in the balance and needed him to lead. After reuniting with his true love, the couple approaches the four hobbits, who try to humbly bow before him, now the king, before he stops them and says, “My friends — you bow to no one.” He immediately kneels before them, as does every other coronation guest. 

WHY IT’S NECESSARY: This scene closes the story arc for many characters, including several who were not official members of the original Fellowship but have become increasingly important throughout the story. I’ve always liked how the reactions of the hobbits to the adulation of the crowd reflects the character of each: Pippin is a little too satisfied with the attention he’s receiving, Merry enjoys it but doesn’t want to look like he enjoys it too much, Sam is all kinds of uncomfortable, and Frodo is unaffected, still knowing that even though the quest was a success, he had failed at the very end. 

Ending #3: Back to the Shire
The top priority for the hobbits throughout the movie was to protect their home, The Shire. We needed to see them return triumphantly, and receive next to no acknowledgement for what they had accomplished. When the four of them sit in a bar and share a slightly melancholy toast as another hobbit is showing off a prize pumpkin, it’s a scene that shows the bond shared by the four that no one else in their home will ever understand or know about, and at the same time demonstrates the simple and bucolic life they fought so desperately to save. We also get to see Sam follow through on what he thought were his dying thoughts, about how he should have pursued Rosie while he had the chance. We see the two of them marry, then through a time jump we see Frodo nearly finish Bilbo’s newly-amended manuscript, adding the story of his own adventures alongside his uncle’s. 

WHY IT’S NECESSARY: Because we have to see the hobbits back in the Shire. One of my personal curiosities about stories has always been what happens to the characters once the adventure is done and they try to return to ordinary life. I loved seeing so much detail about what the hobbits did afterward. I would have been left unfulfilled if I hadn’t seen them go back home. 

Ending #4: Into the West
Gandalf and the four hobbits, decked out in their Fellowship cloaks, escort a visibly aged Bilbo to a docked ship where the elves wait to bring him along as they depart Middle Earth. Once he boards the ship, we learn Gandalf is accompanying them as well, as is Frodo, who had not told any of his friends this news. 

WHY IT’S NECESSARY: We see one last example of how Frodo’s encounter with the ring has left him forever changed as he and Bilbo talk about the ring on the way to the ship. Bilbo muses about wishing he could see it one last time, and Frodo’s expression when he tells his uncle that he lost the ring leaves him looking absolutely haunted. We discover how deep his pain runs in the final moments when he tells Sam they had set out to save The Shire, but it hadn’t been saved for him. After heartbreaking goodbyes between the four friends, Frodo boards the ship, turns back and smiles, showing the audience there remains hope that our hero still might find a way to happiness someday. 

Ending #5: Sam Goes Home
Okay, I’ll admit this moment felt a little tacked on. Sam gets home, and we learn he and Rosie have some babies. He announces he’s back and the family all walks inside. 

WHY IT’S NECESSARY: Maybe the movie could have left this out and been two minutes shorter, but after everything we had seen Sam go through, it was nice to see him end his story happily.

Day 2: Celebration Overkill

A friend of mine retires from teaching in a few weeks. She’s not one big on ceremony, and has asked that instead of our school holding its standard nod toward a retirement party that we only have a cake in the staff lounge. I appreciate where she’s coming from on this, because I wouldn’t be comfortable as the center of attention in a big celebration. When it’s my turn to retire in another eighty-five or so years, I hope I’ll be able to duck out with minimal fanfare as well. 

Some of us got to talking about retirement yesterday, and how retirement parties are generally given much less acknowledgement now than even fifteen or twenty years ago. A retirement is no small thing, after all. It’s the closing of a career. 

The more we all talked about it, we realized almost every half-special event in this post-millennial social network driven culture we’re all trying to navigate seems to have some kind of manufactured celebration tied to it. It’s possible that because of this the idea of a what makes an event special has been diluted by so many other over-the-top celebrations, and people might be burned out on them by the time they reach retirement age.

For example: A generation or two back, if you wanted to go to prom with someone, you found maybe the nerve to ask, they said yes or no, and boom, the deal was done. Now, and I apologize in advance for using this abomination of a word, promposal (and thank you, spellcheck, for rightfully trying to correct my use of that word) videos go viral with frightening regularity. Also, when did going to prom become about a photo shoot with twenty couples posing at some completely arbitrary location, like a park or a grain mill to create atmosphere that has nothing to do with prom? When Peter Parker picked up his date in “Spider-Man: Homecoming,” he awkwardly gave her a corsage, her mom took a picture or two, and her dad drove them to the dance. Why does it need to be more than this? (Granted, Peter was going to homecoming instead of prom, and half an hour later he was fighting his date’s father from the outside of an invisible cargo jet 20,000 feet in the air, but I feel my point here still stands.)

Another example: I remember the excitement when my sister and her husband were expecting and learned they were having boys, but I know they sure as hell didn’t go through all the pomp and faux ceremony of sharing that moment while sixty of their closest friends watched them cut into a mystery cake with either pink or blue inside, or popping a balloon to see what color of confetti was in it. Aren’t baby showers enough?

Don’t get me started on weddings. Back when I was young enough to be curious about seeing how many people I went to high school with were getting married, the engagement photo was basically a standard graduation-style head shot with two people instead of one. It showed up in the local newspaper and was never seen or heard from again because it had served its purpose. I can’t remember exactly when “Save the Date” cards became a thing, but I remember the first time I received one and thinking it was kind of bossy. Why exactly do these things and the engagement announcement portfolios that inevitably follow, require separate and extensive photo sessions? And when the actual wedding day arrives, why does the entire wedding party need to dance their way into the dinner with each couple getting their own entrance music, like they’re coming up to bat in major league baseball? Note to the future brides and grooms of the world: If you have your wedding party make dramatic musical entrances like that in the name of fun, you’re pretty much tipping your hats about the flash mob coming up during either the first or second song the D.J. plays. We’ve all seen it enough to know it’s coming.

I understand wanting to celebrate. I’m really not against it, even if I’ve leaned into a slightly-exaggerated version of a cranky old man voice here. But there’s celebrating to acknowledge an event and to enjoy the company of the people important to you, and there’s just taking the whole thing too far. Remember that whatever kind of party you’re throwing, it isn’t being entered into any kind of contest to be the best one ever, despite what Instagram wants you to believe. Just enjoy the moment and take it in for what it’s worth. Please. Because the first time I see an internet photo album that shows a couple at a cake tasting event deciding what flavor of cake their baby will smear and smash all over themselves during their first birthday party? I’m moving off the grid.

A Year in the Life in a Weekend

I first became aware of “Gilmore Girls” when it was on ABC Family in reruns. One of the TVs in front of the treadmills and ellipticals at the Y was always set to that network, so when my only other summertime midmorning choices were usually Fox News or one of the innumerable sports channels in the cable package, my blank treadmill stare was usually drawn to the one with Lauren Graham. Because, not hard to look at. 

After weeks of trying to decipher the closed captioning with sweat in my eyes, I watched few episodes at home so I could also hear what was going on, and quickly discovered how incredibly well-written the show was. Soon after that I started it from the beginning, two Netflix DVDs at a time. I got through most of it before school started again, which usually signals a significant downgrade of my Netflix usage. I’d read online that the last season or two fell apart a little since the writers and show runners that had been responsible for the rapid fire, reference heavy dialogue weren’t involved anymore. There are few things in TV sadder than watching a once great show try to keep going without the voice that made it great (I point you to season 5 of The West Wing as example A). Ultimately I was okay with not seeing the decline.

When Netflix put together what amounted to four short Gilmore Girls movies and released them all at once last year, I knew I’d get around to watching them. However, other circumstances and an already backed-up queue meant it would take awhile. I was recently reminded these new episodes existed, and, being summer again, this seemed a perfect time to watch my way through them; what else am I going to do with all of this free time if not watch them and take notes on my reactions?

The following contains many, but not all, of the spoilers. Be warned.

WINTER
*I always forget that Yondu’s ravager sidekick from the “Guardians of the Galaxy” movies played Kirk on this show.
*Stars Hollow looks full-on snow globe, with all the lights and, of course, the troubadour, and everything on the streets and in the house is perfectly decorated. 
*The dialogue is back, still rapid fire and soaked in pop culture references. It’s hard to tell if it works because the writing is so solid or because they found actors who can talk that fast and still make everything sound coherent. It sure would be nice to have people around you in life who would instantly understand your references and be able to build on them so quickly.
*Whoa! Did Lorelei just take a shot a Marvel movies?! Good thing Kirk wasn’t in the room.
*Rory’s boyfriend, Paul the Nice Guy, is everyone’s afterthought. I understand that poor bastard all too well.
*Kirk offering Lorelei water and than awkwardly handing her a partially filled Britta pitcher had me laughing until there were tears in my eyes.
*This is how Paris ended up? No. Not buying it. Seems like a too convenient way to give the actress a part and wedge the character into the story line.
*Sebastian Bach! I forgot he was in this! The band starts playing. Paris looks on with interest. Lane plays her drums, but, speaking as a drummer, she is absolutely NOT playing them. It bugs the hell out of my when TV shows do that.
*Emily’s mission to declutter her house reminds me of how many things I still want to get done this summer and haven’t even started. 
*The episode closes with a Dolly Parton song. I would imagine someone I know at least let loose with a tiny squeal of joy the first time she heard that.

SPRING
*I must have missed a detail somewhere in the copious dialogue of Winter, because even though I know Rory is biographering for some British woman, but I don’t remember exactly who she is and why she is biography-worthy.
*Oh, wow. I just realized these Stars Hollow town meetings might have been the inspiration for the town meetings that take place in my new manuscript. 
*Good line: “How do you accidentally join a vegetable cult?”
*Kirk shows up on stage for movie night in an Eraserhead wig, and I love it. I enjoy his character so much more now that he’s a Guardian of the Galaxy. He prohibits the crowd from bringing outside food to the movie, and right away some dude pulls out an entire chocolate cake. Awesome.
*Kirk’s short film was shot on actual film? The pig gets hit by a car and right away there’s some sad piano piece playing in the soundtrack. I recognize it because I’m pretty sure my older sister had the sheet music for it when we were kids and played it a lot, but for the life of my I can’t remember what it’s called.
*In the Dragonfly kitchen, and Rachel Ray is doing the cooking. Interesting cameo considering the context, but man, is she not an actress. You can see her visualizing the script to remember what her next line is supposed to be, much in the same way young Britney Spears pretended to be a dancer by struggling to stay one step ahead of her choreography.
*Richard leaves Luke some money to franchise his diner. Perfect characterization for him to be so generous, but with the condition that the gift has to be used in a way that would align with his own priorities instead of what Luke might want.
*And we’re back and Chilton for some alumni thing. A teacher sees Paris coming down the hall and quickly turns to run and hide. I totally get that guy.
*Oh, right. Tristan. That guy. At least he didn’t talk. I don’t remember if Peggy ever punched him in the head when he was a character on “Agent Carter,” but it seems like the kind of thing she would have done and something he would have deserved.
*The headmaster wants Rory to come back and teach? Sure. Because that’s how easy it is to get a teaching job — you talk to a class for five minutes, then someone says they have a spot reserved for you. At least the writers had the common sense to figure a prep school like Chilton would require their faculty members to have a Masters.
*Now Rory is interviewing with GQ, I think? All this talk about writing and her voice and so on…it’s a little overwhelming. Is that what people sound like when they talk about writing and writers when they’re doing it for a living? It makes me feel a little like a camp counselor sitting around a campfire or in the section of the library surrounded by decades-old stuffed animals, telling stories to little kids. My insecurity trigger, I guess. What are you gonna do….
*I’ve noticed several Netflix shows have moments that feel inserted only to fill for time. Rory interviewing all these people about why they wait in lines feels that way, and doesn’t really pay off to much except the part of her ending up sleeping with a Wookie. Good joke there, but they seem to really be playing up the whole “Rory in her early 30s and still hasn’t figured out her life yet.” 
*There, with eight minutes left in the episode, Paul the Afterthought is finally mentioned. Even the writers forgot about him.
*After her website interview is a complete crash and burn, Rory ends up twisting her burner phone in half and throwing it away, like most of the characters on “Breaking Bad” did at one time or another. I still want to try doing that someday, just to see what it feels like.

I’m halfway done. This show is exhausting to watch without commercials. 

SUMMER
*It starts with the two of them sitting by the pool, entertaining each other by complaining about everything to do with the pool and everyone there. Why did they even go?
*At least nineteen people comment on Rory being “back,” which she firmly denies is the case. Own it, girl. 
*I really feel for Luke, having to watch all of these obscure movies and TV shows. He seems like a guy who’d be happier with some Doritos and a Transformers movie.
*Okay, three seasons in and I can’t get behind this Rory/Logan thing. THEY ARE BOTH CHEATING ON SOMEONE. Granted, neither of them is married, but still. There’s a dishonesty and selfishness thing happening here. Doesn’t put either of them in a great light, objectively. If they want to be together, they should just break it off with the others.
*Gypsy says “sweat like pigs” and Kirk’s pig runs down the aisle. Beautiful.
*Taylor wants to put on a show! His idea of community spirit: If you agree with what I want to and the way I want to do it, then you have community spirit. Too close to the truth for a lot of community movers and shakers.
*The Thirty Something Gang? How is Rory too good for this? I wouldn’t mind having a group of friends my age absent of commitments to hang out with.
*Michel is leaving? That’s sad. Even the sight gags that come with the secret bar don’t change that.
*Of course Rory takes over at the Gazette, and of course it doesn’t quite work out the way she planned. That delivery montage felt like another Netflix filler moment.
*And now, “Stars Hollow” The Musical.” Good Lord. Do I have to watch this whole thing? This scene would work so much better if it just focused on Lorelei going all Tom Servo on the play (I just threw in my own pop-culture reference there; I hope you can keep up). When is this going to end? Why did they drag out the gag of everyone else on the advisory board loving it? This is awful. Who in production thought this was a good idea? I’m never getting those twenty minutes back. I’m keeping this scene in mind after I finish drafting my new manuscript later and start on the serious revisions.
*Although the actress saying “Thanks for the doubts” at the end was a good line. I’m saving that one for use in real life.
*Rory’s at the Gazette, and Jess walks in. “I remember you…punk.” Esther’s got his number. Watching Jess here reminds me a lot of what it’s like to have a student who absolutely drives you nuts and you can’t wait to ship them out at the end of the year, but then you see them again later in life and they’ve grown up a lot and you just feel relief about that.
*“You’re a writer. Ruts are normal.” Y-y-y-y-y-e-p.
*Ray Wise is dating Emily? That would explain why he was there in the background of that scene from the last episode. Respectful of him to wait in the car after driving them all to the cemetery.
*Watching this immediately makes me think of how long it’s been since I’ve visited my sister’s gravesite, so I feel bad about that for a few minutes and have to rewind to see what I missed. Lorelei is not on board with Rory writing a book about them, and they have a weird, out-of-nowhere fight without her really articulating why. This feels manufactured. 
*Then she fights with Luke? Something’s up.
*Now she tells Luke she’s going on walkabout, to clear her head or something. “It’s never or now.” Nice turn of a phrase there. “Never” makes me think of how many times I’m going to re-watch this episode. That play, ugh….

FALL
*I felt pretty confident Lorelei wasn’t going to ever really hike, and they really slapsticked up her backpack incompetence. She did have some good bonding moments with other Wild Ladies though. That was nice. One of the women said, “I hope this hike works. I need a new life so badly.” Been on that “too late for midlife crisis” path enough times myself to know how one hike, real or metaphor, isn’t going to do the trick.
*Of course Lorelei didn’t make it on the path because the characters need to interact with each other for the show to work, but she did get her epiphanal moment. The story she told her mother was very affecting. It made me suspect that during the performance Lauren Graham might have been thinking of her own relationship with Edward Hermann. 
*Jess ripping the wifi out of the diner was one of the best things he ever did.
* Lorelei comes home, Luke gets to recite a speech full of verbal gymnastics, and they decide to get married. It fits perfectly here.
*Emily is up in Nantucket now. Ray Wise can’t stay, and she ships him out the door pretty quickly. What’s up with that?
*Back at the Gilmore mansion, Rory takes a little time to tour and revisit the ghosts of her grandfather. I like that this episode has been so much about him and his absence. A death that central to a family winds up driving a lot of what comes after. Throughout all four seasons, they’ve addressed this very well.
*Points for a good deep-dive reference to Katy Perry wanting to buy the house from the nuns.
*Rory presents Lorelei with what looks like a light manuscript, but turns out to just be the first three chapters. Wait: THAT’S WHAT THREE CHAPTERS LOOKS LIKE? HAS SHE EDITED YET?!?
*Emily’s exit from the DAR was truly excellent. Perfectly constructed, and a great resolution to everything about her character that had come before. Amy Sherman-Palladino is absolutely the better writer of the two showrunners.
*Rory has an unnecessary cameo moment with her father, to mirror the unnecessary cameo moment she later has with Dean.
*Of course Sooki would end up back in the kitchen. Still best friends. Time and distance doesn’t have to change that for people. 
*Seeing Emily happy in her new home with her surrogate family explains why she was so ready to ship off Ray Wise, and downplay that part of her old life. Volunteering at the whale museum was perfect, even if she scared people while doing it.
*The house full of people and animals the night before the wedding felt exactly right. However, regarding competing flash mobs, Frankie Goes to Hollywood was the better choice. Though I stand by my assertion that flash mobs should be excised from society immediately.
*The whole night-before wedding montage was a much better ending to the show, and fit everything that had built to that.
*Paul breaking up with Rory over a text was perfect; even if she wasn’t completely bothered by it, she really deserved it. But her mom was right. It didn’t fit. And things that matter need to fit.
*As for the very, very last moment? Either a perfectly symmetrical ending, or a good cliffhanger. And I have my ideas about that leftover unanswered question....

The K Word

There are days when I swear the only thing I’m going to be remembered for when my teaching career ends is the bunny suit. But just a few days ago, while drafting my new manuscript, I realized there was something else I have an unbreakable association with in the minds of many of my colleagues.

One day, a long time ago, I was picking up my students from the cafeteria after lunch. As they were returning their trays and lining up, one little scandalized tattletale came up to me with a look of earnest distress, telling me how someone else in class had said “the K word.” Of course I had no idea what she meant. I answered with what has become a standard response to such matters over the years: “Thank you for letting me know. I will speak to them about this later.” She walked away, satisfied that justice would be carried out.

Polite society demands that some offensive words are referred to by only a first letter, since using the words themselves has become justifiably unacceptable. I’d like to propose the time has come to add another word, an actual K word, to the list of verbal taboos: 

Kiddo.

Years ago, if not decades by now, while enduring a specifically purgatorial staff development session, the presenter used the word “kiddo” what I would estimate to be approximately once every one hundred seven seconds. I became so preoccupied with waiting to see when it would come up again that I began doing something I hadn’t done since my undergrad days: keeping tally marks in the upper left hand corner of the composition book I was using to take notes. (I rely heavily on notebooks such as these during staff development; either they help me organize and process the important ideas of the day, or, if I’m particularly less than engaged for whatever reason, they’re great for writing down jokes to keep myself amused.) My tallies numbered well into the dozens by the time the session had ended, and I hadn’t even started at the beginning.

Then, sometime later, that word began to spread. Like a pathogen. Maybe it just started catching on or maybe it had always been there, and it just took the frequency of that one particular session to permanently tattoo the frustration on my brain. Either way, it had become impossible to avoid and only grew progressively worse as time went on. You know how health professionals tell us not to use antibacterial soap because doing so actually aids in the development of superviruses? In my school district, “kiddo” has grown to the point of being a verbal supervirus. 

So what’s my problem with this word? What is it about “kiddo” that gets me so riled up?

1) It’s meant to sound endearing, but it’s not. It’s usually intended to be a linguistic compromise for people who want to come across as professionals in a professional setting, but also want to project how they have enough warmth and familiarity regarding children to keep from seeming clinical and distant. 

2) It’s degrading. Maybe only mildly so, but still. Anytime someone calls someone else “kiddo” to their face, they’re sending a message about the relationship they have with that person, and usually the person on the receiving end is either younger or less experienced. You want proof? Ask Siri. Or here, I’ll save you the time and tell you what she says: “NOUN (informal) / used as a friendly or slightly condescending form of address.” Notice how she didn't just stop at "friendly."

3) At least in the educational world that surrounds me, it has devolved into becoming a tag so generic and overused that it has lost all meaning. I’m sure you know what that’s like. If not, pick any word you can think of and repeat it to yourself, out loud, at least thirty times. Listen to yourself say it. Eventually it will start to leave a bad taste in your mouth, and you’ll start thinking things like, “What does this even mean? How did this configuration of letters ever get put together to represent any kind of a concept? Do I sound like a complete moron every time I say this word out loud? I’m starting to think I do.” Don’t believe me? Try it. Here’s a word to experiment with: Soap. Thirty times, out loud, listening closely. See how you feel about it when you’re done.

4) For too many people, it’s become a code word, something akin to teen slang. If someone chooses to refer to any plurality of children as “kiddos” instead of “kids” or “children” or even, dare I say, “students,” they are making a choice to associate themselves with a larger group who does the same thing. They’re using lazy verbal shorthand as a way to communicate they're referring to students in a professional capacity, but are still trying to maintain a dose of warmth and fuzziness in doing so.

I can’t stand the word. I just used it in a manuscript because I wanted to convey something negative about the character who says it. I refuse to watch the movie “Kill Bill Vol. 2” because it’s revealed before the end that the real name of Uma Thurman’s character is Beatrix Kiddo. Whenever I’m sitting in a staff meeting and or any kind of professional development session with people I know and the presenter uses the word, I feel several pairs of eyes looking at me, waiting for my reaction. And even if people are subtle enough about it to not turn and look at me with a big smile and try to catch my eye, I know several of them are internally laughing at my pain. 

So please, everyone. For my sake, and for the sake of whatever goodness and purity there still might be in our society, let’s all agree to put the “K word” behind us.

How to Run a Dunk Tank

After several years of being in charge of the dunk tank on Track and Field Day, I feel I’ve developed enough expertise to pass on some advice about the best way to keep this event running successfully and efficiently. Since Track and Field Day is coming up at the end of this week, it seems like a good time to share some tips.

*Safety first is key. Keep the kids away from the tank so they don’t get pegged by an over-enthusiastic thrower, because there are going to be a good number of those. Also accept that there’s no way the kids will stay out of the mud, or try baiting the dunkee into splashing them, especially if it’s a warm day. Just herd them out of the line of fire.

*Have all the softballs. The more softballs you have in the bucket, the faster things will move. Also have a volunteer who is in shape, and preferably has been training for this day with months of shuttle run practice. They’re going to have a lot of back and forth running and reaching down as a part of their day.

*Protect the mechanics of it all. Always double check to make sure the seat is in a locked position before the dunkee climbs back up, and in the case that a kid has earned any right to hit the target with their hand, make sure they understand they only have to lightly push it instead of try to shove it into an alternate universe.

*Use warm water, so the dunkees won’t have to spend more time than necessary shivering and shaking. In fact, they’ll begin to look forward to their next splashdown after cooling off as they’re perched up on the stool.

*Be sure to get before, during, and after photos to share with the dunkees, or to use for future blackmailing opportunities. Just make sure if you post any of these photos online you let those people tag themselves if they want. They were the ones who made the sacrifice, so they deserve the choice of whether or not their entire social network sees them in one of their less-than-finer moments.

*Accept that even if you are fortunate enough to avoid a turn on the dunking stool yourself, you’ll still get plenty wet by the end of the day. Most of this comes from several dozen collateral splashes, but a lot of it will also come from some of the dunkees climbing down after their turn and immediately wrapping you up in a nice damp embrace. When this happens, and it probably will, it’s best to just smile and play along. After all, at least you weren’t submerged.

*Pick a kid wearing something very memorable and distinct, preferably in very bright colors, to have the first turn. That way you’ll be able to track when the line is almost at an end.

*Have a good team of people who realize the importance of keeping the line constantly moving forward. You will be chasing the clock all day long.

*There will inevitably be some obnoxious kid who misses the target but still feels entitled to charge it and send the dunkee underwater, unearned. This kid absolutely deserves to be kicked out of school for the rest of the academic year and probably the next one as well, and maybe never gets to eat cookies and ice cream again. However, the only thing you can do is to pay close attention and try to head them off at the pass so they don’t waste everyone else’s time.

*Dress for the experience. Wear clothing that will air-dry relatively quickly. Have copious amounts of sunblock available, because you’ll be reapplying it throughout the day. Above all, wear old shoes, the kind that you won’t care if you ever wear again after the end of the day. 

*Never neglect to pay attention to what the thrower is doing. I’ve had a few softballs whiz by inches from my head over the years, and I’m hoping to avoid any of them ever connecting. That kid trying to hit the target is so focused on the possibility of a dunk that they could not care less if anyone is walking between them and the target. Constant vigilance!

*Lastly, don’t forget to have as much fun as you can. Because you are going to be dead tired from the moment you get home that night, and it’s probably going to last the entire weekend.

Cheer For the Minnesota Twins Today

I am totally neutral about baseball. I honestly don’t think I could name more than five players on the current Minnesota Twins roster.

It’s not like I have no understanding of why people enjoy it. I followed the Twins back in 1987 and 1991, the two years they were in, and won, the World Series. I was even at Game 6 in 1987 when Kent Hrbek hit his monstrous grand slam. Sometime between now and then though, my interest faded away. Maybe if I knew who the current players are and was halfway familiar with the ups and downs of the season, I’d care.

To celebrate Memorial Day this year, I decided to take part in that very American activity of watching a baseball game. I’ll be doing it from the comfort of my recliner instead of at the stadium, but I’ll watch the whole thing. I’ll even wear my token Twins hat, and take a nap before the game starts to try and keep the recliner from getting the best of me. Maybe today’s game will be so dramatic and exciting it will be the tipping point that reignites my interest. Isn’t that supposed to be the thing about baseball? You never know what’s going to happen….

*The announcers are telling me that yesterday’s game was unusually long, something like 15 innings and over six hours. That sounds like Purgatory to me.

*I suspect I'm going to see more commercials for pick-up trucks than I will for prescription medication this afternoon.

*Hey what do you know, the Twins are in first place! Woo hoo! I suppose I would have known this if I didn't turn off the news after the weather forecast and looked at the sports section of the newspaper ever.

*The game starts. Ervin Santana is pitching? I think I've heard of him. Apparently he's really good. 

*The people in the stands, even behind home plate, all seem really calm. It occurs to me that baseball fans are more like tennis fans than football fans, sitting politely as the game goes on, engaged in their conversations since there is a fair amount of downtime during a game, then paying attention in short bursts of half-excitement and getting really worked up when something that affects the outcome of the game happens.

*Okay. First Twins batter is Brian Dozier. I've heard of him. I also recognize Joe Mauer, Eddie Rosario, and Byron Buxton. It's possible I even spelled all of their names correctly. I think I said I probably knew about five players, so if you count Ervin Santana, there they are. And it took me about as long to write that as it took for the first three batters to get out. Baseball fans: Am I imagining this, or do the first two innings always seem to go faster than the others?

*It seems like the atmosphere crafted here is meant to be low-key entertainment. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the game everyone! Have a snack! All of the commercials are about the simple pleasures of the good life: dreaming about buying a new truck, hanging out at the lake, having a cell phone that doesn't cost a ton of money. Hey kids, who wants some Dairy Queen? The whole tone seems more about the long season then something you need to focus on at every moment. 162 games? A season stretching from Early April to late October? Things happen very gradually. Plus they use organ music to fire up the crowd instead of "Crazy Train" or "Thunderstruck."

*Dick Bremer just announced he’s more interested in professional baseball in general this year because the Twins are doing well. I think this gives me some excuse for not following them over the past 26 years.

*Top of the 4th and the Astros score. A home run, followed by two guys in the outfield getting mixed up and letting a guy make it to third. Then the guy runs it in on a wild pitch. Houston up 2-0. That's enough in baseball for the game to be over. Of course, it could only take two Twins batters to turn things around and even it out. Maybe that's another part of the appeal: You’re lulled into complacency by the strike outs and the pop flys and the walks, and then HOLY COW something happens out of nowhere.

*Joe Mauer gets on first. Is he the first Twin to get on base? He might be.

*I have to say, I like seeing it when the camera shows guys from opposite teams just chatting and joking while they're waiting for the pitch. I mean, I can’t hear what they’re saying or read their lips so these guys could be fearsome competitors who are absolutely cussing each other out through their smiles, but it just doesn't seem like it. Everything else going on here is so chill, why not expect the players to be fairly decent to each other while being professionals at the same time?

*The commentators are talking about the weather now. Isn't that what you fall back on when you have nothing else to say? That's how chill all of this is. How can this be the same game that so many parents get absolutely fire-breathing insane about when their kids are playing it?

*Has any pitcher in the history of baseball ever gotten someone out when they throw to first to keep the runner from leading off too far?

*They just brought up some quick animation to show how accurate Santana's pitches are, and I involuntarily had the song "Strike Zone" by Loverboy pop into my head.

*All right! One of the guys I've never heard of just got an RBI triple. No outs. Maybe this is where things are going to turn around.

*Or not. Next guy grounded out. He took off his helmet on the way back to the dugout to reveal a haircut almost exactly like one of the boys in my class. It makes me wonder: Do kids copy their hair styles from pro athletes, or is it the other way around?

*Wild pitch! The guy on third steals home! 2-2 with a runner on 2nd and two outs. Brian Dozier puts it just past second base and another run comes in! Then Robbie Grossman comes up. I know this guy's name is Robbie Grossman now because his at-bat took about twenty-five minutes, which was long enough to get me wondering, "How many adults who aren't professional baseball players would ever go by 'Robbie?'" He gets to a full count then hits a double, which is enough to get Brian Dozier home. 4-2 Twins....no, wait, Joe Mauer gets a hit and sends Robbie Grossman home. I stand corrected. 5-2 Twins. Then here comes Miguel Sano. Home run. He brings Joe Mauer home and we're at 7-2. 

*Now they're back in the field, and in no time there are two outs. But then they stay at two outs until the bases are loaded, and then...Holy downpour, Batman! This is an indoor recess amount of rain. It lasts literally minutes, and then the sun comes out in full force. Finally the 3rd out. Do the fifth and sixth innings always take this long?

*Seventh inning. After two long innings, I'm not feeling any momentum anymore. I just glanced at the coffee table and saw the book I started reading a couple days ago. It was tempting to pick it up and just leave the game on in the background.

*Now it's the top of the 8th, and finally something happens, bumping the score up to 8-5. Wait, what? 8? Hmm. Guess I rested my eyes for a moment there. I'm seeing rain ponchos come back out, and I swear I just heard thunder in the background. Here comes the tarp, which will be out just long enough to get wet before they'll have to roll it back up. The camera crew is showing the guy from the Astros who was up to bat throwing a tantrum about the rain delay. Dude, seriously. You've got a lot of games left to play this season. You need to grab the reins and get over your superhero self.

*The game is back on. The camera just caught Paul Molitor blowing two bubble gum bubbles at once. If that was intentional, I'd be impressed.

*Another Astros hit. The ball drops down just out of Eddie Rosario's reach, even though he slid on the wet grass to get there. 9-8 Astros. 

*It’s still the top of the 8th. Bert Blyleven just said this feels like the inning that wouldn't end. The score is 13-8 with two outs and almost three and a half hours of my life invested in this.

*I think I've pieced together why I'm not much of a baseball fan. I've been mentally done with this game for awhile now, but I can't bring myself to stop watching out the same feeling of obligation I have that keeps me from just giving up on a book I’m not really enjoying. (The only time I’ve ever done that was for Tom Clancy’s “Clear and Present Danger.”) l feel as if the past four hours would be wasted if I just changed the channel to see what else might be on. The relaxing tone that seemed so appealing earlier in the game is the same thing that makes it easy for me to not really care anymore.

*It’s now 16-8 in the bottom of the ninth, after the Astros brought in FOURTEEN unanswered runs. I’m kind of hoping the next few Twins hitters are all thinking it might be better to just pretend to try and save their energy for the next game in the series tomorrow night. Two outs. The count is 2-1. They just showed how few fans are still in the stands, and the place looks even more empty than it did during the pre-game show. One more strike, and there it is. Whew. 

*I think if there was some way to guarantee that a baseball game was going to be over in two and a half hours at the most, I’d probably find them more interesting. But four hours? That’s a long time to do anything, much less passively watch something you’re only a little invested in.

Perhaps the biggest irony of this game is that I looked on Facebook about an hour ago and saw photos posted from Target Field that showed my sister, my brother-in-law, and my parents all actually there at this game I’ve been watching.

Clearly whenever they made plans to go, they knew better than to ask if I wanted to come along. I know there will be many games played this summer that will be much more fun to watch than this one was, but I can't help feeling I dodged a tiny bullet by watching from my soft and warm recliner instead of from beneath a cheap plastic rain poncho.