First of all, my sister works in a hospital which makes her one of the front-line workers constantly referred to in the media, so anyone on Facebook reading this should probably leave a comment thanking her for enduring the added stress and responsibility that she and her co-workers are managing during these times.
Anyway. I used to be much more involved with my sister’s family when my nephews were younger. These days, not quite as much. I text with my sister all the time. I get along with my brother-in-law very well, and I always enjoy when I get to spend time with him. But my nephews aren’t little boys anymore, and all have lives of their own. For perspective, the youngest one has spent this spring finishing his freshman year at the University of Minnesota — remotely, or course.
I don’t know how often my nephews are able to all get together. Normally when we have family birthdays or similar events, we try to schedule the celebrations for days when everyone will be available. I get to see them together on these days, and it always makes me feel good to see how easily, as a group, they slip back into a very solid friendship.
Even though I’m not there, and I know the three of them are not all sheltering in place together, I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what it would be like to eavesdrop on their conversations / arguments / joking around if they were. With that in mind, I have put together fifteen very brief dramatic scenes I believe would capture this hypothetical. For the record, I’ve exaggerated much of what they say here, as well as their responses, for comedic effect. Having said that, I think anyone who has had the chance to see the three of them in action, and how much fun they have bantering back and forth, could back me up with how close to the mark many of these scenes are.
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Nephew #3: The Twins aren’t playing baseball this year. It’s your fault because you were so bad at baseball that they all gave up.
Nephew #2: (Deadpan stare) There’s a pandemic going on, idiot. They can't let people into a stadium to watch any games.
Nephew #3: You’re just using that as an excuse. It’s still your fault.
Nephew #2: You’re the worst.
Nephew #3: Not at baseball. That'd be you.
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#2: Do you know why Mom still goes to work?
#3: Because it’s her job.
#2: No. It’s not for money. It’s because she hates you and wants to get out of the house.
#3: Wrong. I am the reason she comes back home.
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#1: Remember that time when we were kids, and you guys put on all of your clothes for padding, and then me and one of my friends shot at you with air rifles from the patio?
#2: (rolls eyes) Yes.
#3: We were stupid.
#1: We should do something like that again today, but with you running from cars.
#2: Cars? What the hell! Why cars?!
#1: Social distancing.
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#2: My eyes are blurring over from all the Netflix. Mom, we need a big TV for my room.
MOM: You believed Tom when he told you TV paint was a real thing. Maybe you should get a can of that and paint up a TV the size of your wall.
#2: TV paint isn’t real. But it should be. It would've been so cool.
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#3: You know I’m a writer for a comedy magazine.
#2: Oh, they had an issue written by people they felt sorry for because they suck?
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#3: I have homework to do.
#2: Watching Game of Thrones again doesn’t count.
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#2: You should go see a movie tonight.
#3: The theater is closed.
#1: It’s not that late. You could probably still get in.
#3: There’s a virus out there. It’s closed, like, closed so they aren’t showing movies. Idiot.
#2: You could still probably get in and then just sit in a dark room by yourself.
#3: Even if I could, why would I ever want to do that?
#1: Who cares? At least you wouldn’t be here anymore.
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#3: Where are my Starbursts?
#2: (thoughtful pause) Maybe I ate them. I can’t say for sure. Or, I could say, but I won’t.
#3: Fine. Remember that answer when you ask me why we’re out of chicken.
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#3: (quietly): Why is Dave just staring at the TV when it’s not even on?
#2: I have no idea, but it’s weird.
(They both walk to the kitchen.)
#2 Mom, why is Dave starting at the blank TV?
MOM: He’s pretending sports still exist.
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(#3 tries to sit down in the living room to watch TV)
#2: You can’t sit there.
#3: Why not? The couch holds three people. You’re only a person.
#2: Social distancing. I don’t make the rules.
#3: (leans over and fake-coughs several times on #2)
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#1: I read that some dogs have been infected with the coronavirus.
#3: Yeah, I read that too.
#1: I think you should probably have Willow and Toby and Riley sleep in your room tonight.
#3: Really. Why?
#1: I think they miss you.
#3: They don’t miss me. I never go anywhere.
#1: I think they would appreciate having some quality time with you.
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(MOM stamps hard on the kitchen floor several times. The basement door creaks open.)
#2: What?
MOM: Tell your brother it’s time for dinner.
#2: He’s been quiet in his room for hours. I think he has coronavirus.
MOM: No he doesn’t. He isn't showing any symptoms.
#2: But he’s the worst.
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#1: Let the dogs out.
#2: I’m not going outside. There’s coronavirus everywhere.
#1: Current findings say that virus particles aren’t freely floating through the air.
#2: You don’t know that, Dr. Science!
#3: Take the dogs out before the poop on the floor!
#2: (Stares) You know they’re going to do that anyway.
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#1: I saw online there’s a new update for Pokémon Go. You should download it.
#3: Why?
#2: There’s a whole bunch of really rare Pokémon all in the same place.
#3: Where?
#1: Some place where there’s a lot of coronavirus. You should go check it out.
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#3: Where’s your mask? You should go put your mask on.
#2: Why? I’m not going anywhere.
#3: But Mom is coming home soon.
#2: What does that have to do with my mask?
#3: She’s probably had a hard day and doesn’t want to be reminded you live here.
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