Years ago a friend of mine at school was in the middle of her third pregnancy. Her first two children were boys. Whenever the possibility was brought up that her third could also be a boy, I would laugh and laugh; since my sister already had three boys, I had a pretty good idea what my friend could be getting into.
I have never lived more than thirty minutes away from my three nephews and am both proud and happy I had the chance to be a part of their lives as they were growing up. Ben, the oldest, has grown into the role of elder statesman, and will likely be the closest thing the three of them will ever have to a voice of reason when they’re together. Matt is the most impulsive of the three; he’s willing to try new things, he’s great at making friends, and since he’s the middle child I’ve always felt an extra layer of protectiveness for him since I know what a raw deal that can be. John is the youngest, the baby of the family even though he’s almost in high school, the one who tries the hardest in school and earns good grades because of it, and won’t let the older two forget this. He’s also usually the instigator. It was often hard to be around him when he was younger since young John was an angry hollering child that hated the whole world and everyone in it, until one day, almost like someone reached into his head and flipped a magical switch, he matured into a introspective, considerate, and sensitive kid.
Later this summer Ben is moving five hours away to live with a friend of his in Wisconsin, and get his life started down a different path. It makes me wonder a little how that will affect the dynamic between them, but I don’t expect it will change much. They’re all close to each other in ways they wouldn’t likely admit, and probably always will be. And since they’re all fast thinkers and are all fans of the same kinds of movies and television shows and was raised by my sister, they each have a cutting and sarcastic sense of humor. Which I think is hilarious. I started writing down some of the more memorable things they say to each other when they get to riffing and put it in the category of “Nephew Wisdom.” The following quotes come from a period of about forty-five minutes following a Mother’s Day brunch the three of them prepared. I don’t know if these quotes will all translate so well when you can’t hear the dry delivery that came with each, but hopefully some of it will still come across.
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Matt: “Nobody likes John.”
Jenny: “I like John.”
Matt: “You have to. You’re his mother.”
Jenny: “I don’t have to. I just like all of you.”
John: “Except Matt.”
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Matt, discussing Hogwarts: “The best classes would have been Transfigurations and Potions.”
Ben, without hesitation: “Transfigurations would have been dumb.”
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John: “Norway is the best country in the world. Australia is second.”
Matt: “But they have big spiders.”
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As they all talk about Matt’s upcoming class trip to Germany, Matt shows Ben a picture on his phone:
Matt: “That’s the hotel where we stay the first two nights.”
John: “Is it secluded? I bet you’re gonna get murdered there. I bet the people who run it are cannibals.”
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Ben and John quiz Matt about his new job at McDonald’s:
Ben: “What will your first totally unnecessary purchase be?”
John: “What will you do if they someone asks for 70 pickles?”
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Ben, sharing a story from his McDonald’s days: “There’s this guy who got a McChicken with cheese, a medium fries, and a 20 piece McNuggets for his break, and ate it all.”
John: “I got that exact same meal once. Minus the McChicken and the fries.”
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John, to Matt: “Why don’t you hang out at McDonald’s like the cool kids?”
Ben: “Do you wish you could be like the cool kids, like the cool kids, like the cool kids?”
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Matt: “That’s bogus.”
John: “You’re bogus.”
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Matt and John, trying to one-up each other in one of the most nerdly ways possible:
John: “Can you even use Excel?”
Matt: “Can you even use Java?”
John: “Can you even use html?”
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John to Matt, out of nowhere: “Why don’t you live in Japan?”
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Matt to John, from the next room: “Stop it, with the hammer! Seriously!”
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My message to anyone with two sons who might be thinking of having a third, or anyone who already has three little boys and is wondering what the future holds as they get older: Strap in. You’ve got a lot of loudness, arguing, and broken stuff ahead of you in the coming years.
But it’s probably going to be really funny at the same time.
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