The Big Five-Oh

“What big five-oh? He’s nowhere near that age.” No. I’m not. This refers to an entirely different fifty.

Since I started working at it back in mid-February, I have now lost 50 pounds.

No diet plans, no surgery. Just a doctor slappin’ me upside the head and following two simple steps: (1) Eat like a dietician. (2) Work out like a bad ass.

For anyone who only first met me in the past fifteen years, I now weigh less than I have at any other time we’ve known each other. I do not exaggerate when I say experiencing this kind of change makes the world a very different place. And since this is the kind of thing that most people haven’t done before -- or have needed to do, for that matter -- I’m going to give you some examples of just how much the world has changed. Here is a list of 50 things that I’ve noticed are different after losing 50 pounds.

1 - Six inches dropped off your waistline.
2 - Your fingers are visibly narrower.
3 - When you tie your shoes, you can actually reach far enough to position the knot where it’s supposed to be, instead of skewed off to the side.
4 - I used to have these permanent indentations in the sides of my head from wearing glasses. I don’t anymore.
5 - You can again fit into the clothes you’ve kept in the bottom of the drawer or the back of the closet. In fact, some of them are too big now.
6 - Your blood pressure drops.
7 - You know that how fat you are isn’t going to be the first and most defining characteristic about you when you meet people for the first time.
8 - When you go to church, you don’t have to sidestep your way into the pews.
9 - Also at church, you can kneel without having to sit at the same time.
10 - You can clasp your hands behind your back.
11 - You can feel your bones -- cheek bones, ribs, knee caps. Name it. It’s actually kind of weird.
12 - You don’t get heartburn anymore because your diet has changed so much.
13 - You sleep a lot better.
14 - You can be on a treadmill and have a conversation at the same time, when before you’d be breathing too hard for this.
15 - You don’t sweat through your clothes from just standing still.
16 - Your natural walking pace is suddenly a lot faster.
17 - The day comes when you realize your wristwatch doesn’t fit anymore.
18 - You can sit in a theater or an arena and not have to worry about the awkward feelings of knowing that you’re spilling over into the seats next to you.
19 - You can jog up three flights of stairs without feeling the slightest bit winded.
20 - Your blood glucose falls to a much more reasonable level.
21 - You hurt less. In whatever way you care to see that statement.
22 - You can see your Adam’s apple.
23 - Your average heart rate drops.
24 - You develop the mindset that being full means you’ve finished a meal, and doesn’t mean you’ve stuffed yourself to the point you don’t even have room left for a Goldfish cracker.
25 - Regular soda pop, and even Gatorade, tastes so over-the-top sweet that you just can’t bear it anymore.
26 - The momentum of losing a lot of weight nearly eliminates the temptation to eat the things you shouldn’t.
27 - Your muscles are always a little bit sore, but in a good way.
28 - It’s easier to get in and out of a car.
29 - You can ride a roller coaster without feeling like the safety bar is going to cut you in half.
30 - You can walk really long distances and not feel even a little bit tired from it.
31 - You’re not overwhelmed with feelings of self-consciousness whenever somebody gets out a camera and starts playfully taking pictures of everyone.
32 - You start buying pants and shorts that have concealed drawstrings instead of concealed elastic waistbands. Because instead of of worrying about whether or not you can get your pants buttoned, you have to worry about keeping them up.
33 - Your laundry smells worse because half of it is made up of workout clothes.
34 - A rumbling stomach doesn’t bother you anymore. In fact, you learn to welcome it as a good sign.
35 - A very small piece of cake gets the job done for you at birthdays.
36 - Your self-confidence balloons. Granted, some of you might think that’s a dangerous thing for me to say. If that’s the case then you really have NO idea where I’ve been living all this time. It’s called a defense mechanism.
37 - You start to see your workout as a welcome break between your professional life and your home life instead of just one more thing you have to do.
38 - One shirt size smaller, and getting closer to dropping another.
39 - If some kind of backyard game starts up, you don’t automatically keep yourself on the sidelines because you’re much more able to keep up with the action.
40 - Your food preferences change. Some cravings disappear, and some things you couldn’t stand before become tolerable.
41 - Climbing on the scale becomes like a video game, since you’re hoping to beat your last score every time you do it.
42 - Your muscles have definition.
43 - It can be a little more uncomfortable to sit for long periods of time, because you’d rather be moving, and because you simply don’t have as much padding as you used to.
44 - You can wear those ‘cause’ rubber band bracelets and they have some give to them; before you could read “Made in China” reverse-imprinted on your skin when you took them off.
45 - You see a lot more veins in your body. I really don’t know if that’s from the weight loss or the weight lifting, but it’s definitely a difference.
46 - You essentially need to replace your entire wardrobe.
47 - Your lower back doesn’t hurt.
48 - You don’t have a rush of anxiety whenever someone makes any kind of “fat” joke. You also don’t want to punch the person who made the joke in the throat. Though you do still feel kind of sorry for them having to walk through life so ignorant.
49 - You get to live your life with much less self-loathing.
50 - You get to live your life with an stunning sense of accomplishment.

Try to imagine how long I’ve been waiting to write this. Seriously.