Last night I saw Big Head Todd and the Monsters perform. Great live band playing with special guest guitarist Ronnie Baker Brooks who lit up the stage every time he played, outdoor amphitheater on a warm evening in late June, over two and a half hours of music. A really enjoyable night. I went with my cousin’s wife who agreed to go on a whim, just looking for a fun night out and came away from the show liking a lot of what she’d heard. On our way home afterward, she commented how interesting the people-watching always is at concerts. I had noticed the same thing for most of the night, and as I thought more about it I realized there are certain types of people I’ve seen at just about every concert I’ve ever attended (and we’re talking about a lot more than two or three of them here). In acknowledgement of the current Internet trend of certain sites like Buzzfeed that make unusually specific and randomly numbered lists, I’ve decided to compile these categories of the concert-goers I’ve encountered over the years:
1 - The Dancing Queen. No matter where you sit in the venue, there is always one girl or woman within sight who gets up and dances like the band is only playing for her. She usually makes a big scene about this so everyone else in her section, especially the unfortunate souls in the row behind her, understand what a good dancer she is (or at least thinks she is after her second or third drink).
2 - Captain Air Guitar. The male counterpart of the Dancing Queen.
3 - Mr. Three Beers. This is the guy you always see carrying three plastic cups filled to the brim in some tight-fingered triangular grip. Somehow he miraculously doesn’t spill a drop, until he gets back to his seat and passes the drinks to his friends, after which wet seats, laughter, and token apologies ensue. Probably even more common at sporting events.
4 - Employer of the Babysitter’s Club. This thirtysomething person, usually but not always female, is very obviously enjoying a rare night out away from the kids. They’re usually dressed a little nicer than the rest of the crowd and accompanied by a large group of friends, and will get up and dance and scream often enough you know they have a lot of stress to unload.
5 & 6 - The Handsy Couple. You know who they are, and you don’t want to look their way during the slower songs.
7 - The Documentarian. This person holds their phone up as often as not, shooting video of what I can only assume are their favorite moments. I’ll admit to having been this guy before, until I realized I had a phone full of concert video that I never, ever watched.
8 - The Flash. This person you usually notice at a distance, because regardless of the number of signs posted saying that flash photography is prohibited, someone always decides that sign isn’t meant for them. A second way of earning this title was demonstrated by a woman at a U2 show several years ago, who, while sitting a number of rows in front of my cousin and me, peeled off her shirt and waved it around like a flag in some kind of drunken display of political theater during “Sunday Bloody Sunday.”
9 - The Perpetual Requester. There are several acts who will entertain requests from the audience during the show. I’ve seen both Bruce Hornsby and Bruce Springsteen collect notes and signs with requests from the audience and go straight into those songs. But it doesn’t happen often. Not everyone in the crowd understands this though, especially the one person who hopes to hear their favorite song and will cup their hands around their mouth and scream the title at least thirty times, regardless of how far they are from the performers and ignoring the monitors everyone on stage has in their ears.
10 - The Frequent Flier. Drinks, bathroom visits, t-shirts, snacks, next round of drinks. This is the person you have to keep leaning back or standing up for during the show because they have so many other important places to be. They always apologize to everyone they pass, which does little to minimize my frustration with them. Seriously people, you paid a lot of money for those seats. Use them.
11 - The One Hit Wonder. You encounter this person on the way out, after the show has ended. Regardless of how long the show was, or how deep into their library of music the performers went, or how effective and moving any unexpected live arrangements were, or how transcendent the overall concert experience was, this person won’t stop talking about how great it was to hear that one big radio song the band is so associated with they’re probably tired of playing it.
I’ll stop at eleven, but as anyone who has been to enough concerts to recognize these people knows, I could go on and on....
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