One of my closest, dearest friends became an uncle for the first time tonight when his sister gave birth to twin boys (Congrats to Jill and Matt, by the way -- and good luck with THAT whole adventure). Anyway, since I'm kind of an expert on Uncleing after my eighteen-point-five years on the job, I thought I should probably share some of my wisdom tonight, to prevent him from making some of the more typical "newbie" mistakes. I know some of these things won't apply right away and maybe not at the same level if you'll have a state or two between you and the fellas, but you never know what the future holds and I feel responsible for preparing you for any possible situation.
(1) Your life is about to have a lot more chicken nuggets in it than it did before.
(2) Christmas? Birthdays? Legos. But maybe hold off until age four, though. And whatever set you get them, make sure it has a few Lego guys in it that aren't already in their collection.
(3) Even if you know you're buying Legos, it's always a great joke to threaten that you're going to get them a Barbie for their gift. At least it's funny until the little turds team up and beat you to the punch.
(4) Just saying the word "poop" is a guaranteed laugh. And get an app for your iPad that makes fart noises. It will be years until they get tired of it.
(5) Stock up on sunblock, just in case you find yourself attending a lot of soccer/football/baseball/whatever games.
(6) Have a pocketful of change at the ready in case you're with them and you find yourself within seventy yards of a vending machine. They know where all of them are instinctively.
(7) When they're in the 2-4 age range and they find something to do they really like doing, like rolling one pool ball back and forth across the table and laughing hysterically? Just go with it.
(8) Don't be surprised by things like when they run around the house wearing cowboy boots, tightie-whities and Krispy Kreme paper hats.
(9) When your sister asks you to feed them, remember she secretly only wants them full. You have all necessary veto power on vegetables.
(10) Watch the little buggers like Secret Service if they are ever near fire or water.
(11) Pay close attention to when they start showing an interest in music (I'm sure you'll notice) so you can swoop in, buy them their first formative CD (or whatever they have in another ten or so years) and take credit for inspiring the musical direction of their life.
(12) Bribes really do work.
(13) At some point one of them will think a plastic bag could make a really good hat or helmet. Be ready for this. And if they burst into tears because they're startled by how quickly you pull it off their head? That only means you've done your job.
(14) Nicknames are a requirement at some point. But you already know this.
(15) Start practicing how to insert plastic straws into juice pouches. NOW.
(16) When they are little guys, you can tuck their arms into their sweatpants and then pull the waistband up to their armpits. This will keep them entertained for at least half an hour while they walk around the house trying to get people to laugh at them.
(17) Two words: Action figures.
(18) You will watch their favorite movies and read their favorite books with them so many times you will dream about them. There's no way around this.
(19) If you ever take them to see a movie in a theater, make sure they go to the bathroom before you leave the house and buy them a huge thing of candy from the concession stand to distract them from noticing they aren't getting the soda they asked for. Unless you want to miss ten minutes in the middle of the movie.
(20) Malls? Parks? Anywhere in public? ALWAYS WALK BEHIND THEM SO YOU KNOW WHERE THEY ARE.
(21) If they show you a YouTube video of their friends careening downhill in stolen shopping carts, try not to act impressed. If anything, discourage such behavior.
(22) They really need a dog at some point. If their parents are resistant about getting one, you should feel free to do the surprise gift thing.
(23) If they cut loose with a massive burp, don't demand an "Excuse me." Instead just say, "So do you feel better now?"
(24) I really wasn't exaggerating about the Legos.
(25) Remember you are NOT an aunt. Revel in the lowered expectations.
