Dear Nephew #1, and #4, and... step-niece?... that sounds right... and any number of cousins about to experience or already experiencing their earliest days and years of college (but mostly Nephew #1):
If I was given the chance to revisit any period in my life, I’d go back to any random month I spent in college. The learning, the newfound independence, the emerging self-definition, the failures and successes, the constantly evolving relationships both long-term and temporary... it’s an exhilarating time. I’m a tiny bit jealous that you’re about to become immersed in all of that.
There’s a cliché about how “if I knew back then what I know now...” meaning there are things people would have done differently with the benefits of age and experience informing their decisions. Of course nobody gets to do this, but today I get to do the next best thing: I get to set out some advice to an eighteen-year-old kid who is frighteningly similar to me. You know this is true; we’ve both seen examples of it and have had it pointed out many times. And I don’t mind that, because if your best characteristics are things people see in me as well, hey, I’ll take it. But I’ve also noticed how sometimes you can reflect a few of my weaknesses, and I’d hate to see those things get in the way of your happiness. I won’t go into the list of what those things are because if you didn’t agree with me you’d find a way to deconstruct my point and turn it around in a reasonably logical way that would be hard to refute (and yeah, that tendency would be high on the list for sure), so instead I’m just going to plow ahead with what could appear to the bystander as little more than general advice about leaving home and going to college. But there will be a few things here that carry added depth. So here we go:
*I know you're psyched to leave high school behind. This is as it should be, and frankly I feel sorry for anyone who looks back at high school as the best part of their life. BUT. It's important to remember that everyone and everything you leave behind, all the positives and negatives of your school and your beloved community, had some part in forming the person you are now and are still becoming.
*The blank slate is a beautiful thing. You'll settle in, meet some new people and spend the first few weeks being whoever you want to be and nobody will care. No history, no baggage, no labels; everything completely neutral and waiting for definition. You'll live in glorious, intoxicating anonymity for awhile, and even after you establish your new circles of friends and acquaintances that's how things will be most of the time. Enjoy it.
*These coming years will be the very last time in your whole life you are almost exclusively surrounded by people your age. Take advantage of that. Soak up college life, whatever that winds up meaning for you. I’m not saying to forcibly embed yourself into every aspect of the campus community, but dip your toes into something new once in awhile. Some of my best memories from that time came from the chances I took, and my biggest regrets had to do with opportunities I let pass by. Do not let hesitation dictate your path. It’s not a path you want to follow.
*The educator in me has to get this out: In high school it was the job of your teachers to teach you. In college it will be your job to learn. If you don’t find a way to do the learning, you can’t blame anyone else for it, and it’s not always going to be a ride around the lake. Professors won’t care about which clubs people were or were not in, who took advanced placement and who had IEPs for extra help, who earned a letter jacket and who didn’t. To some of them you’ll be nothing more than a face in the crowd, a name on an assignment, or a number on a list. Some will recognize and appreciate what you have to offer, but be ready for that to be the exception. It’s just the way the machine works, especially in the first couple of years. (Especially in a BIG school, Hank.)
*When you throw yourself into doing your best and things still don't quite work out, let that be okay. I got a B instead of an A on an English paper once because I argued with the professor about an analogy I refused to change (I was right by the way; it’s not wrong to compare large groups of junior high kids to insects). Try to handle those situations with a little more poise and diplomacy and maturity than I did. You'll make mistakes or things will take a wrong turn of their own accord, or even a combination of the two might happen. Just pick up the pieces and move on, and don't make it bigger than it needs to be. And in the end, remember your GPA will only wind up being one line on the resumé. Yeah, it's important, but it's not everything.
*When you move off-campus, think really hard about the neighborhood you’re choosing. For instance: If you ever get an apartment only blocks away from a meat-packing plant, don’t look out the window when you hear a truck pulling out. Some of those trucks have open tops and you don’t want to see the cargo they’re hauling away. This may seem oddly specific, but I promise it’s worth remembering.
*There will be a temptation to think you’re an adult and believe that you know everything. After all, you’ll live away from home, you get to vote this year and you’re making a lot of independent decisions. Don’t make the mistake of thinking this automatically levels you up to the rank of Responsible Adult. If you feel like you know everything, that’s okay. It’s normal for your age group to think that. And you do know a lot more than most people. But in about ten years when you’re closing in on thirty? You’ll slowly start to realize that you do not, in fact, know half as much about anything as you’ve always thought you did.
*Remember the lessons Davy taught you this summer, but remember that college is not meant to be a four-year Turtle Lake weekend. Part of college is getting as much stupid out of your system as you can before life really starts to count. Remember there is always a line to be drawn for stupid in any situation. If it’s the kind of stupid that leaves you with nothing but some temporary embarrassment after the weekend, that’s not the end of the world. But avoid the kinds of stupid that can abruptly point your life in a direction you don’t want it to follow.
*Get a girlfriend and date her for at least a few months, and when things fall apart make sure she really tears you to ragged shreds. That way you’ll eventually see getting dumped isn’t the end of the world.
*You’re going to be surrounded by a lot of people who have awful taste in music, and yet they’ll feel as passionate about their music as you do about yours. Resist the urge to point out how misguided they are. You’ll only come off like a fifth grade boy dramatically covering his ears and complaining about how much Justin Bieber sucks.
*There is a lot of pizza in your immediate future. Get some exercise. Seriously.
*You might be tempted to blow off your generals. Some might be easier than what you’ve already done in high school, but don’t give in. No matter how easy they are, the grades you get in that first year carry a lot of weight when it comes to establishing a baseline GPA. And you don’t want to find yourself hundredths of a point away from graduating one level of honor higher than you will, and knowing that it would have made all the difference if you’d just gotten a B instead of a C in that one freshman class where you spent half your time playing with the light reflecting from your watch onto the ceiling. That kind of thing can stick with you.
*A lot of the things you’ll wind up hating because they frustrate you so much, whether they are classes or experiences or people, will someday become the things you can dismiss with an eye roll and a laugh. The worst class I had is now one of my more amusing college anecdotes. These trials won’t be fun while they’re happening, but eventually they’ll be reduced to footnotes. Hold that truth in the back of your mind.
*Stay in touch with people. I know, texting and Facebook have changed the world a little since the late 1980s, but one of my best memories from college would be the days I’d walk into the dorm lobby after class, check the mailbox, and find a letter from one of my cousins waiting for me. Mail is always a good thing, even if it’s electronic. Subscribe to a magazine or two, just so you can enjoy that break in the routine when it shows up.
*Text your mother sometimes, just because. (I’d say “call,” but that’s kind of outdated, and we both know getting your mother on the phone is no easy task.)
*If you have a professor tell you there are multiple forms of a test and you’re using a bubble sheet to mark your answers, pay very close attention to which form you have and where you should hand in your answer sheet. That way you can avoid studying really hard the night before and scoring an 11 out of 50 because you put your answers in the wrong *&%@! pile. Which is really a hard pill to swallow when there are only three tests in the term and your grade is based on their average.
*Never walk barefoot in a dorm bathroom. Never, ever. There’s more awful going on in those than even the CDC could categorize.
*Take advantage of this time to discover who you are and to prepare for the life you want to have. Learn to recognize the small events as well as the big ones. Pause and occasionally allow yourself half a thought to appreciate what’s happening to you in the moment, because, believe it or not, these next few years are going to absolutely fly by.
