Fourteen Years and All the Dogs

Let's see if I can remember the whole list....

When we were very young, in the days before and the earliest days of going to school, Erin, Jenny, and I lived in a house filled with corgis. We each had our "own," even though our ages ranged between zero and seven during these years. Jenny had Misty. Mine, for reasons of which I remain unaware, was named Dingo Fritz. Erin's was Barky. Even at such a young age, Erin felt such a bond with the dogs that more than once she would be caught snacking on handfuls of their food. (She was barely old enough to walk though, so we're not taking about large hands.)

We moved a few years later, and sold off all the corgis except Lady, the original. Even though she had been kind of scary when we were little kids because she did not suffer foolishness from any of the other dogs lightly, she became the friendly family dog once the competition for attention had been removed. We had her for a good number of years. 

When Erin was at the upper end of elementary school, our dad brought Arthur home one day. A complete surprise for everyone but him, and suddenly we had a westie puppy exploring our house and settling into our lives. He was our family dog and we all loved him dearly, but Erin, who never in her life met a dog she didn't become friends with, had feelings beyond that. One of my enduring memories of her is how hard she cried the day we moved her up to college, because it had been so hard for her to leave him behind. 

The three of us were adults by the time Arthur's days were finished. Jenny's family had brought in their own gigantic bundle of golden retriever, Molly, and not long after her came Erin's Jack Russell, Milo, who was brought in to the family to immediately fill the hole that Arthur's passing had left behind. About a year after that, I brought my boy Spencer home. The day I picked him up, Erin drove me there so I could hold him in my lap on the drive home and start bonding with him. Erin was also partially responsible for his name: When I told her the short list of names I was considering and got to Spencer (saving it for last, since that's the one I was already leaning toward) she said, "Well, it doesn't matter what you name him now because that's what I'm going to call him!" Decision made. 

The years sped up, as they tend to do when you and your siblings advance through adulthood. Spencer and Milo became the best of friends, since Milo was a regular dog sitting guest at my house. Molly grew old and passed on, and was eventually replaced with Willow -- once the puppy of the family and now the old man. It's been enough years that I can't say with certainty whether or not Erin ever had the chance to know Willow, but of course if she hadn't she would have loved his quiet little unassuming self as much as they rest of us. Mac came in not long after and became the other half of Willow's pack -- Mac was definitely in charge of things, mostly because Willow didn't care much. 

Milo was living with our parents until his time came. Tiny puppies Shamus and Butch came to their house next; Butch the little black and white Swiffer pad, and Shamus the furry potato with legs. They got along with all the other dogs well enough, and we had a general sense of truce between the five dogs in the family for many years. Erin didn't know them all, but it was impossible to imagine them not loving her back as much as she would have loved them. 

Then it was Spencer's time. He died such a slow and horrifying death that it broke me, and scared me away from getting a new dog for seven years. The day I brought him to the vet to put him to sleep, his doctor let me have the exam room to myself after his quick and peaceful end. While I stood there trying to wrap my head around how hopelessly lonely I was going to be, I remembered something I had heard at a book reading once, about how some people believed that sometimes the spirits or energies of dogs will remain with their masters after the pass. I didn't exactly believe that to be true but in that heightened emotional state I knew I didn't want that for him, so I looked at his body and at the floor by my feet, and, just in case, repeated over and over and over: "Go find Erin. Go find Erin. It's okay. Go find Erin now."

Years later Toby came to Jenny's family, sixty pounds of muscle and enthusiasm stuffed into the body of a boxer. Not long ago little Mac reached his end, and in less than a year equally little Riley moved in with Toby and Willow, and, in his own mind, took over the house. 

Then there was Freddie.

The shy and frightened little boy coming off a mysteriously hard life, who spent a summer's worth of days and reruns of The Office playing in the background to learn how to accept and welcome and eventually embrace his new home. Literally nobody in the world can understand how happy he is here except me, since he's still shy around other people. He's getting so much better, though. Every day he opens up a little more is a small triumph. 

But maybe, if she's ever able in whatever existence she's found now, maybe Erin's able to check in on us and see what we're doing. If so, I know she'd be so interested in everything Freddie has been up to. For all I know, she could have had a hand in steering him back into the arms of his foster mom on the day he came to live here and immediately ran away. She'd see his naps, she'd laugh with delight when he grabs his chicken or his fox out of his crate in the morning and trot into the sun room with them, and she'd smile when he curls up like a little football as he's getting ready to sleep. 

There are so many things I don't know about what life would be like with Erin now if she had been with us all this time. One thing I do know though, with absolute surety, is exactly how desperately she would love my little boy. Knowing that makes me happy and sad at the same time. 

Freddie and the Little Things

I’m not a person with a lot of needs. I’m more concerned about my clothes being comfortable and practical than looking impressive. I enjoy a good meal, but usually l just need something that will get my hunger to back off for a few hours. I typically think of travel as an adventure, but I don’t take a lot of trips. I don’t need a lot of fancy furniture or beautiful home furnishings; I’m good enough with a comfortable place to sit and a warm blanket to rest beneath in the winter. These things are enough for me to be content, and content is great. But they would be considered extravagant compared to what it takes to make my dog Freddie wildly, enthusiastically happy. 

He’s lived here for three months now. In that time he has gone through a revelatory personality transformation unlike anything I would have thought possible. He came here with no trust in anything, fear of all that was new and different, expecting that this chapter in his dog life would likely be the same threatening trial that so much of his young dog life had been before. 

Now that he’s settled in and realizes he’s safe and comfortable and cared for, he’s a completely different dog. Literally everything about his day seems to be better than it was five minutes earlier. I would imagine his internal monologue for a typical day would be very much like this: 

MORNING: 

You’re moving! You’re waking up! I know you aren’t completely awake yet, but it’s close enough for me and I’m so happy! I know I fell asleep in my crate, but I climbed up on the bed with you in the middle of the night and tried so hard to sleep down on the corner of the mattress while I waited for you to wake up, and you’re waking up! I’m so happy about this I have to come and stretch out and lie across your throat and wag my tail furiously so you know that I’m awake too and we can start the day now! Hooray! And now you’re up, and you’re walking down the hallway, and…are we going OUTSIDE? I LOVE outside! It’s my harness! I will sit here on this mat and patiently wait for you to put my harness on because I know it means I can go outside! And we’re outside now! There’s that newspaper I’m not afraid of anymore! There’s the driveway and it’s going to take us to the road and…yes! The road still has all the smells! And new ones! I have to investigate them all because they’re so wonderful! Hey, this is the grass! This is the where all of my neighborhood pals visit so we can leave each other messages! It feels so good for me to go potty in the morning and then I get treats, and then we get to go home and…BREAKFAST!!!! Hurry up, there’s breakfast back in our house and I LOVE breakfast you need to walk faster so I can have delicious breakfast!!!”

Oh my goodness, that was the greatest breakfast in the history of breakfast! It had small pieces of apple on it and I’m just AAAAHHH I’m so happy!!! Here you are on the couch and now I get pets and scratches after breakfast and this is just the best day of my life even if we’ve only been up for 25 minutes! Oh, you’re going to get ready for school now? Hooray! This is a perfect time to get all my favorite toys from my crate and scatter them all over the house! They love being scattered and I love them so much! They’re my best friends!! Wait, you’re leaving to go to school now? I’m sad about that and I’ll miss you but I know if I go wait in my crate you’ll fill my Kong with treats and I LOVE TREATS THEY ARE THE GREATEST EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess now that you’re gone I’ll just listen to the people on the radio talk, and enjoy this wonderfully soft and perfect blanket, and…zzzzzzzzz….

EVENING:

OH MY GOSH THE GARAGE DOOR IS RUMBLING!!!!! YOU’RE HOME AGAIN!!!! Let me out of my crate there’s not enough room in here for me to run and jump and climb and dance!!! Pets and rubs and scratches and pets and hugs and we get to go outside again!!! Oh, as soon as we get outside I’m going potty again because I’m not done welcoming you home yet and plus I know I get more treats!!! It’s so nice and sunny out here, and I know that means it’s sunny on my favorite blanket on the love seat! Yay! We’re back inside! I’m going to grab this here bone and bring it to my favorite blanket so I can play and toss and chew and love my bone!!! Whew, that was fun, but the sun is so warm and I’m getting kind of sleepy again already….SUPPER!!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!?! I GET SUPPER AGAIN?!? SUPPER IS THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME! First you come home, then you let me out, then you give me supper! I am the luckiest dog in all the land! I’m going to sit right here with you so you can pet me some more. Wait, what? You stopped petting me? That’s okay. I’ll just swat you with my front paws a few times to remind you how much you want to be petting me right now. There you go, just keep that up. I’ll wander off to take a nap when I feel there’s been enough pets and scratches for the time being.

Hey, there isn’t as much sun. It’s a little darker!! I know what that means….WALK!!!!!!!!!!!

What in the name of all the dogs that have ever been could be greater than a walk? More chances to go potty, more treats, more smells, more outside, more sunshine! There are so many people out here, and, while I’m not entirely comfortable with that, I’m not afraid of them as much as long as you keep standing close by. Hold on: IS THAT WAGS?????? Wagswagswagswagswagswags!!! Hurry up we have to see Wags! That’s Wags coming this way we have to go see Wags right now Dave is bringing Wags to come and see us we HAVE TO SEE WAGS it’s been almost two days since me and Wags had time to sniff each other and there’s so much to catch up on I have to tell her all about how great breakfast and supper are!!!! Hey, and now we’re by Molly’s house! Where’s Molly? Molly??? I hear you barking but I don’t see you. I see Max watering his flowers but where are you Molly you should come and play with me we could play and sniff while the people are standing and talking about I don’t even care what because you’re inside! Oh well, maybe tomorrow. Wait: TOMORROW!!! I GET TO DO ALL OF THIS AGAIN TOMORROW!!! Oh life, you are pure magnificence!!!

That was a wonderful walk. The best one…yawn…ever…..wha…? It’s so dark in here…do I have to go to bed? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love my crate and blanket and toys, but this pile of blankets is so warm and comfortable I really would be fine just sleeping here tonight instead…no, really, it’s fine…Okay, I guess if you’re going to pick me up and bring me into the bedroom it’s out of my paws…hey! There’s my crate! I’ll go in there and curl up again!

NIGHT: 

It’s dark. I smell crate smells. It must be night! I should probably hop up on the bed and see if you're awake yet. Hmm. Nope. Okay. I’ll just curl up here and wait….

He’s home now, and he knows it. And nothing could make him happier. 

Back to School: The Shifting Mindset

It’s late August, and the feeling of summer running low is very real. There’s less time to sit and read for pleasure, or carelessly binge-watch television, or surrender to random afternoon naps. The sun is noticeably lower in the sky when my dog Freddie and I take our evening walk. Most (not all, of course) of the jobs on my summer to-do list have been completed. It isn’t much longer until the world around here will all be about back to school.

I’m officially back on Monday, the 27th, with a week to prepare before my students arrive. I learned only days ago I've been assigned to teach a different grade, for complicated reasons I won’t explain in detail, sparing you from enduring the professional vocabulary necessary to describe how this particular variety of educational sausage is made. Instead of making mental lists to determine whether the pros about this change outweigh the cons, I’m choosing to accept it both as the compliment that it is, and the presentation of a surmountable and engaging challenge that will define much of my school year. And ultimately, the situation I’ll be in will only be for this year anyway; regardless of what happens during the next ten months, there are guarantees that even more dramatic changes will happen in the school year to follow. 

In a lot of ways, the beginning of the school year for teachers has a feel of surrendering much about the life we’d ideally make for ourselves in favor of the greater good. Having been in education as long as I have now, I’m absolutely sure I’m not alone in feeling this way. It’s a job that has everything to do with the lives and welfare of children and families and community, with teachers being in a critical position to make positive or negative differences, often without even realizing we’re doing it. It’s both an opportunity and a burden. I won’t go as far to say that it’s the most important job in our society, but if there are any other jobs more important, there aren’t many, and education is as much of a cornerstone as anything else. 

Knowing this — not just believing it but knowing the truth of it — puts me in a mindset to start a new school year prepared to, for lack of a better word, attack it. Which I have to; teaching is not something that can be approached with any passivity if it’s going to be done successfully. For better or for worse, I have to own that being a teacher is not just a job but a dominant part of the life I’ve decided to have. 

At the same time though, being a dominant part of life (at least for the next ten months) does not, and should not, mean the job takes over everything. It becomes even more important to defend a sense of self separated from school, if only to reach for maintaining a healthy balance. Not all thought and emotion can be turned over to the job, which is sometimes much easier said than done.

Today I’m enjoying the peace of my last afternoon of the summer, knowing my feet will need to hit the ground running tomorrow morning and I’ll probably feel hopelessly behind on all I need to do before I get home tomorrow evening. I’ve had this gig for awhile though, and I know it doesn’t pay to manufacture added stress about so many of the things that will happen throughout the year, since those issues will eventually be resolved, one way or another. 

All I can do is respect how much influence my efforts and decisions can have on the students and colleagues around me, to remember that each day begins with a chance to start anew, and to acknowledge there will be limits to what I can accomplish. Trying my reasonable best and keeping a healthy balance in my life seem like good first steps in that direction.