Being an introvert is one of the ways I define myself most prominently. It’s not something measured to a degree or a percent; anytime I read examinations or descriptions of introversion, I feel I’m a textbook example and usually find myself checking off each box in the personality inventory. There have only been a handful of times when reading a book completely changed my life. The first time I read Susan Cain’s book Quiet was one of them. Being an introvert is an interior thing I’ve learned to closely protect, so it’s not really something everyone around me is aware of or clearly understands. It doesn’t have anything to do with being antisocial, or shy, or not liking people, regardless of the simple and convenient ways people who don’t know any better would like to label it. It has more to do with how social interaction affects your mindset and energy level.
During this past week, I had to endure one of the most unpleasant moments I’ve had this entire school year, when an impromptu ten-minute staff meeting was called for the specific reason of embarrassing me in front of the staff with some farcical award. I’m not exaggerating here; the principal made one quick general information announcement before the festivities began, and the meeting wrapped up as soon as they were over. I pretended to play along, because what other choice did I have, but as soon as it was over, my teaching partner, who knows who I really am better than most people at our school, caught me in the hallway. She smiled sympathetically and said, “So that probably wasn’t your favorite meeting of the year, was it?”
Now, before I start solidifying any impression that all of this was done with any sense of spite or malice or I’m holding residual grudges about it, let’s be clear that isn't the case. It was all intended to be good-natured fun, and I put it all behind me as soon as it was over. The ringleaders behind this get-together are people I’m completely confident have no idea of my true introverted nature or to what degree it defines me. It was all one of those “thanks for being such a good sport” moments, but, if you think about it, anytime someone is thanked for being a good sport they’re really being thanked for putting up with being forced into uncomfortable moments for the amusement of others, which, in general, I don’t think much of as far as an example of how to fulfill your role as a part of any team. But when you work in an environment where, to be blunt, introversion is not valued, and that really describes too much of education, moments like the one I experienced occasionally come with the territory. Sometimes to do the things you think are important, you just have to pick your battles and move on.
But, as it must seem like practically everything does, it got me thinking. How many different interpretations of who I am are there in just the school where I work? Each relationship we have with different people can build a separate perception. We have close to one hundred people working on our staff, and I only really feel like I know a fraction of them. There are dozens of people I never cross paths with or have ever had the chance to get to know because our schedules and responsibilities never bring us together. What might they have been thinking about why that meeting was even held, or why I was anyone who merited that kind of attention? How many of my other friends were silently cringing because they knew how painful that was for me? How many people were just innocently just laughing it up because they saw it nothing more than a harmless moment of tension breaking at the end of a truly ugly week, and I must have been on board with it all? How many people were in that audience who don’t think much of me and enjoyed watching me have to twist in the wind like that?
From that list of unanswerable speculation alone, I could be seen and defined as half a dozen different people just from whatever partial connections or impressions I’ve made on the people I work with, to say nothing of how I would define myself. And who’s to say that my definition of self is any more or less valid than how someone else might view me? Is it possible the people around us in lives have clearer pictures of the people we truly are than we do ourselves?
Most of the people we encounter in life are never going to be people we truly know. Unless we have one of those rare connections with them that make them truly an open book to us, we can’t know what makes up their interior lives. We can’t know their thoughts and fears. We won’t feel their joy. We aren’t able to clearly see how much they value, or how they even define, traits like honesty or loyalty. When characteristics like these are left as closed doors to us, it’s easy human nature to try and fill in the blanks on our own, even if we end up filling in too many of those blanks with perspectives that have more to do with how we might view the world than trying to understand them.
If anything good came out that brief staff meeting of the absurd for me, maybe it will just be the reminder that I also need to work more at trying to see people for who they are, instead of how I might pigeonhole them into my own backdrop.
We have a lot of stress bouncing around our school these days, and it likely isn’t going to evaporate off any time soon. Maybe trying to appreciate how others are feeling about all we’re going through will be more productive and compassionate than deciding for them.
Sunday, May 15, 2016
Saturday, May 14, 2016
Day 14: Reflections on a Retroactive Bucket List
For some reason, the idea of a bucket list keeps working its way into my May blog posts each year. Even though I love to structure my life around To-Do lists, I’m not a big proponent of bucket lists. Mine wouldn’t be all that noteworthy since I really only have two or three things I still want to do before I die. Mostly I’d rather just wait and see what happy surprises life has in store for me instead of try and manufacture events that would have equal chances of living up to expectations or not. For example: Three years ago I wouldn’t have known Port Townsend, Washington even existed, but the day trip I took there while visiting some friends in the area was wonderful. I never would have put visiting Port Townsend on a bucket list, but I’m happy I had the chance to go there.
Today would have been my sister Erin’s 45th birthday. The last of her birthdays she was here to celebrate was her 33rd. I know quite a few people who are in that early-thirties stage of life right now. On days like this, I'm reminded when I think about those people how, regardless of how accomplished or established in their lives or careers they might be, 33 is still so relatively young. However, as in the case in so many other examples besides how a life is spent, quality can matter just as much as quantity, if not more. From certain perspectives, it would be absolutely fair to say that Erin did more living with the time she was allotted than many other people have with theirs, including me.
I was thinking about this a month or two ago, when one of those “copy, paste, reply, and tag ten other people” lists was trying to get some traction on Facebook. It included a collection of life moments ranging from the mundane to the extraordinary that people might feel worthy of inclusion on a bucket list. Knowing I’d be writing a May blog post for Erin’s birthday, I copied that list to see how many of the things on it are things she would have done, or maybe would have done without my knowing, or likely would have done:
*Fired a gun: I have to think she did, at least once.
*Skipped school: Faking a sick day in elementary? Of course. Skipping classes in college? Absolutely. Taking off with friends in high school? That I’m not sure about.
*Watched someone give birth: She was there for the birth of at least one of our nephews.
*Watched someone die: During her life she worked both as an EMT for a time, and as the activities director in an assisted living center. It wouldn’t surprise me if she'd been there for someone else's final moments.
*Visited Canada: I honestly don’t know. I can’t think of a reason she would have had to.
*Visited Europe: Yes. More than once.
*Visited Las Vegas: At least one time, and I know for a fact she came out ahead.
*Visited Los Angeles: Maybe? I think?
*Visited New York: I don’t think so. I really think she would have made big enough deal about it afterward if she had. Maybe stopping there on a layover, but I don’t think ever as a specific visit.
*Seen the Grand Canyon in person: I’m not entirely sure about this one, but something sticks at me saying that it happened. Maybe I’m remembering wrong after so many years.
*Flown in a helicopter. Yes to this one. I was beside her.
*Cried herself to sleep: I’m confident about this one happening.
*Recently colored with pencils: Well, not recently. But if the adult coloring books that are such a big deal in certain circles these days had been popular fifteen years ago, she would have had a stack.
*Sang karaoke: Most definitely.
*Paid for a meal with coins: Wouldn’t surprise me.
*Made prank phone calls: Without a doubt.
*Laughed so much she cried: Literally hundreds of times.
*Had a pet: Absolutely.
*Jet-skiing: I can’t see how she wouldn’t have at least tried it.
*Waterskied: I’m sure she at least tried.
*Parasailed: She most certainly did, in an instance that ultimately inspired a key moment at the ending of “Following Infinity.”
*Camped in a tent: Many times.
*Jumped out of an airplane: Yes. It was a goal of hers to do this before turning 30. She brought our aunt and uncle with, but didn’t tell any of us in the family about it until afterward because she didn’t want our parents to know until it was done.
*Gone to a drive-in movie: Many times, usually falling asleep in the back of the family station wagon before the movie was over.
*Eaten just cookies, cake, or ice cream for breakfast: Well, of course.
*Stolen any traffic signs: I don’t think so. But there were a couple years of dorm life in college where there was a lot going on, and since I didn’t live on campus when she was at school I can’t account for all of what may have gone on.
*Been to jail: No. And seriously, who would put this on a bucket list anyway?
*Ridden a rollercoaster: Many times.
*Stayed in a hospital: Certainly more than she would have cared to.
*Donated blood: Probably.
*Gotten a tattoo: Yes, with less than a year to live. Right on her butt. And of course it got infected, which her oncologist found amusing.
*Driven over 100 miles per hour: I’ll go with probably. I know she drove close to 80 once with a hyperactive Jack Russell terrier sitting in her lap, which should probably count for just as dangerous.
*Lived on her own: I don’t think she ever did. Out of the three of us siblings, Erin was the sore thumb extrovert. She needed people around her.
*Been to a Broadway musical: I don’t think one actually on broadway, but many touring shows, to say nothing of the cast recordings she had in her slightly bizarre CD collection.
It would have been nice to have her with us longer. It would have been nice to know who she would have been at forty-five years old. But it’s still nice knowing that she used the time she had as well as she did.
Today would have been my sister Erin’s 45th birthday. The last of her birthdays she was here to celebrate was her 33rd. I know quite a few people who are in that early-thirties stage of life right now. On days like this, I'm reminded when I think about those people how, regardless of how accomplished or established in their lives or careers they might be, 33 is still so relatively young. However, as in the case in so many other examples besides how a life is spent, quality can matter just as much as quantity, if not more. From certain perspectives, it would be absolutely fair to say that Erin did more living with the time she was allotted than many other people have with theirs, including me.
I was thinking about this a month or two ago, when one of those “copy, paste, reply, and tag ten other people” lists was trying to get some traction on Facebook. It included a collection of life moments ranging from the mundane to the extraordinary that people might feel worthy of inclusion on a bucket list. Knowing I’d be writing a May blog post for Erin’s birthday, I copied that list to see how many of the things on it are things she would have done, or maybe would have done without my knowing, or likely would have done:
*Fired a gun: I have to think she did, at least once.
*Skipped school: Faking a sick day in elementary? Of course. Skipping classes in college? Absolutely. Taking off with friends in high school? That I’m not sure about.
*Watched someone give birth: She was there for the birth of at least one of our nephews.
*Watched someone die: During her life she worked both as an EMT for a time, and as the activities director in an assisted living center. It wouldn’t surprise me if she'd been there for someone else's final moments.
*Visited Canada: I honestly don’t know. I can’t think of a reason she would have had to.
*Visited Europe: Yes. More than once.
*Visited Las Vegas: At least one time, and I know for a fact she came out ahead.
*Visited Los Angeles: Maybe? I think?
*Visited New York: I don’t think so. I really think she would have made big enough deal about it afterward if she had. Maybe stopping there on a layover, but I don’t think ever as a specific visit.
*Seen the Grand Canyon in person: I’m not entirely sure about this one, but something sticks at me saying that it happened. Maybe I’m remembering wrong after so many years.
*Flown in a helicopter. Yes to this one. I was beside her.
*Cried herself to sleep: I’m confident about this one happening.
*Recently colored with pencils: Well, not recently. But if the adult coloring books that are such a big deal in certain circles these days had been popular fifteen years ago, she would have had a stack.
*Sang karaoke: Most definitely.
*Paid for a meal with coins: Wouldn’t surprise me.
*Made prank phone calls: Without a doubt.
*Laughed so much she cried: Literally hundreds of times.
*Had a pet: Absolutely.
*Jet-skiing: I can’t see how she wouldn’t have at least tried it.
*Waterskied: I’m sure she at least tried.
*Parasailed: She most certainly did, in an instance that ultimately inspired a key moment at the ending of “Following Infinity.”
*Camped in a tent: Many times.
*Jumped out of an airplane: Yes. It was a goal of hers to do this before turning 30. She brought our aunt and uncle with, but didn’t tell any of us in the family about it until afterward because she didn’t want our parents to know until it was done.
*Gone to a drive-in movie: Many times, usually falling asleep in the back of the family station wagon before the movie was over.
*Eaten just cookies, cake, or ice cream for breakfast: Well, of course.
*Stolen any traffic signs: I don’t think so. But there were a couple years of dorm life in college where there was a lot going on, and since I didn’t live on campus when she was at school I can’t account for all of what may have gone on.
*Been to jail: No. And seriously, who would put this on a bucket list anyway?
*Ridden a rollercoaster: Many times.
*Stayed in a hospital: Certainly more than she would have cared to.
*Donated blood: Probably.
*Gotten a tattoo: Yes, with less than a year to live. Right on her butt. And of course it got infected, which her oncologist found amusing.
*Driven over 100 miles per hour: I’ll go with probably. I know she drove close to 80 once with a hyperactive Jack Russell terrier sitting in her lap, which should probably count for just as dangerous.
*Lived on her own: I don’t think she ever did. Out of the three of us siblings, Erin was the sore thumb extrovert. She needed people around her.
*Been to a Broadway musical: I don’t think one actually on broadway, but many touring shows, to say nothing of the cast recordings she had in her slightly bizarre CD collection.
It would have been nice to have her with us longer. It would have been nice to know who she would have been at forty-five years old. But it’s still nice knowing that she used the time she had as well as she did.
Friday, May 13, 2016
Day 13: The Book Club of Destiny
I've never been a member of a book club before. I think that's probably due to a combination of the people around me never really getting one off the ground, as well as my off-the-charts introverted nature (a quality which I was uncomfortably reminded today is so very real). I have nothing against book clubs. I think they could be very interesting in the right circumstances. I'll admit though the idea of sitting around and talking about a book sounds equal parts intriguing and terrifying: Intriguing because with the right group of people it could be a great bit of stimulating social interaction, and terrifying because the last experiences I had that involved discussing a book with a group of people flash me back to the one year I spent as an English major in college, and had the same collection of self-aggrandizing pseudo-intellectual porto-hipsters rotating through each of my literature classes, and almost to the person they were convinced that each of the novels we were assigned read could somehow be thematically linked to sexual frustration.
However, I'd expect the discussion to take on a dramatically different tone than this in a book club populated by elementary school teachers. Especially if they were going to be discussing a book written for a middle grade audience. And double especially if the author was someone they all worked with.
If you've put those pieces together correctly, you've figured out that, yes, the book club from the school where I work has decided to take on one of my manuscripts for their next discussion, and 100% happy truth that it was completely unprompted by me. Back when I was doing my class read aloud of "The Ghost of Lake Emily" and posting progress updates along the way on Facebook, it got some people interested in reading it. Of course I was more than willing to send around enough PDF files for everyone who was interested.
The meeting takes place two Mondays from now. Based on some incidental check-in reports I've gotten at school, a few people have already finished reading it and some others have at least started. Response has been good so far, which is encouraging, but I'm very curious to find out what it will feel like to sit there in the room with all of these people -- I think the total right now is somewhere in the range of 10 to 13 (excluding the one who felt using her Beyoncé tickets for that same night was a bigger deal).
It's one thing to talk to someone one-on-one about your book and get feedback and stand there trying to keep your insecurities from taking over your vital organs while you hope really hard that they liked it. I expect it's going to be a whole different experience to listen to a group of incredibly intelligent people I know and respect while they talk and ask questions about the book I've poured so much of myself into. I'm going into this experience optimistically curious, but I really don't think I can predict what it will feel like.
However, since two Mondays is not that far off anymore, I'm going to put further posting aside for tonight and try to get a head start on Stage 1 of the housecleaning that needs to take place before that night. Yes, not only will the book club meeting be about my work, but I'll be hosting it that night as well.
I can only hope my hospitality will influence opinions in the best of all possible ways.
However, I'd expect the discussion to take on a dramatically different tone than this in a book club populated by elementary school teachers. Especially if they were going to be discussing a book written for a middle grade audience. And double especially if the author was someone they all worked with.
If you've put those pieces together correctly, you've figured out that, yes, the book club from the school where I work has decided to take on one of my manuscripts for their next discussion, and 100% happy truth that it was completely unprompted by me. Back when I was doing my class read aloud of "The Ghost of Lake Emily" and posting progress updates along the way on Facebook, it got some people interested in reading it. Of course I was more than willing to send around enough PDF files for everyone who was interested.
The meeting takes place two Mondays from now. Based on some incidental check-in reports I've gotten at school, a few people have already finished reading it and some others have at least started. Response has been good so far, which is encouraging, but I'm very curious to find out what it will feel like to sit there in the room with all of these people -- I think the total right now is somewhere in the range of 10 to 13 (excluding the one who felt using her Beyoncé tickets for that same night was a bigger deal).
It's one thing to talk to someone one-on-one about your book and get feedback and stand there trying to keep your insecurities from taking over your vital organs while you hope really hard that they liked it. I expect it's going to be a whole different experience to listen to a group of incredibly intelligent people I know and respect while they talk and ask questions about the book I've poured so much of myself into. I'm going into this experience optimistically curious, but I really don't think I can predict what it will feel like.
However, since two Mondays is not that far off anymore, I'm going to put further posting aside for tonight and try to get a head start on Stage 1 of the housecleaning that needs to take place before that night. Yes, not only will the book club meeting be about my work, but I'll be hosting it that night as well.
I can only hope my hospitality will influence opinions in the best of all possible ways.
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