When my sister Erin died, fifteen years ago today, her biggest fear was that the people in her life weren’t going to remember her. This was a ridiculous thing for her to worry about, of course. However, this is the year I can kind of understand where she was coming from. It wasn’t so much the idea that we’d all forget she had ever been here and a part of our lives, but after so much time passed and the world would move on and carry us (but not her) along with it, she wouldn’t be the same presence for us she’d once been.
Truthfully I think that can be said about most of the people in our lives, though. Just in the years since she had passed, I’ve had relationships that, at the time, had seemed close enough that I felt for sure those people would always be with me, regardless of what paths our lives took. Things absolutely did not go that way, though; even though a number of these friendships had been some of the strongest of my life time, they’ve faded into little more than social media echoes. Relationships are living things that both ends have to work at to keep alive, and it can be a cold realization to bear witness to how easily things can disappear. Sometimes it can come from physical distance, or mental distance, or emotional distance. Distance itself isn’t enough to wrap things up; my closest friend lives two time zones away and has for at least a decade now. Not every relationship is strong enough to survive, as powerful as it might seem while it’s happening. Life happens the way it does, and sometimes it sucks.
I never worried about Erin fading out of my life. I have millions upon millions of formative memories of her, along with the memories held onto my my parents, my sister, some of our longtime friends, and so many others in my family. Unfortunately, but realistically, one of the things that keeps me tied to her now is this quietly pervasive pain that will never go away. I’ve said before that in grief, you aren’t sad all the time but the sadness is never far away. It’s an undercurrent to everything you do and think. It comes with a crushing weight, but it also twists into a version of nostalgia when you have happier moments and feel more capable of facing it. You can tell yourself you’ve found peace with the loss, and I believe it’s possible to reach a point when you truly have, but finding peace isn’t the same thing as being released from the pain. I know a lot of people seeking to be comforting, with the best of intentions, would try to fall back on the Thoughts and Prayers chestnut of “She’ll always be with you,” but I promise you that 99.985% of the time it does not feel that way. She is decidedly not with us anymore. Her time with us came to an end, and the rest of the world continued to turn.
I can honestly say that fifteen years out usually means it all doesn’t hurt anywhere as much as it has before. But times like the days or weeks leading up to important days, like this anniversary, can come back and smack you in the head like a boomerang you forget you had tossed. Fifteen years feels like a landmark anniversary number, and that got me thinking about how different the world is for those of us still alive since the time we lost her. Just to give you a perspective on how much distance there is now between our losing her and an understanding of how hard the pain can hit if it can still breach that distance on occasion, here’s a list of things I thought of while I spent a good amount of time lying awake in bed early this morning — fifteen of them — that Erin never lived to experience:
*She never knew anything about my brother-in-law David.
*Between my sister, my parents, and me, we’ve had a total of seven dogs in the family that Erin never met.
*There is not a single book I’ve written that she had the chance to read.
*The house where I’ve lived for well over a decade now, and the house where our parents are spending their retirement? She never saw either of them.
*The iPhone didn’t exist until three years after she died.
*Facebook had still been the domain of a few thousand college kids.
*She didn’t know anything about the car accident that came so close to taking our sister.
*The first Iron Man movie was still four years away, so she never saw any of the “Marvel Movies.” (Thor: Ragnarok and Captain Marvel would have been her favorites, and she would have giggled at never scene with Ned in the most recent Spider-Man movies.)
*She left the world when people still dominantly bought compact discs for their music.
*She probably never even heard the name “Barack Obama.”
*She never saw an episode of “The Office.”
*She never had the chance to read a single of the 500+ posts I’ve written on this blog.
*She missed the entire academic career, from kindergarten through starting the freshman year of college, of my youngest nephew.
*She never heard Green Day’s “American Idiot” album. To be fair, she might not have been all that interested in it anyway, but since it was released only weeks before she died and I listened to it almost constantly during that time to help purge the anger and frustration I was feeling, it would be impossible for me to disassociate that album from that specific moment of my life.
*She wasn’t at either my 40th or 50th birthday parties.
The relationships Erin had with those who love her did not end, despite the ultimate distance being between all of us now. We’re living in a different version of the world from the one we experienced with her, though. That can be a lot to think about.
Saturday, October 5, 2019
Sunday, August 25, 2019
An Open Letter to Nephew #3
Dear Nephew #3:
I’ve written one of these for each of your brothers. As I looked back at what I shared with them, I found a lot of general going-to-college advice that would apply to you as well, so I’m recycling the ideas that seem the most useful. However, we all know that as similar as you are to your brothers, there are also things that make you very much an individual. Your experience will not be theirs. So here is my abundant wisdom, tailor-made for you, from which I am certain you’ll benefit if you take it to heart. You’re very welcome.
*The first 48 hours I spent on campus were some of the most intimidating of my entire life. Things will likely feel very foreign at first. I promise it won’t last. If I was given the chance to revisit any period in my life, I’d go back to any random month I spent in college. The learning, the newfound independence, the constant discovery, the emerging self-definition, the failures and successes, the hundreds of casual friendships, the evolving relationships — both long-term and temporary; it’s an exhilarating time. I’m a tiny bit jealous that you’re about to be immersed in all of that.
*The blank slate is a beautiful thing. You'll settle in, meet new people, and spend the first few weeks being whoever you want to be. No history, no baggage, no labels; everything completely neutral and waiting for definition. You'll live in glorious, intoxicating anonymity for awhile, and even after you establish your new circles of friends and acquaintances, that's how things will be most of the time. Enjoy it.
* Many people go to college because it seems like the next step they’re supposed to take in life. The truth is college isn’t for everyone, and by no means does it guarantee happiness and success. Happiness comes from getting to do what you want with your life, and hopefully with enough security to avoid any severe and constant worries. Having a degree will result in more choices and opportunities being available to you. It wouldn’t be the worst idea to occasionally reflect on why you’re in school and what you hope to get out of it. Having said all that, I have no doubt that you belong there. You will love the experience of it and will greatly benefit from everything it has to offer.
*Some of the best memories I have from college were the results of the chances I took, while all of my biggest regrets were from the ones I didn’t. Try to imagine how different high school would have been if you weren’t involved in your list of arts and activities. I’m not saying join every club or try out for every activity you hear about, but be open to possibilities. Don’t let hesitation ever choose your path.
*When you throw yourself into doing your best and things don't work out, let that be okay. You'll make mistakes, or things will take a wrong turn of their own accord, or even a combination of the two might happen. Just pick up the pieces and move on. Don’t make it bigger than it needs to be, and learn what you can from the experience. In the end, remember your GPA will only wind up being one line on your resumé. It's important, but it shouldn’t define you. Today’s trials are tomorrow’s footnotes.
*The time might come when you’re tempted to blow off some of the classes that seem easier. Don’t give in. The grades you get in that first year carry a lot of weight when it comes to establishing a baseline GPA. Trust me, you don’t want to find yourself hundredths of a point away from graduating one level of honor higher than you will, especially if it means knowing it would have made all the difference if you’d just gotten a B instead of a C in that one freshman class where you spent half your time playing with the light reflecting from your watch onto the ceiling instead of paying attention. That kind of thing can stick with you.
*Set goals to work toward. Plan for ways to work around any patterns that become obstacles, and take advantage of the ones that work. Find a routine to get your class work done, and seriously, get your class work done. It won’t be just completing assignments; your goal isn’t the grade anymore, but the knowledge. You have a SWEET work study gig; use that as an opportunity to learn how to prioritize and manage your time.
*Give everyone you meet a chance to show you the best version of themselves.
*College is a great time to get the stupid out of your system before you have to officially join the real world as a full-fledged adult, but you will still be held accountable for your decisions and actions. You’ll hear people frequently using excuses like “Dude, I was so wasted,” or “Oh crap, I totally forgot” as reasons for not getting things done or making complete asses of themselves. But: Teachers won’t care. Employers won’t care. Police won’t care. (Not that I expect you to have any run-ins with the police, but still.) People will see your actions as a result of the decisions you make, and they will take that as a representation of who you are.
*NEVER walk into a dorm bathroom with bare feet. Never, ever. There’s more awful going on in there than even the CDC could categorize.
*You’re 18 so you could probably nutritionally absorb cardboard without experiencing so much as a stomachache, but there’s going to be an extraordinary amount of pizza in your future. Walking all over a huge campus will help you maintain a respectable step count, and having a bike on campus won’t hurt either. College is a good time to begin establishing good habits. Maintaining even minimal exercise routines will make a big difference in how you feel, both physically and mentally.
*When you feel insecure about things, remember that everyone around you will be insecure as well. Everyone is just trying to get by. Everyone is looking to define themselves and figure things out, even the people who either seem like or act like they’ve already figured it all out. They really haven’t.
*The teacher in me has to get this out: In high school it was the job of your teachers to teach you. In college it will be your job to learn. If you don’t find a way to do the learning, you can’t blame anyone else for it, and it’s not always going to be a ride around the lake. Professors won’t care about which clubs people were or were not in, who took advanced placement or had IEPs, who had a letter jacket and who didn’t. To some of them you’ll be nothing more than a face in the crowd, a name on an assignment, or most likely a number on a list. Some will recognize and appreciate what you have to offer, but be ready for that to be the exception. It’s just the way the machine works, especially in the early years.
*You’re going to be surrounded by a lot of people who have awful taste in music, and yet they’ll feel as passionate about their music as you do about yours. Resist the urge to point out how misguided they are. You’ll only come off like a fifth grade boy dramatically covering his ears and complaining about how much BTS sucks.
*It’s always good to try and get along with your roommate as much as you can. Not all pairings turn out great, but most are at least workable. Agreeing on some ground rules can help. My roommate in the dorms was different from me in a lot of ways, but we lived together well because understood each other.
*If you have a professor tell you there are multiple forms of a test and you’re using a bubble sheet to mark your answers, pay very close attention to which form you have and where you should hand in your answer sheet. That way you can avoid studying really hard the night before and scoring an 11 out of 50 because you put your answer sheet in the wrong *&%@! pile, and then you won’t have to miss attending Game 7 of the 1987 World Series because you can’t afford to have another failing grade on one of the only three tests given during the term.
*Respect the people, and especially the women, around you. Luckily you and your brothers all have strong relationships with your mother, so that’s going to give you a head start. Demonstrate that respect in ways that will help you earn it from others. At the same time, remember that you can’t control how other people think and feel and act, and that no one has the right or the power to marginalize you.
*The people you'll know and the friends you'll make will come from three groups: The ones you live with, the ones you learn with, and everyone else. How big Everyone Else is completely depends on how involved you decide to be in campus life beyond your dorm room. I cannot emphasize this next part enough: These coming years will be the very last time in your whole life when you will be almost exclusively surrounded by people your age. Take advantage of that. One of my clearest college memories was a day I was cutting through the student union and I saw a girl I knew from a class sitting with a cup of coffee and studying. I stopped to say hi and we talked for a few minutes. The reason I still remember this is because it was a such a perfectly representative moment of what so many days of campus life were like. Soak up and enjoy all the minuscule details that make up college, whatever that ends up meaning for you. I’m not saying to forcibly embed yourself into every aspect of the campus community, but dip your toes into something new once in awhile.
*Text your mom sometimes, just because she’ll miss you.
*Take advantage of this time to discover who you are and to prepare for the life you want to have. Learn to recognize the importance of small events as well as the big ones. Pause and occasionally allow yourself half a thought to appreciate what’s happening to you in the moment, because, believe it or not, these next few years will absolutely fly by.
*Remember there are all kinds of us who want to see you succeed and are cheering you on. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you ever feel it’s becoming too much. We’ve always had your back, and we always will.
I’ve written one of these for each of your brothers. As I looked back at what I shared with them, I found a lot of general going-to-college advice that would apply to you as well, so I’m recycling the ideas that seem the most useful. However, we all know that as similar as you are to your brothers, there are also things that make you very much an individual. Your experience will not be theirs. So here is my abundant wisdom, tailor-made for you, from which I am certain you’ll benefit if you take it to heart. You’re very welcome.
*The first 48 hours I spent on campus were some of the most intimidating of my entire life. Things will likely feel very foreign at first. I promise it won’t last. If I was given the chance to revisit any period in my life, I’d go back to any random month I spent in college. The learning, the newfound independence, the constant discovery, the emerging self-definition, the failures and successes, the hundreds of casual friendships, the evolving relationships — both long-term and temporary; it’s an exhilarating time. I’m a tiny bit jealous that you’re about to be immersed in all of that.
*The blank slate is a beautiful thing. You'll settle in, meet new people, and spend the first few weeks being whoever you want to be. No history, no baggage, no labels; everything completely neutral and waiting for definition. You'll live in glorious, intoxicating anonymity for awhile, and even after you establish your new circles of friends and acquaintances, that's how things will be most of the time. Enjoy it.
* Many people go to college because it seems like the next step they’re supposed to take in life. The truth is college isn’t for everyone, and by no means does it guarantee happiness and success. Happiness comes from getting to do what you want with your life, and hopefully with enough security to avoid any severe and constant worries. Having a degree will result in more choices and opportunities being available to you. It wouldn’t be the worst idea to occasionally reflect on why you’re in school and what you hope to get out of it. Having said all that, I have no doubt that you belong there. You will love the experience of it and will greatly benefit from everything it has to offer.
*Some of the best memories I have from college were the results of the chances I took, while all of my biggest regrets were from the ones I didn’t. Try to imagine how different high school would have been if you weren’t involved in your list of arts and activities. I’m not saying join every club or try out for every activity you hear about, but be open to possibilities. Don’t let hesitation ever choose your path.
*When you throw yourself into doing your best and things don't work out, let that be okay. You'll make mistakes, or things will take a wrong turn of their own accord, or even a combination of the two might happen. Just pick up the pieces and move on. Don’t make it bigger than it needs to be, and learn what you can from the experience. In the end, remember your GPA will only wind up being one line on your resumé. It's important, but it shouldn’t define you. Today’s trials are tomorrow’s footnotes.
*The time might come when you’re tempted to blow off some of the classes that seem easier. Don’t give in. The grades you get in that first year carry a lot of weight when it comes to establishing a baseline GPA. Trust me, you don’t want to find yourself hundredths of a point away from graduating one level of honor higher than you will, especially if it means knowing it would have made all the difference if you’d just gotten a B instead of a C in that one freshman class where you spent half your time playing with the light reflecting from your watch onto the ceiling instead of paying attention. That kind of thing can stick with you.
*Set goals to work toward. Plan for ways to work around any patterns that become obstacles, and take advantage of the ones that work. Find a routine to get your class work done, and seriously, get your class work done. It won’t be just completing assignments; your goal isn’t the grade anymore, but the knowledge. You have a SWEET work study gig; use that as an opportunity to learn how to prioritize and manage your time.
*Give everyone you meet a chance to show you the best version of themselves.
*College is a great time to get the stupid out of your system before you have to officially join the real world as a full-fledged adult, but you will still be held accountable for your decisions and actions. You’ll hear people frequently using excuses like “Dude, I was so wasted,” or “Oh crap, I totally forgot” as reasons for not getting things done or making complete asses of themselves. But: Teachers won’t care. Employers won’t care. Police won’t care. (Not that I expect you to have any run-ins with the police, but still.) People will see your actions as a result of the decisions you make, and they will take that as a representation of who you are.
*NEVER walk into a dorm bathroom with bare feet. Never, ever. There’s more awful going on in there than even the CDC could categorize.
*You’re 18 so you could probably nutritionally absorb cardboard without experiencing so much as a stomachache, but there’s going to be an extraordinary amount of pizza in your future. Walking all over a huge campus will help you maintain a respectable step count, and having a bike on campus won’t hurt either. College is a good time to begin establishing good habits. Maintaining even minimal exercise routines will make a big difference in how you feel, both physically and mentally.
*When you feel insecure about things, remember that everyone around you will be insecure as well. Everyone is just trying to get by. Everyone is looking to define themselves and figure things out, even the people who either seem like or act like they’ve already figured it all out. They really haven’t.
*The teacher in me has to get this out: In high school it was the job of your teachers to teach you. In college it will be your job to learn. If you don’t find a way to do the learning, you can’t blame anyone else for it, and it’s not always going to be a ride around the lake. Professors won’t care about which clubs people were or were not in, who took advanced placement or had IEPs, who had a letter jacket and who didn’t. To some of them you’ll be nothing more than a face in the crowd, a name on an assignment, or most likely a number on a list. Some will recognize and appreciate what you have to offer, but be ready for that to be the exception. It’s just the way the machine works, especially in the early years.
*You’re going to be surrounded by a lot of people who have awful taste in music, and yet they’ll feel as passionate about their music as you do about yours. Resist the urge to point out how misguided they are. You’ll only come off like a fifth grade boy dramatically covering his ears and complaining about how much BTS sucks.
*It’s always good to try and get along with your roommate as much as you can. Not all pairings turn out great, but most are at least workable. Agreeing on some ground rules can help. My roommate in the dorms was different from me in a lot of ways, but we lived together well because understood each other.
*If you have a professor tell you there are multiple forms of a test and you’re using a bubble sheet to mark your answers, pay very close attention to which form you have and where you should hand in your answer sheet. That way you can avoid studying really hard the night before and scoring an 11 out of 50 because you put your answer sheet in the wrong *&%@! pile, and then you won’t have to miss attending Game 7 of the 1987 World Series because you can’t afford to have another failing grade on one of the only three tests given during the term.
*Respect the people, and especially the women, around you. Luckily you and your brothers all have strong relationships with your mother, so that’s going to give you a head start. Demonstrate that respect in ways that will help you earn it from others. At the same time, remember that you can’t control how other people think and feel and act, and that no one has the right or the power to marginalize you.
*The people you'll know and the friends you'll make will come from three groups: The ones you live with, the ones you learn with, and everyone else. How big Everyone Else is completely depends on how involved you decide to be in campus life beyond your dorm room. I cannot emphasize this next part enough: These coming years will be the very last time in your whole life when you will be almost exclusively surrounded by people your age. Take advantage of that. One of my clearest college memories was a day I was cutting through the student union and I saw a girl I knew from a class sitting with a cup of coffee and studying. I stopped to say hi and we talked for a few minutes. The reason I still remember this is because it was a such a perfectly representative moment of what so many days of campus life were like. Soak up and enjoy all the minuscule details that make up college, whatever that ends up meaning for you. I’m not saying to forcibly embed yourself into every aspect of the campus community, but dip your toes into something new once in awhile.
*Text your mom sometimes, just because she’ll miss you.
*Take advantage of this time to discover who you are and to prepare for the life you want to have. Learn to recognize the importance of small events as well as the big ones. Pause and occasionally allow yourself half a thought to appreciate what’s happening to you in the moment, because, believe it or not, these next few years will absolutely fly by.
*Remember there are all kinds of us who want to see you succeed and are cheering you on. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you ever feel it’s becoming too much. We’ve always had your back, and we always will.
Sunday, July 21, 2019
Middle Grade?
When I began writing short stories for real in high school, there was no purpose or intent behind it. I just had ideas come and thought they were cool, and writing them into stories felt right. That habit carried into college, and even into the earliest years of my teaching career. Being surrounded by kids for most of the year presented me with constant inspiration for stories to tell about the innocence, trials, and comedies of childhood. Eventually I had enough stories to assemble as a sort of anthology, and made a half-hearted attempt at trying to get them published. Of course that went nowhere since I only knew a fraction of what I needed to about how to do it right.
The next logical step was to write a book. This was terrifying. I hadn’t written any piece of fiction much longer than fifty pages, so just the idea of trying to write an actual book-length manuscript was daunting. And the phrase “trying to write” is used very intentionally here, because I had no idea whether or not this would be something I could even do. It felt like someone with three years of noodling around on a piano deciding one day to sit down and write a symphony. However, over the course of one summer break, mostly between the hours of midnight and three a.m. (back when I was physically able to be awake that late) I managed to write my first book. I felt great pride in the accomplishment, and even greater relief in knowing I could. It wasn’t great but it wasn’t terrible, and it had a few moments I’d probably still be proud of now if I could bring myself to read it. Most importantly, I was able to walk away from the experience knowing I had successfully crossed a new threshold.
That year of summer book writing was followed by a few more. I started feeling more confident and started thinking again that maybe what I was writing was worth trying to publish and it was time to try finding an agent. Through a combination of hard work, patience, and plain dumb luck, I finally broke through and connected with an agent, someone I get along with who understands my writing, always sees how it can be better, and encourages me to do more with it. Right now, while we're on submission with one project and in the middle of preparing another, she’s gently encouraging me to explore a brand new direction.
I never consciously decided to write middle grade fiction. The stories I thought up were largely inspired by the shenanigans and lives of the kids at school, so those ideas came naturally. Branding is definitely a thing for authors, so if someone is known for writing in a specific genre or age level, typically that’s the wheelhouse where they stay. I don’t remember a lot of details about the first time I spoke with my agent on the phone, but I remember her asking something about middle grade fiction, and if that was the direction I wanted to go for a career. “Because you can write anything you want,” she said, a statement that jumped out at me in a conversation that was jumping out at me as a whole. Did she mean “You’re so talented you would be able to write any kind of book you want”? She’d only read one manuscript that still needed a lot of work, so that didn’t seem likely. Or was it “You don’t have to stay in middle grade if you don’t want to, and I’d be able to represent you in whatever direction you wanted to go”? I hoped her meaning came from a little of each.
She and I have done a lot of work in the past few years, and we’ve had a lot of conversations about writing and publishing in general. Early this year we brainstormed up what hopefully could be a good idea for a middle grade series, for which I’ve drafted two manuscripts in just the past several months. Just as that idea is gaining traction, she’s got me thinking hard about trying something outside of middle grade. That's right: In just the past few weeks, for the first time ever, I'm seriously thinking about trying to write something in mainstream adult fiction.
The problem is I haven’t written anything with an adult perspective in decades, and I have honest questions about whether or not I can do it, at least to any degree of quality. Maybe I’ve settled into children’s literature for so long that I’m solidly entrenched in that lane now. Maybe I’ll try something adult that won’t ring true. For me to even think about trying this feels very much like the apprehension I had some twenty odd years ago, making the leap from writing short stories to trying to write an entire novel.
Maybe that’s a good sign, though. Scaring myself by wandering into unknown territory could be an opportunity for growth. Having viable projects for middle grade and working on something for adult fiction could be like throwing more than one message in a bottle into the ocean at once, and waiting to see which might be discovered first.
All of this speculation and overthinking is probably beside the point anyway, since there’s so little I can control about what happens at this stage in whatever kind of writing career I might have. I guess in the end it all has to come back to the writing. That’s really the only part I can control, and it’s the part of the process that’s always been the most fun.
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