You might think from the title of this post that I’m joking, but I assure you I’m not. I’ve cracked it. I’ve figured out precisely what steps need to be followed to make practically anyone into a millionaire. It’ll take work, and a small capital investment up front, but I feel I can almost guarantee success.
If you pay attention to the media at all, you’ve probably recently seen a news story or article about fidget spinners. Maybe it was about how they’re the new craze with all the kids these days. Maybe it was something about how their slightly hypnotic nature makes them a great source of stimulation to help some students with specific learning challenges focus more effectively in school.
In my world, they’re nothing but the newest Pog.
Back in the summer of 1993, my first summer vacation as a teacher, I took a trip to Hawaii for about a week and a half to visit an old high school friend of mine who was stationed in the Navy. At some point during that trip, he was telling me about pogs, the collectible toys that had started out as milk carton caps or something like that. There was some game that involved them, and kids all over the Hawaiian islands were playing it and collecting them like crazy. I didn’t get it. They were basically cardboard circles, I’d argue. Why are people spending money on sets of these, and carrying cases for them, and trading them to get ones with special designs?
Just wait, he said. It’s only a matter of time.
He was right. Half an ocean wasn’t enough to keep them from spreading to the mainland, and less than two years later far too many of my third graders counted their Pog collections as not only their most prized possessions, but an indicator of their place in the social order of elementary school.
Ever since the days of Pogs, I’ve seen one trend after another come and go. Some disappear forever, while some just drop off in craze popularity and become a niche interest. Beanie Babies. Gel pens. Goosebumps books. A Rubik’s cube resurgence. Silly Bandz. Kendamas. Pokemon Cards. Each of these things and probably half a dozen others I don't remember has in turn reached a level of popularity that eclipsed every other toy or fad or hobby of its time. They all had their moments of news story or newspaper article focus. Many were hated by teachers, and eventually banned from schools due to their monumental distraction potential.
We’re in 2017 now. Fidget Spinners have taken their place in the overblown collection fad rotation, and have, at least in the case of my school, reached the inevitable point of saturation that leads to a school-wide ban.
So here’s what I’m thinking. If someone was willing to invest a reasonably minimum amount of capital and stick around for the long haul, it really would not be difficult to take advantage of the hive mentality guiding so many kids to their current favorite toys. If you’re up for it, here’s how to make this happen:
*You’d need a storefront somewhere, and probably in a mall space with a lot of traffic. Families wouldn’t travel halfway across the city to buy one very specific toy, but if they were already going to a place with nine other places they’d like to shop? Boom. Then you give the place a catchy title, something like “Childhood Obsessions” but maybe with a connotation a little less dark than that. You could still operate online sales through the store, but a physical space will prove to be vital.
*Stock your store with all the goofy things kids like to collect, even if they’re a few cycles out of style. When the ankle-biters comes into the store to buy the cool new whatever they so desperately want, they’ll drag the parents with them, and you’ll be ready with your display of gel pens or retired Beanie Babies ready to grab Mom and Stepdad by the nostalgia for more sales. Of course the biggest part of your profits will be whatever the cool toy of the day is, but you need to stay in business between cycles, so having that archive stock is just as important.
*Promote your store by word of mouth. Get your name out there on Instagram and Snapchat, because those are the social networks kids care about. Arrange to set up kiosks at their weekend soccer tournaments or dance competitions.
*Most importantly, while you are inserting yourself into the child-populated world, pay attention to what they’re talking about and playing with and posting online. Look for the growing trends. When you see a rising popularity in Glow-In-The-Dark Unicorn Ghost Putty, POUNCE. Buy as much as you can, and fill as many of your store shelves as you’re able. Get the normal kind of Ghost Putty, get the kind with the glitter mixed in, get a few tubs of the kind that changes color the longer kids play with it, get the collector sets that come with three different colors and a named unicorn figurine with a multi-colored mane that matches the colors of Ghost Putty that came in the pack. Cover all your bases so you're prepared to accommodate the needs of the Ghost Putty starter as well as the hardcore collector.
*Ride that trend into the ground. By now your store will be so popular that all of the junior television news reporters who get stuck with producing the inevitable Unicorn Ghost Putty story will see your store show up first in their Google search of local businesses that sell it. This will build the perception that your store is the marquee outlet in the entire metropolitan area for purchasing quality Unicorn Ghost Putty — not that generic crap you always see by the cash registers at gas stations and convenience stores. That news story will draw you more business. All you have to do is keep selling that stuff right up to the week immediately after the wave eventually crashes.
*Count up the cash you collected as a result of the latest craze, then sit back and wait for the next one to spin up.
Nothing to it!
I’m posting this early in the morning because something could happen here on the blog today. In a post a couple days ago, I mentioned there were two blog landmarks being reached this month. It seems one is about to happen.
Sometime today ‘Summer Vacation’ will likely cross the 20,000 hit mark.
Twenty-thousand. Seems like an awfully big number.
Last year I thought it was a big deal when it reached 15,000 in May. The year before, as I discovered when I investigated, the May posts pushed the total up to 10,000. In the teaching game, we call that a pattern. Five thousand seems like a good number of views for a year, but since I have some self-competitive drive that leaves me with a vague unwillingness to be satisfied with most accomplishments, it makes me wonder if I could push that up to to the 6,000-7,000 range in the coming year. That's a topic for another day, though.
If you read this today, May 3, and whatever browser window you’re using has the capability to see the hit counter I have displayed on the page, I’d encourage you to look for it. Just like I did last year, I’ll offer up some kind of prize or reward to whoever the person is who can say with reasonable certainty they were the one to bring in the 20,000th hit, or at least be reasonably close. To have 20,000 hits on a blog that I only started for the writing practice feels like benchmark I should let myself acknowledge, even if in only some small way. That prize could be a topic request (I still have a few blank days on my May post-planning calendar) or some other kind of real-world thing we could figure out, something like an actual low-key celebration (I feel this landmark really only merits low-key at best). Maybe you can get a character named after you in the new manuscript! The possibilities are wide open.
If you’re the person to reach that number, whether it happens today or later in the week, post a comment on the link to let me know, or throw some suggestions my way about what I, or we, could do to commemorate this.
Ready…go!
Okay, for the record: I HAVE NOT DECIDED WHETHER OR NOT I AM GOING TO GET A DOG THIS YEAR. We’re talking about a 50/50 chance right now, which, admittedly, is as high as it's ever been. But that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. There are a lot of things to consider before making this kind of a decision, and I’ve thought about all of them. And probably a few more.
*What would I name it? Naming a dog would be no small thing for me. I spend way too much time trying to find the perfect names for characters, and this would be a living thing I’d have around for a relatively long time. I’d want it to have the right name. Easy enough if it’s a puppy (and there’s just no way that will happen), but what if I found a dog I wanted and it didn’t have the right name? How much training would it take to reprogram its name recognition ability?
*Where would I get it? Certainly not at a pet store, if that’s even a place to get a dog anymore. Would I search through ads in the newspaper, like how I found Spencer nearly twenty years ago? Would I search through some rescue organizations? Probably, but which ones? And how do I know that a rescue would decide I was worthy of adopting one of their dogs, with my house twenty yards away from a fairly busy road and me having to leave said dog home alone for eight hours of most days of the year?
*How would it feel about being home alone while I’m at school? I’d want to know it wasn’t going crazy waiting for me to come home. Sure, it would have toys, a bed, water, and all the comforts that really would (sadly) give it a better life than a lot of people get to have. But I know I’d be concerned and distracted thinking about it during the day if I wasn’t sure it was comfortable and happy. How long would he have to be crated all day long? Could I dog-proof the office and let him stay in there unattended? Would he be lonely if it was just him? How sad would that be if I was his entire universe?
*What accessories would I need to buy? Any of Spencer’s stuff that I kept would remain his, so I’d need new things. A new crate, leash, dishes, collar, toys, bed…what else? What am I forgetting?
*Where would I take him to see the vet? I didn’t have any problems with Spencer’s vet, really, other than knowing there were others that were closer. What stuff would I have to take care of regarding tick prevention or parasites or any other dog diseases?
*Would it have allergies? Would I be allergic? Maybe at first — I’m usually somewhat allergic around new dogs until my body adjusts, and there are meds to take, but what about the dog? Would he sneeze constantly, or lick itchy spots on his legs until they were raw and bleeding because there’s some unknown quality about the dust in my house that he couldn’t stand?
*Would it get along with the other dogs in the family? It would have a lot of dog cousins, and not all are famously social. I don’t know if Shamus and Butch would be able to stay at my house anymore, for more than a few days at a time, or Mac and Willow for that matter. I don’t know how 3 dogs would work, or if it would even be allowed in the association.
*Microchipped? Well, yeah. Of course.
*How big would he be as an adult? Using Spencer as a standard of comparison, how large of a dog would I be comfortable having here?
*Would he be a barker? Could we go for walks without turning the whole neighborhood inside out?
*Where would he go to get groomed? Way out to the groomer my parents use, the same one who took care of Spencer? Because that ends up being a full afternoon of an experience.
*Where do you get those collars that have their name and phone number on them?
*What’s the best kind of leash to buy?
*Do I have to give in to the pressure of those commercials that show insufferable people talking about how their dog food only has three or four wholistic ingredients so the owners can feel like they’re better than everyone else? Will food and treats from the grocery store be good enough? Would I even want to buy the same kinds of treats I always gave Spencer, or would I let those be his and start over with something new?
*How much say would I have in a breed if I adopted a rescue? I like Shamus and Willow, but we can’t have three cockapoos in the family. I could handle another Westie, but I don’t think they’re easy to find. And would a Westie remind me too much of Spencer? What about a pug? I like them, but I think they shed a ton so I’d probably be allergic to that, and don’t they have horrible breathing problems?
*I have to buy a new vacuum this week — should I get one that will handle tons of dog hair?
*Would it be better to get the carpet shampooed at the beginning of summer before a dog would arrive, or wait until just before school?
*Who would take care of him if I was ever traveling out of town? I really don’t like the idea of boarding in a kennel.
All of this is really just scratching the surface. It’s just that there are so many things to consider.
