We're closing in on October 5th here, which many of the people who might sporadically read the blog should recognize as the date my sister Erin finally lost her battle with cancer. Seven years ago, which isn't an anniversary number that carries any added gravity on its own, but just seems like such a long time for us to have been without her now.
Yesterday I went to see the movie "50/50" with Nephew #1. It felt more than serendipitous for that movie to be released within a week of the date she died, so I really wanted to go this weekend, but I didn't want to alone. Ideally I would have gone with my sister but it was her weekend to work and I was too anxious to see it to wait for another time. Luckily Nephew #1 got off his McDonald's shift in time to make a matinee (and when did Andover matinee prices go up to $7.00, by the way?), and he really would have been the next best choice for me as far as who I'd see it with; after all, I'm his godfather and she was his godmother. He was ten years old when it was all happening and a pretty bright ten at that, which meant he was all too aware of what was going on at the time. After seeing the movie -- which is excellent, by the way, if you can stand more than a few jokes about medicinal marijuana -- I wanted to ask him how much he remembered about that time. But he's a senior now and had to read "Beowulf" over the weekend, so he had places to be. Yeesh. Can I just say how glad I am I'm not the student anymore?
I really expected this year was going to be acutely painful for me, with the recent death of my dog still compounding all of my emotion related to this. But so far that hasn't really been the case, and honestly I'm kind of disappointed by that. A part of me wants the hurt. Feeling that pain again brings me back to that experience with real clarity. That specific October pain is now a part of my relationship with her, and if time is separating me from that and the pain is beginning to fade, it makes me a little concerned to think it will be something else I might have to face giving up eventually. And you know, damn it, I've already had quite a bit taken from me here as it is.
I was working this out yesterday over e-mail with a friend of mine, who pointed out that maybe, just maybe, Erin would probably be looking down about now and wishing I would just try being happy instead of looking for ways to trigger the pain again just for the sake of reliving it. Which brings us to this year's quotation. Last year I posted a short excerpt from the memoir manuscript I wrote in the aftermath of the whole experience, and decided this year I would again. To reflect the idea that maybe (!) I'm better off looking for happy instead of hurt, I'm presenting a passage that shows my cousin trying to make that same point with me several years ago, right in the middle of everything while it was happening.
**********
I was dreading summer vacation that year since I was fully expecting Erin to die before the fall, but at the same time I couldn’t wait to get out of school. As the year ended I was caught in a pattern of bizarre dreams, many of which were all too fresh in my memory after waking. A lot of these dreams had a recurring theme -- the people in my life were pitying me behind my back, but few ever stepped forth to do or say anything about it. On rare occasions someone would, doing exactly what I needed even though I hadn’t known myself that I needed it. It felt so comforting to know someone cared, even if it was only in a dream.
But too often this wasn’t happening in the real world, and this misplaced feeling of abandonment carried over into my daily life. As the last day of school drew closer I became increasingly withdrawn, ignoring several of my friends, not wanting to give them the chance to do it to me first. I convinced myself most of the people at school weren’t going to be there for me and weren’t worth the time or effort it would take for me to hate them over it. I bitterly thought I was doing them a favor by cutting them off, which would make it easier for them to pretend my problems and I didn’t exist, saving them the trouble of making promises of support they never intended to keep.
The last day of school was a harsh reminder of the previous year when Erin’s cancer had returned, so I just wanted to pack my classroom and get the holy hell out of there. I spent most of the day plugged into my iPod, a perfect way to completely ignore people. If someone tried to talk to me, all I had to do was give them a blank stare and say “What?” which was usually met with a laugh and a dismissive wave. I couldn’t avoid everyone though, and a few people got past my defenses. They wouldn’t simply wish me a good summer, but included some generic attempt at wisdom, like “Enjoy the time you have with your sister,” or “I hope your family has a lot of good times together.” Which I usually took as “Thank God I’m not you.”
Was it fair for me to categorically write people off this way? Not at all. There were definitely cases where it applied, but it was far from being as universal as I made myself believe. But that’s where I was. Anger feels better than despondency. It’s a dark way to look at things, but it’s true.
From: Kelly
Date: June 5, 2004
I don't see anything so weird about feeling less close with people who really can’t have any idea what you're going through, no matter how nice they are and how much they want to help. I'm sure it's hard to get nothing but pity from people who probably would rather be anywhere than standing there thinking about what to say. That doesn't mean they don't care about you, it's just uncomfortable for people to go from daily banter to serious issues. So maybe you're catching weird vibes from others and that’s what is making you avoid them. It might not be you, or at least not all you. Anyway, God knows you have every right to be having a difficult time dealing emotionally with everything and to go back and forth between something so serious as Erin's cancer and daily conversation. So don't beat yourself up. I just hope you aren't keeping yourself from enjoying everyday things. I'm sure Erin would want you to continue to have normal daily pleasures such as moronic and unimportant fun conversation with your friends.
**********
Okay, so you see what I mean about pain? Just pray you never experience anything like my family had to go through. It's not pretty.
But now maybe this week I'm just going to acknowledge that this awful thing happened once, and that it more or less dismantled what my life was at the time. But instead of dwelling on it, I'm just going to keep my head up and notice that most of life and the world surrounding me now really isn't all that bad.
After all, life happens the way it does, and sometimes it sucks. But we keep on living it anyway, because sometimes it doesn't.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
The Ideal Woman
So I’m out of the building today for some staff development. During one of the breaks I got out my phone to show a friend of mine a new favorite app, Larry the Talking Bird. It’s quite possibly the stupidest thing ever created, but I can’t stop using it. Anyway, I ran through a quick Larry demonstration and put the phone away. Then one of the women at my table, someone I work with, said, “Tom, we really need to find you a woman.”
In other news: Water is wet, the sky is blue, and we’re all going to die someday.
After privately crowning my colleague as the day’s Queen of the Obvious, I assured her I would certainly not get in the way of that mission, should she choose to accept it. She came to life a little upon hearing this, and began speculating about what sorts of qualities might be on the list of what I’m looking for. Now, I don’t know how serious she was about any of this, but I appreciated the thought all the same. It’s nice whenever someone gets that seed of an idea in their head and I’m able to even momentarily ignore the truth that God has designated me to spend my life as a quietly bitter, unappreciated relationship leftover. But just in case she was serious, and turns out to be a Summer Vacation reader (which I’m pretty certain she isn’t) I thought I should get my list out there and on the record.
I’ll preface this by pointing out how I’ve noticed my priorities undergoing a seismic shift as I’ve entered my early forties. If you wind up this age and you’re still single, like me, you have to give serious thought to what kind of person you’d like to spend the rest of your life with, since, let’s face it, I’m running low on quality years here. So the list I have now has changed dramatically from what it would have been in my twenties, or even my thirties, and I’ve had to narrow it down to the things that really matter the most. All right, enough of my yakkin’. Here we go. My ideal woman:
- someone I could carry on an intelligent conversation with
- lives a life based on responsible, adult decision-making
- would make family a priority
- is reasonably well read and literate
- has an understanding and general concern about the events currently shaping our society
- is about my age with similar life experience, unless she’s smoking hot and in that case I could overlook the age difference pretty easily
- manages her money responsibly
- does not consider US magazine to be journalism
- would compliment the life I’ve made for myself
- doesn’t have morning breath that would smell like a small animal had burned to death in her mouth the night before
- willing to always let me choose what’s on TV
- could already be a mother; I realistically have to accept that possibility. But if she has kids she can’t have more than two, they should be quiet, well-behaved and smart enough to do their own homework without my help, because that’s the last thing I want to deal with in the evening
- is open to having pets someday, if those pets are dogs and nothing else
- and I name the dog (or dogs)
- has a good sense of humor, and gets mine
- understands she’s going to owe me big time if we have to see a movie I’m not interested in
- is reasonably healthy; I’m not going into a body part analysis or anything -- that would be inexcusably crass -- but it would help if she looks like someone I might quickly check out at the Y
- can understand the importance of my personal values, even if she does not necessarily share all of them
- hair should be between four and seven inches long
- at least knows who John Petrucci is; this one is kind of a deal breaker
- drives a car that is (a) paid for and (b) no more than five years old
- doesn’t wash her hands in the soda fountain dispenser at Subway
- is good enough at Words With Friends to give me some competition, but not so good that I don’t win most of the time
- knows which is the working end of a vacuum
- doesn’t ask me what I’m thinking about, unless I really want her to
- is able to fluently speak the language of any European country she wants to visit so I’ll know what people are saying and I won’t feel like a complete idiot while I’m there
- does NOT try to finish the Sudoku puzzle just because I walk away and take a break from it
- likes to hold hands
- understands that our summers together are going to be a whole lot more about me playing XBox than us socializing with her friends from work or college
- plays either saxophone or guitar so my family can finally start a band
- takes time to enjoy sunsets
- agrees to spend Thanksgiving with my family; the other holidays are up for grabs
- doesn’t want to paint the bedroom every other weekend
- pays for her own car insurance
- has confidence
- doesn’t base her political ideology on what cable news pundits try to feed her
- can bench press at least 120 pounds
- can cheer for any sports teams she likes without having to get drunk and paint her face
- doesn’t expect me to dance with her during the fast songs at wedding receptions
- understands how important my career is to me and places the same value on her own, unless she has a really stupid job
- won’t expect me to spend a lot of time with her family, unless I like them; then maybe
- has hobbies and interests that allow her to be well-rounded and happy
- flosses
- will do the driving any time we go into the city
- gets that my iTunes library is non-negotiable
- has just that magical shade of light tan that keeps her skin from being revoltingly pale but doesn’t overdo it to where she looks like a tanning bed victim in a horror movie
- treats everyone she meets with kindness and compassion
- smiles, even when she doesn’t feel like it
- can appreciate me for me.
That should cover it. Now I just have to hope that nobody who reads this takes it seriously. Really. Don't hate me. All a joke. Except for maybe three or four items, but I’ll let you figure out which they are.
(Hint: I’m not kidding about that XBox thing.)
In other news: Water is wet, the sky is blue, and we’re all going to die someday.
After privately crowning my colleague as the day’s Queen of the Obvious, I assured her I would certainly not get in the way of that mission, should she choose to accept it. She came to life a little upon hearing this, and began speculating about what sorts of qualities might be on the list of what I’m looking for. Now, I don’t know how serious she was about any of this, but I appreciated the thought all the same. It’s nice whenever someone gets that seed of an idea in their head and I’m able to even momentarily ignore the truth that God has designated me to spend my life as a quietly bitter, unappreciated relationship leftover. But just in case she was serious, and turns out to be a Summer Vacation reader (which I’m pretty certain she isn’t) I thought I should get my list out there and on the record.
I’ll preface this by pointing out how I’ve noticed my priorities undergoing a seismic shift as I’ve entered my early forties. If you wind up this age and you’re still single, like me, you have to give serious thought to what kind of person you’d like to spend the rest of your life with, since, let’s face it, I’m running low on quality years here. So the list I have now has changed dramatically from what it would have been in my twenties, or even my thirties, and I’ve had to narrow it down to the things that really matter the most. All right, enough of my yakkin’. Here we go. My ideal woman:
- someone I could carry on an intelligent conversation with
- lives a life based on responsible, adult decision-making
- would make family a priority
- is reasonably well read and literate
- has an understanding and general concern about the events currently shaping our society
- is about my age with similar life experience, unless she’s smoking hot and in that case I could overlook the age difference pretty easily
- manages her money responsibly
- does not consider US magazine to be journalism
- would compliment the life I’ve made for myself
- doesn’t have morning breath that would smell like a small animal had burned to death in her mouth the night before
- willing to always let me choose what’s on TV
- could already be a mother; I realistically have to accept that possibility. But if she has kids she can’t have more than two, they should be quiet, well-behaved and smart enough to do their own homework without my help, because that’s the last thing I want to deal with in the evening
- is open to having pets someday, if those pets are dogs and nothing else
- and I name the dog (or dogs)
- has a good sense of humor, and gets mine
- understands she’s going to owe me big time if we have to see a movie I’m not interested in
- is reasonably healthy; I’m not going into a body part analysis or anything -- that would be inexcusably crass -- but it would help if she looks like someone I might quickly check out at the Y
- can understand the importance of my personal values, even if she does not necessarily share all of them
- hair should be between four and seven inches long
- at least knows who John Petrucci is; this one is kind of a deal breaker
- drives a car that is (a) paid for and (b) no more than five years old
- doesn’t wash her hands in the soda fountain dispenser at Subway
- is good enough at Words With Friends to give me some competition, but not so good that I don’t win most of the time
- knows which is the working end of a vacuum
- doesn’t ask me what I’m thinking about, unless I really want her to
- is able to fluently speak the language of any European country she wants to visit so I’ll know what people are saying and I won’t feel like a complete idiot while I’m there
- does NOT try to finish the Sudoku puzzle just because I walk away and take a break from it
- likes to hold hands
- understands that our summers together are going to be a whole lot more about me playing XBox than us socializing with her friends from work or college
- plays either saxophone or guitar so my family can finally start a band
- takes time to enjoy sunsets
- agrees to spend Thanksgiving with my family; the other holidays are up for grabs
- doesn’t want to paint the bedroom every other weekend
- pays for her own car insurance
- has confidence
- doesn’t base her political ideology on what cable news pundits try to feed her
- can bench press at least 120 pounds
- can cheer for any sports teams she likes without having to get drunk and paint her face
- doesn’t expect me to dance with her during the fast songs at wedding receptions
- understands how important my career is to me and places the same value on her own, unless she has a really stupid job
- won’t expect me to spend a lot of time with her family, unless I like them; then maybe
- has hobbies and interests that allow her to be well-rounded and happy
- flosses
- will do the driving any time we go into the city
- gets that my iTunes library is non-negotiable
- has just that magical shade of light tan that keeps her skin from being revoltingly pale but doesn’t overdo it to where she looks like a tanning bed victim in a horror movie
- treats everyone she meets with kindness and compassion
- smiles, even when she doesn’t feel like it
- can appreciate me for me.
That should cover it. Now I just have to hope that nobody who reads this takes it seriously. Really. Don't hate me. All a joke. Except for maybe three or four items, but I’ll let you figure out which they are.
(Hint: I’m not kidding about that XBox thing.)
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Autumnal Imprinting
Hello again. I was thinking about giving this post some really sensational title as kind of an experiment, just to see how much the newest reinvention of Facebook will affect the traffic to this site. But, eh. Maybe another time.
It seems my posting is becoming less frequent now that we're knee-deep in the school year, but I suppose that's to be expected. The weather has been cool this week, cool to the point where I've actually considered switching my thermostat over to 'heat' for the first time in not enough months. But so far I've resisted, much in the same way that I continue wearing shorts right up until the day it becomes completely ridiculous for me to do so instead of just mildly ridiculous like it is now. But hey, 70s on the way next week. If we saw temps like that in March, the beaches would be populated by college kids looking to get head starts on their spring break tans.
But it isn't March. And as of Friday, we're officially in autumn. The days have slowly started becoming darker and cooler as the world almost imperceptibly begins slipping into another long period of dormancy, ushering in what has always been my favorite season. And even though some pretty dark times have changed the way I see Autumn now, it probably still is my favorite season. The world here starts huddling together, reintroducing a level of fellowship between the start of the school year and the more generic communal bond of football season beginning at so many different levels. We feel the cold on the horizon, and make the most of however few beautiful days are left, and even appreciate them that much more because we know what's to follow. Autumn almost feels like a closing down and a renewal in the same breath. Maybe that's the reason why I have so many albums that I associate with it.
I think I covered this ground way back when, writing about music that I associate so closely with specific events of the summer. The same is true with autumn, and maybe even more so than summer. It's usually comes from my discovering a new album and overplaying it so much that my brain programs a connection to it. That isn't always the case though; I feel I have to point out that my four favorite albums of all time were autumn releases or discoveries for me, but they became such critical strands of my music DNA that they superseded any seasonal attachment. I don't know why it works out that way -- maybe that will be a round of self-analysis I'll attempt another time. But for now, here are some of the albums that have the stronger ties, and how they bind me to the season.
**"Scarecrow" by John Mellencamp. A high school standard for me. Listening to the rootsy rock music he was doing back then while I drove through the rustic landscape between where my family lived and the town where we did everything built a connection impossible to avoid. This one actually has a counterpart: "Nervous Night" by the Hooters. I bought these two albums on the same day, on cassette, at the Mariner Mall in Superior, Wisconsin. Some similarities but not a lot, and yet they're forever linked for me.
**"Brothers in Arms" by Dire Straits, particularly side 2, the one that didn't have any hits. When saw the "Two Cathedrals" episode of "The West Wing" for the first time and heard them using the title song to the album in the background, I flashed back to varsity soccer games, played in the dark, steam rising from our faces, most of us halfway wishing the season would just end already since there was no chance we were seeing any post-season play.
**"Bat Out of Hell II" by Meat Loaf. The album that led to Meat's short-lived comeback and Celebrity Apprentice appearance. Epic, operatic, and anything but subtle. I nearly wore this one out.
**"The Downward Spiral" by Nine Inch Nails. I had only heard the song "Closer" on the radio a couple times but read so much press about the album I had to check it out. It was unlike anything I'd ever heard before, particularly the apocalyptic combination of "A Warm Place/Eraser" opening Side 2. I remember listening to those songs after seeing some awful sci-fi movie on a Saturday afternoon as I drove home. That music, along with the golden light outside and the typically seasonal cloudy sky made the whole world seem beautifully menacing.
**"Secret World Live" by Peter Gabriel. One of my favorite live albums, and a good example of the live album reversal syndrome for me -- this one had several songs on it I hadn't heard before, so the live tracks became my definitive versions and the original studio tracks always seemed a little off to me when I eventually heard them. The side 2 sequence of "Secret World / Don't Give Up / In Your Eyes" might be one of the most epic live sets ever recorded by anyone.
Wow. You know what I just realized? Every example I listed here has something surprising in common -- these are all albums that I originally owned on cassette. I wonder if that has anything to do with the imprinting. I suppose cassettes lend themselves more to playing the whole album, or at least one side of the album in its recorded continuity instead of picking out favorite songs to shuffle through over and over. Hmm. Maybe that will be a post for another day....
It seems my posting is becoming less frequent now that we're knee-deep in the school year, but I suppose that's to be expected. The weather has been cool this week, cool to the point where I've actually considered switching my thermostat over to 'heat' for the first time in not enough months. But so far I've resisted, much in the same way that I continue wearing shorts right up until the day it becomes completely ridiculous for me to do so instead of just mildly ridiculous like it is now. But hey, 70s on the way next week. If we saw temps like that in March, the beaches would be populated by college kids looking to get head starts on their spring break tans.
But it isn't March. And as of Friday, we're officially in autumn. The days have slowly started becoming darker and cooler as the world almost imperceptibly begins slipping into another long period of dormancy, ushering in what has always been my favorite season. And even though some pretty dark times have changed the way I see Autumn now, it probably still is my favorite season. The world here starts huddling together, reintroducing a level of fellowship between the start of the school year and the more generic communal bond of football season beginning at so many different levels. We feel the cold on the horizon, and make the most of however few beautiful days are left, and even appreciate them that much more because we know what's to follow. Autumn almost feels like a closing down and a renewal in the same breath. Maybe that's the reason why I have so many albums that I associate with it.
I think I covered this ground way back when, writing about music that I associate so closely with specific events of the summer. The same is true with autumn, and maybe even more so than summer. It's usually comes from my discovering a new album and overplaying it so much that my brain programs a connection to it. That isn't always the case though; I feel I have to point out that my four favorite albums of all time were autumn releases or discoveries for me, but they became such critical strands of my music DNA that they superseded any seasonal attachment. I don't know why it works out that way -- maybe that will be a round of self-analysis I'll attempt another time. But for now, here are some of the albums that have the stronger ties, and how they bind me to the season.
**"Scarecrow" by John Mellencamp. A high school standard for me. Listening to the rootsy rock music he was doing back then while I drove through the rustic landscape between where my family lived and the town where we did everything built a connection impossible to avoid. This one actually has a counterpart: "Nervous Night" by the Hooters. I bought these two albums on the same day, on cassette, at the Mariner Mall in Superior, Wisconsin. Some similarities but not a lot, and yet they're forever linked for me.
**"Brothers in Arms" by Dire Straits, particularly side 2, the one that didn't have any hits. When saw the "Two Cathedrals" episode of "The West Wing" for the first time and heard them using the title song to the album in the background, I flashed back to varsity soccer games, played in the dark, steam rising from our faces, most of us halfway wishing the season would just end already since there was no chance we were seeing any post-season play.
**"Bat Out of Hell II" by Meat Loaf. The album that led to Meat's short-lived comeback and Celebrity Apprentice appearance. Epic, operatic, and anything but subtle. I nearly wore this one out.
**"The Downward Spiral" by Nine Inch Nails. I had only heard the song "Closer" on the radio a couple times but read so much press about the album I had to check it out. It was unlike anything I'd ever heard before, particularly the apocalyptic combination of "A Warm Place/Eraser" opening Side 2. I remember listening to those songs after seeing some awful sci-fi movie on a Saturday afternoon as I drove home. That music, along with the golden light outside and the typically seasonal cloudy sky made the whole world seem beautifully menacing.
**"Secret World Live" by Peter Gabriel. One of my favorite live albums, and a good example of the live album reversal syndrome for me -- this one had several songs on it I hadn't heard before, so the live tracks became my definitive versions and the original studio tracks always seemed a little off to me when I eventually heard them. The side 2 sequence of "Secret World / Don't Give Up / In Your Eyes" might be one of the most epic live sets ever recorded by anyone.
Wow. You know what I just realized? Every example I listed here has something surprising in common -- these are all albums that I originally owned on cassette. I wonder if that has anything to do with the imprinting. I suppose cassettes lend themselves more to playing the whole album, or at least one side of the album in its recorded continuity instead of picking out favorite songs to shuffle through over and over. Hmm. Maybe that will be a post for another day....
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