There's been some debate at school lately on the number of days left in the academic year. The way I look at it, the school day counts as done when I'm able to come and go from the building as I please, so the day isn't over until the dismissal bell rings. When it rang tonight, our countdown to summer vacation crossed into one-digit territory with nine days remaining. Admittedly the case could be made for ten days since teachers still have to report one more day after the students are finished, but most people count the last student day as the official last day. If that gets me down to nine days left, I'm going with it.
Because really, at this point, I'm pretty much done. Mentally, that is. I'm not necessarily burned out and I still have enough curriculum left to keep the class busy (and a lot of it is engaging stuff that they really enjoy), but I've reached the point where I'm mostly going through the motions now. I'm really ready for the year to be done so I can move on to something else, whatever that might be.
Things are just feeling used up now. The little name plates on all of the lockers outside every classroom that were so cute and perfectly aligned back in September are hanging on for dear life everywhere you look. The hallways have so much stray clothing on the floors after school that they look like a Lost and Found pile gone viral. If you walk far enough, you'll probably find a chair just sitting by wall for no apparent reason, and it doesn't even surprise you even if you know it shouldn't be there. Art projects that represent such careful work by so many students have practically fused into the walls. The bright, clean, shiny, motivating atmosphere that permeates our school for so much of the academic year is now communicating more of a "We're all in this together, so let's just agree to get through the last few days" vibe. It's safe to say that nearly everyone senses and feels it.
But as ready as I am to be done, I know myself enough to realize it wouldn't go well for me to just pack up and walk away when that blessed last day arrives. I know all too well how badly I'm going to need some sense of closure before I can tag the school year with its terminal punctuation mark. To a degree, I'm like this every day. Before I can get back to my room and focus on what I need to take care of before I leave or what I want to have done before the following morning, I'll get some aimless wandering in, sometimes hanging out with people out front after the buses have all left, sometimes getting caught up in a pick-up conversation on the way back to my room, sometimes stopping in the classroom of one of my friends just to spend a little time talking and decompressing, finding a way to put a mental separation between the end of the day with the kids and the life waiting beyond.
So if I do this at the end of most days, you can imagine how badly I need that sense of closure before I drive off for the last time and begin my summer break. I'll find ways to incorporate closure activities into my final days of lessons, as much to make sure the kids get their chance to emotionally tie off the year as I do myself. I'll start choosing music to keep on my iPhone that has somehow imprinted on me when it comes to the end of the school year. I'll put in a little extra push in getting my work finished ahead of time, so on that final staff day, the actual last day when the kids are gone, I'll have time to talk to people a little and hopefully get in that sense of the year being done, with nothing left over afterward to concern me and only the open months of the summer ahead. I don't know, maybe it's a writer thing -- maybe I just need to feel that whatever story arcs had come to define my year have been brought to satisfying resolutions, as much as they can, even if I have to look for ways to manufacture that.
Now, don't get me wrong: I'm not at all saying that I'm going to feel a big hole in my psyche once the school year is over and spend that first weekend crying into a pillow. No way, no how, no dice, no chance. But I know how important it is for me to feel closure when something, anything ends. I don't know why I am this way, but I've been through this routine enough to know I'll need more of a closing than just standing on the sidewalk with the whole staff and waving goodbye to the departing buses (although that little ritual has happened enough times now that it helps). I've got PLENTY to do this summer as the Other Job gets to take over the full-time role, but I just want to make sure I feel it and know I'm done. There have been too many years when I've driven off for the final time with a car load of whatever personal stuff I'm bringing home and a slightly discombobulated feeling that won't go away for a day or two. I'm hoping that having scheduled this post so close to the end will be one more step in making sure the loose ends are dealt with.
Am I the only person who sees it this way?
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