May 23: Q & A

What is Freddie’s favorite treat?
Probably Blue Buffalo bones.

Is cereal actually a type of soup?
No.

Name something that is invisible that you wish people could see.
It’s not actually invisible, but it’s small enough to be thought of such: I’d sure like to see where the coronavirus particles really are.

Other than Paul, what are the most awesome names in the universe?
Eduardo and Martha.

In twenty years, what will people be nostalgic for?
The days before the global population had been decimated.

What would be the worst thing for the government to make illegal?
Anything that would prevent 45 from being re-elected.

Why has there never been a character named Paul in one of your novels?
I tend not to use the names of people I know, because it makes it hard to visualize fully-developed characters if I do.

Contrast and compare Don Shelby with Frank Vascellaro and/or Mark Rosen with Mike Max and Paul Douglas and Chris Shaffer.
Don was a respected journalist who respected the citizenry of the Twin Cities and was good at his job; Frank is an oak tree that attended Ron Burgundy’s School of Teleprompter Reading While Not Actually Having a Personality of Any Kind and Only Has a Job Because of His Wife Because He’s Awful. Mark Rosen openly acknowledged that sports were only entertainment, but worth covering because people are interested in them. Mike Max is a one-dimensional tool who feeds sound bites to his interview subjects and dresses like a Dick Tracy villain. Paul Douglas is a scientist. Chris Shaffer belongs on a morning zoo radio team and should have his pay docked for every musical pun he awkwardly forces into his forecasts.

When are your books coming out?
No idea. Not up to me. 

What would make the best movie ever?
I honestly don’t even know how to answer this. 

If you weren’t a teacher and a writer, what would be your most likely alternative profession?
A sociologist. Human behavior and interaction fascinates me. 

Name and elaborate on the top three things to help pull you out of a down mood.
My down moods come on suddenly and hit hard. They usually have to do with something triggering my assessment of my life, which I typically generalize as less than a raging success. A moment of Happy Freddie will pull me out, because he gives me tangible evidence that I’m someone’s first. Reading a book that I’m invested in can work too, because it pulls me into thinking about something else. Getting a text or a message I’m not expecting from someone I’d like to hear from works too, since it makes me feel validated to know someone was at least thinking enough about me to want to reach out, if even to just ask a question.

What are your top three Herschel Walker quotes and why?
“Chuck Norris is a punk and would fit inside my helmet.”
“My proudest accomplishments are all the rings I won in my years playing for the Oklahoma GoBots.”
“I’ll never be as good at anything as John Petrucci is at playing guitar.”

What is the funniest prank you have played on your sister(s)?
Probably hiding the car on the far side of the gas station. I don’t think I’ve ever been one to do a lot of pranking.

What was it like having to be all the male characters when we played Little House with neighbors growing up?
I guess I was okay with it. It was the 1970s and all of the male characters on Little House were part of the patriarchy, so, being somewhere between 3 and 7, I suppose I felt a little bit like I was secretly in charge of whatever we were doing.

In one sentence, how would you sum up the internet?
The internet can be a great tool to find the information you need, and to see examples of how toxic people really are when they aren’t wearing one of the masks that regulate their real-life behavior. 

How many evil chickens would it take to kill an elephant?
Impossible to answer without knowing how many chickens there are, how intelligent they are, and how organized they are.

Who do you know that reminds you of a TV or movie character?
I can only think of one person, and I will refrain from saying who they, or the character, are. 

What is the most obtuse question Paul has ever asked you?
I don’t think of Paul’s more obtuse questions as obtuse, but more as welcomed thought experiments. And there are too many to count.

Generally speaking, are Republicans more selfish than Democrats or Independents?
 I don’t think any of those groups would see themselves as selfish. But, if you were to consider the things they value and stand for, and run a quick moral inventory about who really has the best interests of the most people at heart, you’d probably have your answer.

Who is your favorite Muppet and why? Do you have a favorite Muppet movie and why?
The muh-nuh-muh-nuh guy. Or animal. Both because they represent the out-there entertainment potential of The Muppets. I don’t have a favorite movie, since I haven’t watched a Muppet movie since probably 1978. 

Favorite food?
Sadly there are too many to narrow down. Depends on my mood. But mostly breakfast food.

Top three goals for the next six months to a year?
Be healthier. Finish another book. Stay alive.

Do you believe narwhals are the unicorns of the sea? Why or why not?
No. Because unicorns are the narwhals of the land.

What is your favorite facial hair configuration of Chris’s over the years?
Whatever makes him the happiest.

Why do you hate the Beatles so much?
I feel I’ve explained this many times, but for the people in the cheap seats: I don’t hate the Beatles. I just don’t believe their music is so great that they deserve the unwavering adulation they receive. Now, the Eagles? That’s a conversation we could have.

If you were independently wealthy, what would you do differently in your life?
I’d want a nice house — not a mansion, but just a really nice, comfortable open house with great views through storm-proof windows — and a trustworthy cleaning service to take care of it for me. I don’t know if it would affect my self-esteem at all to have more money, but maybe it would provide opportunities that would help develop that. I’d dress better. Not an interesting answer, but luckily I have a decent enough job and simple enough needs that I’ve never wondered much about what being independently wealthy would be like.

Extreme Optimists Guide to Summer Blockbusters?
Good movies get released On Demand. 

What are your three favorite things to do in Wall Drug?
1) Buy souvenirs that say “Wall Drug” on them. 2) Drink some of the free ice water, if they still have that. 3) Sit down and eat a buffalo burger. I had one there once, and it was tasty.

Which model of Purple mattress did you buy? And do you still like your mattress?
I think whichever is the most firm. Yes, I do. 

Are there two holes in a straw or only one?
One.

Is the S or the C in the word “scent” silent?
“SC” creates a consonant blend, so neither.

Does the week start on Sunday or Monday?
Monday. 

Is a hot dog a sandwich?
No.