I saw a stupid clickbait article tonight called something like “16 Things Guys Need to Stop Doing Right Now.” Since my self-esteem isn’t fragile enough already, I decided to give it a look and find out how I’ve been offending the rest of society without even realizing it, and in how many different ways I’ve been doing this. It’s all in good fun, right? Wheeee! Here are the items on the list, and how I measured up, or not.
1 - HUMBLEBRAGGING ABOUT WORKOUTS.
First of all, I think everyone needs to stop using the word “humblebragging” immediately. Secondly, hah. My workouts these days aren’t much more than long walks, depending on how you define long. I’m safe on this one.
2 - TAKING PICTURES WITH THE BEARD LOOK.
I wasn’t even aware The Beard Look was a thing. From what the article says, it’s a facial expression some dudes use in selfies because they think it enhances the awesome of their beard. I am not big on selfies so I feel I get a pass on this one, plus my beard is usually kind of a progressively graying mess that I only keep because I recently shaved it off and discovered that, after having it for ten years, my bare chin makes me look and feel uncomfortably prepubescent. Since the only “looks” I give during pictures are either (a) making a face to cover how badly I expect my normal expression to photograph, (b) smiling sarcastically, which often ends up looking genuine since even my facial sarcasm is finely tuned, or (c) a dead-eyed moment of discomfort frozen in time since I can’t use one of my other go-to poses in that situation. Never do I give my beard a second thought when getting a picture taken. Two for two.
3 - POSTING ON SOCIAL MEDIA ABOUT EXTREMELY MINOR HOME REPAIRS
I don’t I post much about home repairs because I usually am not the person making them. I might show pictures of something that I paid someone else to do because I have no faith in my ability to do anything related to home improvements correctly, and I'm just so happy to have a stressful problem solved. If I have to do something as minor as change smoke alarm batteries, I feel like several bullets were dodged in the process if the roof didn’t fall in.
4 - WEARING MUSCLE SHIRTS IN PUBLIC
Honestly, I thought they only made these for little boys now. I’m sure I haven’t owned or worn anything like this since perhaps junior high.
5 - REFUSING TO LET ANYONE ELSE TOUCH YOUR GRILL
The only grill I own gets plugged into the kitchen counter outlet and has George Foreman’s signature printed on it. If anyone ever wanted to use it, I sure wouldn’t stand in their way.
6 - FLASHING CASH
Seriously? And bait some hoodlum into stealing my wallet? No thank you.
7 - CATCALLING
This is almost funny. I am WAY to tentative about approaching women I’m legitimately interested in, so I can’t imagine just yelling something out at a random woman crossing my path. What’s the end goal for something like this? I don’t get it. Plus I live my life at least trying not to be a giant a-hole.
8 - BRAGGING ABOUT COMPLETING MINOR PARENTAL DUTIES
Exemption. The only thing related to parenting you’d ever hear me brag about is not being one.
9 - WEARING ATHLETIC SHOES TO WORK
….okay, fine. Guilty. But I have to walk a lot. And through a lot of nasty stuff on the floor. To say nothing of having to supervise recess more days than not. And my feet are almost 50 years old and don’t feel like being jammed into something uncomfortable and stylish. Plus at this point if I tried to wear anything other than athletic shoes at school, several people from a wide range of age groups would make fun of me for the attempt.
10 - ASKING WOMEN IF THEY’RE “UPSET”
I see dozens of women at work each day. I never have to ask if they’re upset because we’re all teachers, and upset is kind of our default state.
11 - WEARING FEDORAS
Not a once. I mean, can you imagine?
12 - PERFORMING IRONIC ACOUSTIC COVERS OF RAP SONGS
I don’t know any rap song well enough to invest the time it would take to do this. And what kind of hipster doofus uses anything to do with the music someone else loves to create an ironic moment only they and their other hipster doofus friends will enjoy? Come on, everyone. Let’s just think positive and put the music snobbery aside.
13 - DRINKING PROTEIN POWDER
I remember being on a kick of going through a lot of those Carnation Instant Breakfast drinks one spring many years ago. Does that count? Otherwise, I’d so much rather get my protein from far more delicious options.
14 - POST PHOTOS WITH CRYPTIC, PSEUDO-INSPIRATIONAL HASHTAGS
I’ll admit that sometimes my photo captions might be a little cryptic, but that’s only because I’d rather try to evoke a feeling and share that than say something like “Great time at the beach with the fam!” I don’t do pseudo-inspirational, or even purely inspirational, hashtags, though.
*15 - ONE-UPPING
I don’t think I do this, but I often worry that I do. I don’t think I’m much of a braggart; in fact, if anything I tend to go the other direction since my sense of humor is often self-deprecating. But you know how when you’re trying to participate in a conversation and you find a connection to whatever the topic is, and you bring that up? I’m not very comfortable with that. I imagine doing that too often would make people think I’m always trying to steer the conversation to be about me. Which is hardly ever the case.
*16 - ONE-UPPING, THAN WALKING IT BACK.
I do this exact thing SO MUCH LESS than other guys….
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