So I’m out of the building today for some staff development. During one of the breaks I got out my phone to show a friend of mine a new favorite app, Larry the Talking Bird. It’s quite possibly the stupidest thing ever created, but I can’t stop using it. Anyway, I ran through a quick Larry demonstration and put the phone away. Then one of the women at my table, someone I work with, said, “Tom, we really need to find you a woman.”
In other news: Water is wet, the sky is blue, and we’re all going to die someday.
After privately crowning my colleague as the day’s Queen of the Obvious, I assured her I would certainly not get in the way of that mission, should she choose to accept it. She came to life a little upon hearing this, and began speculating about what sorts of qualities might be on the list of what I’m looking for. Now, I don’t know how serious she was about any of this, but I appreciated the thought all the same. It’s nice whenever someone gets that seed of an idea in their head and I’m able to even momentarily ignore the truth that God has designated me to spend my life as a quietly bitter, unappreciated relationship leftover. But just in case she was serious, and turns out to be a Summer Vacation reader (which I’m pretty certain she isn’t) I thought I should get my list out there and on the record.
I’ll preface this by pointing out how I’ve noticed my priorities undergoing a seismic shift as I’ve entered my early forties. If you wind up this age and you’re still single, like me, you have to give serious thought to what kind of person you’d like to spend the rest of your life with, since, let’s face it, I’m running low on quality years here. So the list I have now has changed dramatically from what it would have been in my twenties, or even my thirties, and I’ve had to narrow it down to the things that really matter the most. All right, enough of my yakkin’. Here we go. My ideal woman:
- someone I could carry on an intelligent conversation with
- lives a life based on responsible, adult decision-making
- would make family a priority
- is reasonably well read and literate
- has an understanding and general concern about the events currently shaping our society
- is about my age with similar life experience, unless she’s smoking hot and in that case I could overlook the age difference pretty easily
- manages her money responsibly
- does not consider US magazine to be journalism
- would compliment the life I’ve made for myself
- doesn’t have morning breath that would smell like a small animal had burned to death in her mouth the night before
- willing to always let me choose what’s on TV
- could already be a mother; I realistically have to accept that possibility. But if she has kids she can’t have more than two, they should be quiet, well-behaved and smart enough to do their own homework without my help, because that’s the last thing I want to deal with in the evening
- is open to having pets someday, if those pets are dogs and nothing else
- and I name the dog (or dogs)
- has a good sense of humor, and gets mine
- understands she’s going to owe me big time if we have to see a movie I’m not interested in
- is reasonably healthy; I’m not going into a body part analysis or anything -- that would be inexcusably crass -- but it would help if she looks like someone I might quickly check out at the Y
- can understand the importance of my personal values, even if she does not necessarily share all of them
- hair should be between four and seven inches long
- at least knows who John Petrucci is; this one is kind of a deal breaker
- drives a car that is (a) paid for and (b) no more than five years old
- doesn’t wash her hands in the soda fountain dispenser at Subway
- is good enough at Words With Friends to give me some competition, but not so good that I don’t win most of the time
- knows which is the working end of a vacuum
- doesn’t ask me what I’m thinking about, unless I really want her to
- is able to fluently speak the language of any European country she wants to visit so I’ll know what people are saying and I won’t feel like a complete idiot while I’m there
- does NOT try to finish the Sudoku puzzle just because I walk away and take a break from it
- likes to hold hands
- understands that our summers together are going to be a whole lot more about me playing XBox than us socializing with her friends from work or college
- plays either saxophone or guitar so my family can finally start a band
- takes time to enjoy sunsets
- agrees to spend Thanksgiving with my family; the other holidays are up for grabs
- doesn’t want to paint the bedroom every other weekend
- pays for her own car insurance
- has confidence
- doesn’t base her political ideology on what cable news pundits try to feed her
- can bench press at least 120 pounds
- can cheer for any sports teams she likes without having to get drunk and paint her face
- doesn’t expect me to dance with her during the fast songs at wedding receptions
- understands how important my career is to me and places the same value on her own, unless she has a really stupid job
- won’t expect me to spend a lot of time with her family, unless I like them; then maybe
- has hobbies and interests that allow her to be well-rounded and happy
- flosses
- will do the driving any time we go into the city
- gets that my iTunes library is non-negotiable
- has just that magical shade of light tan that keeps her skin from being revoltingly pale but doesn’t overdo it to where she looks like a tanning bed victim in a horror movie
- treats everyone she meets with kindness and compassion
- smiles, even when she doesn’t feel like it
- can appreciate me for me.
That should cover it. Now I just have to hope that nobody who reads this takes it seriously. Really. Don't hate me. All a joke. Except for maybe three or four items, but I’ll let you figure out which they are.
(Hint: I’m not kidding about that XBox thing.)
