Pointless Observations

I can't be the only person who walks around with an internal monologue. The unceasing narrative observations, the snarky DVD commentary track of my day. Since 99 out of 100 visits I make to the grocery store I do alone, this seems to happen frequently while I'm shopping. Since it's been a few days since I've posted last, I decided to keep track of a few things that crossed my mind while I made my way through the aisles of my local grocer this afternoon. Maybe you'll find some of them amusing, maybe they'll remind you of the kinds of things you think about, or maybe reading this will be the most pointless thing you do all weekend. Let's find out....

**Seriously? Do they not have at least one pear without the imprint of a thumbnail carved into its side?
**No ma'am, that's fine. Stop right there by that empty cart. Block the whole aisle. Be sure you make the right choice about which Snack Pack you want. I've got nothing but time here.
**Now they have potato chips that are "slow-cooked rib" flavored? What exactly do they season these with to make them taste like not just ribs, but slow-cooked ribs? That's some food science going on there.
**Do I know that weird kid staring at me? Sorry, dude. It's summer. The mental database is in the "off" position.
**So Budweiser makes a wing sauce. I don't know why I find this surprising. If a beer company made an oatmeal someone would buy it and serve it to their friends during pre-season football.
**The Black-Eyed Peas have now fallen to the point where they've made the eternal loop of the grocery store music reel. A well-earned plummet into obscurity. See you guys on a VH1 millennial nostalgia countdown in a few years.
**I wouldn't mind buying some sweet corn, if this stuff didn't look like the raccoons came in here and had their way with it last night.
**JAZZ apples? That's a new one. Don't we already have enough varieties of apples to keep everyone happy?
**They always have that carton sitting there with the sign screaming "FREE APPLES FOR THE KIDS," and yet I've never seen a kid in here walking around eating an apple. Now, walking around with an open bag of chips the family hasn't paid for yet... different story.
**Okay, the produce section is very disappointing today. I'll grab some raspberries so I have a token fruit in my cart if anyone I know sees me in here.
**Are you kidding? "Jawlipop?" They sure named it right, because that's the body part that the doctor will have to examine after any kid tries to eat one.
**Those are the last two guys I would ever expect to see debating over brownie mixes.
**They have bacon-flavored Spam? Now I know where all the low-sodium foods get rid of the stuff they don't use. My hands feel puffy just walking by.
**So I guess it takes the average preschooler four whining attempts at choosing a cereal before they give up.
**WHAT?! They have a new 5 gum? I'm totally getting that. (By the way, it's called Swerve, and it's pretty good stuff.)
**The guy ahead of me at the register is only buying bacon and cheese dip. He might be a genius.
**I don't think I want to know why the floor at the end of the register is sticky....