Horrendous

I'm caught up in the middle of a prolonged e-mail dialogue right now. About ten or so assorted cousins have started compiling a definitive list of.... hold on, I have to check the subject line to get this right: The 40 Most Incredibly Horrendous Songs Ever.

As it turns out, this is actually more difficult than you would think. It started when one of us got trapped in his car with the undeniable lyrical banality that is Loverboy's "Working for the Weekend." Not everyone agreed it was bad enough to be on that list, but one person did, strongly enough to say "Anybody who knows the name of any member of Loverboy should be attacked by a grizzly bear and then by a polar bear." So to define things better, we started coming up with parameters of what songs could be included on the list and why, agreeing on whether or not there should be veto powers and what would be involved... in short, a whole bunch of taking the idea behind this WAY too seriously. As one cousin's husband -- who, I have to say, is really golden when it comes to e-mail one-liners -- commented, "If you sing this email thread to any tune.... I nominate it."

But it got me thinking: How do you decide that a song is truly horrendous? One suggestion was that awful lyrics would be enough reason for the label, but that was quickly shot down. After all, the Grammys give an award for Song of the Year, not Lyrics of the Year. The lyrics are important, but the way they interact and compliment the melody defines whether or not a song works. Perfect example: Back in high school, Bruce Springsteen's song "Dancing in the Dark" bothered my sister a little. "If you listen to what he's saying, it's really a depressing song," she pointed out once, when it came on the radio while she was driving and I was rocking out in the passenger seat. "Why does he sound so upbeat when he's singing that?"

The best songs are the ones where the music and the lyrics just fit together so perfectly that you can't imagine them any other way. I feel if you are truly a music lover, you can't categorically dismiss any particular artist or genre as being without merit. Haven't always felt this way -- there was a time, back in high school, when I treated anyone who liked country music as someone with a contagious rash. But in my defense that was kind of my job as a suburban kid in the 80s. This was when the only country music that anyone knew was "Elvira" by the Oak Ridge Boys, and the band Alabama, and the only kids at my high school who listened to Alabama were all the kids who worked at McDonald's, so I think that was kind of a peer pressure thing for them more than anything else. But now, decades (!) later, I can't think of any genre or artist that is completely a waste of time. There are some I don't like myself -- still a lot of country, as it turns out -- but that doesn't mean I can't acknowledge any music having worth, to someone. Lady Antebellum? Nah. Not so much. Not a country fan, haven't really been exposed to them. But if "I Need You Now" comes on the radio, I won't reflexively start scanning for other stations. Do I have any Miley or Bieber on my iPod? Nope. But do I understand why many of the little girls in my class like them? Absolutely. Do I think that an overwhelming majority of the music played on The Current is pandering toward wannabe music snobs who are straining to hold on to the same hipster cred they assigned themselves in college? Umm... perhaps. But at the same time, I can think of at least five albums off the top of my head I've bought in the past two years that I wouldn't have even heard of if I didn't have The Current programmed onto my own car radio. So there you go.

And I think all of that diversity is awesome. I think one of the most important things anyone can have in their life is music that they really, truly love. I can't picture life without that. But it's that diversity that leads to the Horrendous label, because something I enjoy might be (and in many cases, is) something that most other people would just shake their heads in confusion about, more often than not because its from an artist that most people have never heard of before.

But come on. Do you really think anyone out there is going to say that "The Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats changed their life? Or that Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime" is anything but so awful it actually leaves a smudge on all other holiday music? There are always a few songs that get past the quality filters. But to pick the 40 strongest examples of this is really turning out to be something of a task.

So I'll throw this out there to any of my imaginary readers: Any nominations?