I love watching the Olympics. Summer or winter, doesn't matter. It's the only time I will actually go out of my way to watch sports. To clarify, my problem with sports has little to do with the athletes or the activities themselves. I can admire the intelligence, artistry, and physical control the athletes put into the their respective disciplines, to say nothing of the dedication that had to go into their achieving the level of mastery they've reached. Sports fans, though? I think most professional sports largely exist to give people shared discussion points for meaningless small talk, so they can interact in a way that sidesteps ever having to engage in thoughtful conversation.
But the Olympics are different. They're global and international. They're more about sport and nationalism and individual achievement. So many of the athletes participating have little reasonable chance to ever medal, but the opportunity to just be there is a reward itself, and enough of a reward to be the realization of a lifelong dream. When it comes to the Olympics, I will totally drink up the Kool-Aid.
I didn't see the opening ceremony last night because of a rare night out. I did record it though, and watched it this morning (except for the 45 total minutes of commercial breaks I skipped). Here's my take:
*Bob Costas is overdoing it with the flowery language from the first sentence out of his mouth. I'll give him credit, though -- Costas is really good at taking the facts he's researched and making them sound like stuff he just knows.
*I can't be the only person who saw the name of the stadium and at first misread it as Macarena.
*Oh boy, here we go. Matt Lauer, Meredith Viera, and Hoda Kotb seem to be in charge of the Cliff's Notes and Wikipedia entries for tonight. This commentary is going to be all about how entertaining they find each other. I hope they have the occasional presence of mind to just shut up and let the audience enjoy the stagecraft and spectacle of the production without all the Mattsplaining.
*Michael Phelps is interviewed by some NBC talking head before the ceremony begins: "How does it feel to be chosen to carry the flag?" she asks. I have to think it's taking him great effort not to say something like, "Um, were you listening four minutes ago when your network called me the most decorated Olympian ever? Who ELSE would they choose?"
*We get what seems like a short film at first, but it's only introducing the NBC personalities who will be "reporting" throughout the games. This whole thing has the same self-serving ugliness as any of the weekly recurring WCCO personality features, for those of you living in the Cities. I tell ya, every time Chris Shaffer works song title puns into his forecast, a small part of my will to live breaks off, withers, and fades to nothing. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU, REPORTERS.
*The ceremony finally begins thirty-five minutes into coverage with another short film. The bird's eye perspective they're using makes all of these sports look like iPad games.
*I don't remember: Which city first came up with the idea of using a projection screen on the floor during the opening ceremony? Because everyone else since has totally ripped them off.
*This guy playing the national anthem is totally lip syncing, but there are few things in music as beautiful as latin guitar, so I'll allow it.
*A parade of dancers said to be actual descendants of indigenous people just ran right past the camera wearing costumes that exposed most of each of their butts. Every nine-year-old in America just launched into a breathless three-minute laughing fit.
*Now their focusing on immigration. I get that this is a performance, and at least they're acknowledging this as a part of their history, but I think it's a little questionable to dismiss slavery as costumed dance.
*The people jumping around on the projection screen showing the buildings of a growing metropolis as they rise is a pretty cool effect.
*Giselle. Man, does she have a lot of hair. What's she hiding up there? And because she's a famous model, all she has to do is walk across the stadium in a dress made of recycled space blankets?
*They're making a point of saying how the richest elements of Brazilian culture have come from the poorest neighborhoods, and showing this with hip-hop dance and bright colors straight out of the 90s. It's like a Fresh Prince rerun. The floor is now rotating through some kaleidoscopic polygonal structure that looks like an advanced level of Qbert. Either Hoda or Meredith says she wants to get up and dance. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU! Eminent Sociologist Matt Lauer explains how the music has an edge to it now, representing the conflict in Brazilian culture. Ugh....
*Start the party! Woo-hoo! Instead of focusing on the hundreds of costumed leftovers from children's television taking over the floor, they keep cutting back to Giselle rocking out, and they cut to her at least eight times. The camera is never away from Giselle for more than eleven seconds each time. I'm not even kidding -- when I noticed how often they were showing all of that hair flying around, I rewound this section and timed it.
*I applaud the inclusion of a section about climate change, but this information is an elementary school level presentation, which is going to make it all too easy for the climate deniers to dismiss. To their credit though, they enlisted Judi Dench, the British voice-over gravitas equivalent to Morgan Freeman, to help with the narration.
*The parade of nations begins. In most cases, the flag bearers are the only ones who get any backstory anecdote to go with the trivial facts mentioned about their countries.
*Two hours in and the word Zika is finally mentioned.
*Matt is happy golf is back in the Olympics. Hoda's parents are from Egypt. "Is that my cousin?" Ha ha ha IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.
*Where else, other than the Olympics or summer camp, are you going to hear the phrase "badminton rivalry?"
*Someone representing the Marshall Islands hails from New Hope, Minnesota. She has two Olympic goals: perform at a new personal best and meet Usain Bolt. This is what I love about the Olympics -- people competing to do the best they can regardless of accomplishment, and beyond that looking to take in the experience.
*Oman's flag bearer looks like he could be Freddie Mercury's cousin.
*As I watch this, I think back to watching the hot dog eating contest on Independence day, and now I'm second guessing if ESPN really should have called competitive eaters athletes.
*The Serbian flag bearer, whatever her name was, is officially my first Olympic crush.
*The Tonga flag bearer. Okay. I saw a lot of tweets about this guy during the intermission at the play last night, and I don't know what his sport is, but he is ripped. I can only guess that baby oil must be one of Tonga's primary exports. Or that guy has a sponsorship with Big Baby Oil. Or he's going to have one in a couple of weeks.
*The refugee team enters to a standing ovation. I can only imagine what being on an Olympic team at all must mean to those people.
*With the parade over, some official come out to blah blah blah like the Price-Waterhouse people at the Academy awards. This guy is parking a giant black hole in the middle of the ceremony, as the tepid applause he's receiving indicates.
*The Olympic flag is brought in. I look at the athletes chosen for that honor and think of all they've accomplished, the work they had to do to get there, and the lives they'd led before their Olympics and since. So much human story.
*The samba party Matt Lauer has been physically unable to shut up about finally starts. People dressed in an entire Crayola box of dance costumes comes out, plus there's one little kid on a platform who absolutely thinks everyone in the stadium is staring at him the whole time. The Olympic cauldron is finally lit, then elevated into position. As it settles, something looking like a 3D steampunk sculpture opens up to highlight it. It is super cool.
Finally, because I know you're wondering, here are the commercial break announcment stats for the night:
Still to come: 4 times
Up next: Once
Stick around: Once
Right after this: 8 stinkin' times
We have much more ahead: Once
Continues to unfold: Once
When we come back: Once
Much more to come: Once
Let the games begin.
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