A True Lazy Man

There are six more days until the end of the Lazy Man Triathalon. I must have mentioned this here at some point -- it's a summer workout program at the Y where you have to do all of the work involved in a normal triathalon (112 miles of biking, 26.2 miles of running/walking, and either 12.5 miles of rowing or 2.5 miles of swimming), but you have five weeks to get it all done. And yeah, five weeks seems like plenty of time. And yeah, it is if you really bust your rear to get done. As of today with those six days remaining, I've completed all of my walking and rowing and only have another 21.5 miles left to bike. I am confident I will finish.

But I'm not sure if I agree with the name. As a response, I have developed a separate set of criteria that could be used for a TRUE Lazy Man Triathalon.

(1) The biking would be replaced with a television marathon. I've had a few of these in my day, when I had new DVD sets I couldn't wait to watch and just burned through them one after another until I reached the point I was dreaming about the characters that night. For this marathon to be any measure of endurance though, challenge is necessary. So it can't be a show that it interesting or honestly entertaining or mentally engaging on any real level. Based on some of my closed-captioning experiences on the treadmills and bikes at the Y, I suggest that the marathoners are only given the choice between watching eight hours of either Fox News midday coverage or eight hours of "Full House." "What Not to Wear" on TLC would be an alternative.

(2) The swimming would be replaced with being up to your chin in junk food instead of water. You would have 24 hours to eat 2.5 large pizzas which had been delivered late and were already cooling off. No carbonated drinks would be allowed, because slamming down some Coke and letting go with a seismic burp could open up too much extra space in the stomach. An alternative to the pizza would be 2.5 bags of low-grade store-brand tortilla chips that taste a little stale but not stale enough to throw away just yet. There would also be either cheese dip, salsa, or guacamole to get through, and yes, you would have to use your finger to clean out the can or the jar to avoid disqualification. And no letting the dog finish it off for you.

(3) The running would be replaced, most naturally, by video games. Because you do have to make a character move around in most games, so this seems like a logical enough connection. It would have to be a mediocre and repetitive game that doesn't do a very good job of engaging the player. Buggy graphics, poor voice acting, no AI to speak of so there isn't any real challenge other than continuing to play. This stage of the triathalon would have to last a minimum of four hours, or however long it takes for the individual's body to begin permanently remolding whatever piece of furniture they've mounted for the duration. Game time would also need to be completed between the hours of 12:00 midnight and 6 A.M., because, as any true gamer knows, those are prime hours. No limit on caffeine for this stage.

There you go. You have five weeks to finish.